Gravity
by DarkeAngelle
Summary: When your world implodes on itself, you have two choices. You can sit there and watch the pieces fly into space, or you can let yourself get pulled by the gravity to a whole other world.
1. Introduction

Nothing will make you feel more alive than going to a funeral.

The feel of your soul splitting, your heart shattering, your mind shredding, and your body sinking is so painful that you could swear someone was ripping your ribs open, stealing your heart, and crushing your skull beneath the iron-toed boots of Death himself. It beats you down to rubble and burns the ruins to ash, only to sweep you under a rug that used to be a living human being. You feel the weight of that death on you, a stone in your chest, and it haunts you. Ghostly mirages purge your mind as phantom rats gnaw off your heart strings. You're left as a shell. A shell full of nothing but ash that has been pressed so hard that it turned into a black diamond.

And then you move on. Just like that. You press play and the world shoots back into speed. A coffin is dropped and covered in six feet of muddy dirt that your tired, blistered hands shoveled in on their own accord. You buried the one person that you melted your ice heart for so low in the ground that they could be at hell. Flames could be licking their casket and Lucifer could be spinning his web of lies and you wouldn't know. You moved on, after all. Your heart is solid ice now. You can't care. All of the tears in the ocean of your eyes has been dry, leaving nothing but sand that blows in the wind. But buried under that sand, miles below, is more water. More tears.

Just because it's over doesn't mean it's over.

Someone can sneak their way back in. Someone can slip in through your eye sockets, crawl through your skull, slither down your throat, and somehow end up curled around your heart so fucking tight that it hurts. They sprout a million little fibers, sewing your heart strings back and tying themselves around your fingers. Your entire being shakes and trembles, fighting against that feeling that hits you like a truck falling from an airplane. It's useless to fight it. That _thing_ has got you by the roots now. You have no choice but go along with whatever it's got planned for you. You're a puppet, someone controlling your head and wiping all memory of that lost one from your mind.

That was the situation I found myself in.

* * *

Saïx meant the world to me. Since we were in preschool and he was making sand castles with architecture to compete with ancient Rome and I was role playing a toddler-sized Godzilla, destroying his grainy fabrications in a fraction of a second out of the hour it spent him to build them. Childish creations and destructions turned into the bullied and bullying the bullies that bullied the other. The vicious bully cycle of elementary school and middle grades was replaced by being sorted into the demanding cliques of high school. I was sucked into the class morons, pyros, and druggies. Saïx went towards the Honor Roll kids. We drifted apart.

It was like my fucking world split right on the equator without me even noticing. We talked less and less and saw each other even less frequently. It wasn't until Roxas threw a punch at Zexion until I realized how very far apart Saïx and I had drifted in our separate groups. We were once the same kingdom, but an ocean had split us apart. When I saw him on graduation day with horn-rimmed glasses and an air of someone who clearly thought he was the best thing to walk those grimy halls of some Harlem school, I almost had no clue who he was. He hadn't gotten a haircut in forever and his eyes had long lost the light I used to put in them. Then I walked right up to him and struck a conversation.

It was like those four years hadn't ripped us apart at all.

We wound up going to the same college the following fall, which was crazy. We had moved out of New York, going straight to Michigan State University. He wanted to be a doctor and I was there on behalf of a full-ride scholarship due to my basketball skill. We shared a dorm and, on my nineteenth birthday, we went to a tattoo parlor. I got three; two triangles under my eyes for the shit of it and a small black sun on my hip. Saïx got a matching moon on his own hip and we were closer than ever. Nights were spent in the same bed, entangled in each other's arms, stark naked or covered in homework that never got done. I was the sun to his moon and he was the calm to my storm. We found a happy medium to my crazy life and his strict ways. We settled.

Then he died.

My heart was torn from my chest and I was left to bleed to death on the floor of our dormitory, surrounded by his memories as he was carted straight from the rubble of the car crash to the morgue. He had been so mutilated that the casket was closed at the funeral. When I gave my two cents in front of a room filled with his high school nerd friends and his somber family, I couldn't get anything else out other than "I loved him", but that was a lie. I shouldn't have said it in the past tense.

It took me a year to finally start talking correctly. It took a year for me to go back to that dorm at college, leaving under the wing of my parents. It took me a year to eat again. It took me a year to brush the cobwebs off of myself and face the world how he would have wanted me to. I got a crescent moon on my opposite hip, having the sun still on the other. I stayed locked in my dorm, not wanting to go into that cold, dark place that was the real world.

Sixteen months later, I went to my first social gathering since I buried Saïx's closed casket in some shitty Harlem cemetery.

When I came to from such a night of partying, every breath felt like I had to work for it. My head was spinning and throbbing, flashing red lights at me to get the fuck out of bed and go vomit in the nearest toilet. I didn't move though, still trying to get my eyeballs to stay in my head and to keep my lungs from inwardly collapsing. The stench of sex, drugs, and alcohol were heavy in the room, pressing down on my nostrils like a blanket. More red lights went off and a mini siren sounded with buzzing in my ears as I registered that I was naked. Even more lit up when my hazy green eyes traveled down to see a little blonde head on my chest.

The world suddenly caught up with me, slamming me in the chest with the force of a sledgehammer busting up my ribs and forcing me to drown on my own blood. I hadn't just gone to some fucking college party and woke up in a room full of male and female peers. I hadn't just gotten shitfaced and higher than a goddamn kite during a raging tornado. I had slept with someone in the sexual sense. Such a sexual sense that it made Saïx flash through my mind, scolding me and accusing me of cheating on him.

I got out of bed like I had been stabbed in the face, stumbling over the unconscious bodies that littered the floor. I kicked open a door and was fortunate enough to find myself face-to-porcelain as I dumped my putrid guts into the sterile water. I chocked and gagged, vomiting as if that was my sole purpose for existing. I hadn't thrown up so violently since I had been in high school and went on an alcohol binge. I was so busy discarding vital organs that I hadn't registered fingers holding back my sweaty red hair, a hand rubbing my back as a soft voice urged me that I was alright.

I pulled my face up from where my personal hell had been dispatched, reaching with a shaking hand to flush it down. I saw someone crouch down next to me out of the corner of my eye, fingers pushing through my hair to keep it out of my face. "Hey," the voice of the blurred figure murmured, sounding like he was on the other side of a tunnel blocked with cotton. "You okay? You really overdid it last night…"

I recognized his hair from the head that had been on my chest and groaned, turning my head and spitting up my guts again. Flush, and I looked over at him again.

"You probably don't remember anything about last night, huh?"

"I remember I fucked you senseless," I choked out, unbelieving at how difficult that was to say, "Other than that, no, I don't remember jack shit."

He forced a laugh, still running his fingers through my hair in a way that was oddly comforting. "Let's start with this: My name's Demyx and I invited you because I heard you could sing. My band was performing. Well, we wound up drinking ourselves into oblivion, but you get the point."

"Fuck me," I groaned, turning back to the toilet that had put up with me as my stomach churned.

"Your name's… Axel, right?"

"Unfortunately."

"Well, Axel, to be frank, you look like hell."

Narrowed eyes looked him over. Small gauges. Just big enough to fit a thick Sharpie pen. Blonde mohawk that was nine degrees of fucked up. Perfect blue eyes that were a little worse for wear with a forming black eye on the left and bloodshot pupils on both. Skin that looked like he had been sun burnt, but it had peeled off to give him a light tan. His slightly chapped lips were twisted into a goofy grin, his hands finally leaving my hair as he sat Indian-style next to me, just as naked as I was. Not to mention that he had a really nice-

"Funny enough, I feel just how I look."

He snorted, fingers drumming on his knees. "I can bet. You wanna get some food before everyone wakes up? This place is gonna turn into hell pretty damn fast, 'cause I know you're not the only one that drank a whole goddamn bottle of vodka."

A forced laugh came through my lips, along with a bit of vomit-tainted saliva. "Food. What's that?"

He smirked and stood up, holding a hand out to me. "C'mon, let's get some grub."

_You betrayed me. How could you?  
_


	2. Social Butterfly

There wasn't a single, defining, epiphany-inducing moment when Demyx and I became friends. It was just something that happened, our bodies gravitating together and conjoining at the hip without us even knowing. Purging my body of my own intestines seemed to bond us, in some grotesque way. Maybe we hitched so well because I was socially starving, crawling on my hands and knees just to find a single scrap that could save my life. I had socialized at the party, sure, but I didn't remember any of their names. From that carnage, all I had was Demyx to hold back my obnoxious hair as I spilled my insides into a porcelain pit.

As we got dressed and snuck out of his fraternity's house while the rest of the guests were still in drunken slumbers and the sun was struggling to peek through fluffy March clouds as gusts of icy wind shot through the open petals of flowers in the windowsills of other calmer homes, I had an odd sense that some sort of bonding had already formed between us. We bundled tight in our coats and began to walk to the only breakfast diner that existed within walking distance, a good old Waffle House, as I finally fought down the sour bile in my throat enough to speak.

"What year are you in?"

Might as well start with the easy stuff.

"Ah, I'm a sophomore," he breathed, running a hand through his hair, which was still wet from dunking his head under the icy tap in an attempt to sober himself up. "You?"

"Same," I supplied, stuffing my fists into the warm pockets of my jacket, shivering a bit. "You live back there?"

"Kinda," he muttered. "Just for this semester. Over the summer, I'm moving to a house a couple blocks down. What about you?"

"I live on campus. Nothing special, really. I'm lame as fuck."

He chuckled as we ran across the street to beat the oncoming traffic, stumbling our hung over selves into the parking lot of the Waffle House.

"That's cool though, seriously. It must be nice, staying with a roommate for the whole school year. You have a roomie, right?"

I hadn't realized I had stopped walking until he turned around and came back. I was frozen in the parking lot, feeling... nothing. Shouldn't I be upset at the memories? Of course I was. I missed Saix as if I was missing my own arm. But as I stood there, eyes fixed on the ground and a buzzing in my ears as Demyx shook my shoulder, I came to a horrifying conclusion.

Was I over him?

"Nah, I don't have a roommate" I said thickly, looking up and striding right into yellow tiled waffle heaven as if I was running away from the stunned doppelganger I had left on the asphalt.

_How could you forget me?_

"I didn't forget you."

"Pardon?"

I shook my head, a little embarrassed that I had said that aloud.

We took a seat at a table visibly covered in a thin layer of grease and syrup, the sticky booths in much of the same condition. An exhausted woman that was probably born in the cabin next door to Abraham Lincoln's handed us our menus and walked away to get some black coffee for Demyx and I to split. I didn't show much interest in the menu, playing with the syrup bottle instead. Demyx had picked up that talking about my roommate was a touchy thing, but he was quick to jump to safer ground.

"What's your major?"

Innocent enough. "I'm looking into business. I don't really know what I wanna go into. I mean, the only reason I'm here is because I got a full ride for basketball, but my parents want me to have some sort of-"

"That's where I've seen you!" he shouted so loudly that Lincoln's neighbor gave him a look of concern as he slammed his menu onto the table. "I knew I'd seen you before! You're the, uh, the..."

"Center," I provided, laughing a bit. "You've been to the games? I've never seen you. Granted, I never look at the crowd in too much detail."

"I was the mascot a few times when Sora didn't wanna do it."

I rolled my eyes, pointing a thin finger at him before I went back to trying to tear off Mrs. Butterworth's apron. "You were the mascot that was pole dancing against the bleacher railings, weren't you?"

He laughed and I found myself liking that noise he made. A little on the high side of the pitch scale, it reminded me of a kid. Not to get all philosophical and shit, I'll leave it at that.

Our generic mugs of coffee were placed between us and Demyx ordered a stack of chocolate chip waffles, where I stayed as plain as could be with regular waffles and a side of bacon. Demyx ordered a few boiled eggs for us to share and, as soon as the old coot was gone, we got back to our conversation.

"So what're you majoring in? I've never seen you in any of my classes."

"Music production," he said proudly, thumping a few fingers over his heart. "If I can't be a rockstar, I'll just do the technical shit."

I snorted, shoving the now naked bottle of syrup to the side. "Hey, at least ya got a backup plan. If this business thing doesn't work out, all I can do is pray for a signing into the NBA."

"You got some serious talent," Demyx argued, frowning at me as if I just told him I was throwing my life down the toilet with my vomit. Which, if I was to be honest, I had thought about ending it all several times when the loss had been too much.

I just shrugged off his compliments, beginning to fold up the sticky label in my fingers. I was losing the conversation. After sixteen goddamn months, my first real conversation was slipping through my fingers. I felt like I was drowning, needing some sort of topic thrown to me like a lifeline. I didn't do well in silences. Demyx probably thought I was a freak.

Old Hag to the rescue.

Our plates were set in front of us, a bowl of hard boiled eggs residing between us. I had to admit that Demyx's pile of waffles, chocolate chips, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce was a little jealousy-inducing, but I still had bacon and he didn't. I still won in the breakfast competition.

Demyx dove into his food without a backwards glance, forcing me to either watch him inhale his food or slowly eat my own. My hangover and the fact that I was still a little high from whatever I had snorted last night both made me hungry, but I couldn't eat. I got through two waffles out of my four and half a strip of greasy bacon before I had to stop. I felt like I was about to throw up again, so I excused myself from the table (not that Demyx could hear me above the sound of his own chewing) and hurried to the bathroom. I was glad the little room was barely big enough to walk in, as throwing up was quite easy and I had done so before the door even shut.

I continued retching into the dirty toilet until my eyes welled up with tears and I felt like my entire soul had been dispelled from my shell of a body. I just kept finding things to throw up, shivering violently and beginning to sob as I flushed the toilet once, twice, and a third time. The stench of vomit, sweat, and the dank bathroom only made me feel sicker, and the buzzing in my ears turned to a low voice.

_Look at you, Axel. Look what he did to you. I would never let something like this happen to you. You need to get out of this while you still can. He's no good for you_.

I only whimpered in response, finally exhausting my stomach, much to the relief of my burning throat. I felt fingers going through my hair again, lulling me to sleep. I laid there on greasy tiled floors, closing my eyes and curling back into the comfort of my mind, where Saix was waiting for me with open arms.

"I'm sorry," I murmured.

He wasn't smiling, his thin lips pressed into a line like they usually were. He kept his arms open as an invitation for me to curl up against his dark sweatshirt. He was completely stoic, which wasn't much of a surprise. His yellow eyes dully stared at me from caverns in his skull, locked onto my own pupils. He said nothing, but he didn't need to. His face said it all with every angle, every inch of pale skin, the dreary look his golden eyes held, and the way his head was oh-so-slightly tilted to the left in expectancy. He was an open book, written in a language only I could understand.

I moved my feet, dragging them despite the ball and chain that was hooked to my ankles. I stumbled and grabbed him by the shoulders, collapsing against his chest as his strong arms wrapped around me. I rested my head against his chest, feeling the thick muscle he had built up by frequent gym visits and joining the fencing team his freshman year here, having never really been on a sports team in high school. It made me a little jealous, how he could get so fit without much effort and I was apparently stuck in the body of a six-foot-four lanky teenager for the rest of my life. I felt so small in his arms, even though I had four inches of height on him. I would just duck a little, wrap my arms around his waist, and stand there just to feel him hold me.

It's a childish concept, being held for comfort. When Saïx held me, it was like I was just a toddler clinging to someone that could keep me from the monsters that were out in the world. As cliché as it was, I felt like a goddamn girl, clinging to her Prince Charming. Saïx would never say a word, but the moment would have been ruined if he did. Sometimes, all you need to be is held. The world goes away and it's just the two of you, molding your souls together as your bodies press together close enough to crack an egg between you and yet gentle enough to give relief rather than harm. It's a feeling out of this world, out of the fucking universe. There's just some things that can't compare to being held by the one you love.

"Axel?"

I hummed against his chest, closing my eyes as I straightened up and pressed kissing up his jaw. "Saïx?"

"Are you up yet, Sweetie?"

I stared at him, blinking. "What?"

"You okay, Axel?"

I blinked my eyes open and the safety of Saïx's arms immediately vanished, replaced with harsh lights and two faces hovering over me. My hand flew up to cover my eyes and I groaned, hearing Demyx laugh on my right. I sat up slowly, the world tilting on its axis so firmly that I almost fell off my little corner of it.

"Sweetie?"

I dropped my hand and looked to my left, realizing that I was in the campus nurse office. I had been expecting some old lady that could put the Waffle House Hag to shame, but my eyes widened and my eyebrows shot up as I realized she was actually young, probably a student in an internship. And, _damn_ she had a nice rack. Now if she was wearing a cute little nurse outfit instead of the vomit-inducing pink scrubs…

"You passed out at Waffle House," Demyx murmured, causing me to look over at him. "I would've taken you to your dorm, but I didn't know where it was. Sorry."

I groaned, dropping my head and massaging the bridge of my nose. I felt a little better, admittedly, but I had some sort of hollow feel in my being. It felt as if my skin had been stripped back and they carved out my insides like I was a Halloween pumpkin, sticking a candle in my skull and hoping I looked better than I had before.

"Hey, I gotta go to class," Demyx said abruptly. "I'll see you 'round, alright? You know where to find me!"

Before I could form a coherent goodbye, he was gone. I was left with the nurse and, if my dick was any ruler, I didn't want to leave. I kept scolding myself, not wanting to have another trip to the toilet just because I wanted to fuck a hot nurse. But maybe that was my problem. I just had a lot of sexual frustrations that I needed to get out. I'd feel better after I did that, right?

An hour later, I left the nurse's office with a tongue depressor that had a number scribbled on it in pink Sharpie and a cherry lollipop in my mouth.

I didn't go back to my dorm. I couldn't. I couldn't sit inside of those four walls, laying my guilty corpse on the floor while worms and rats ate me up for no one to witness, my horror and disgust at myself only making the rats so sickeningly fat that they would die along with me. I couldn't do that. I couldn't face that room right now. I headed for the gym, but changed direction when I got halfway there. Saïx was still on my mind from the dream I had while I had been unconscious and I didn't want to go anywhere that would remotely remind me of him. Sadly, that left no open option left. Not the library, the music hall, the art galleries, the labs, the lake, or the bars. Just one place.

The little bell rang in my still-sensitive ears as I entered the shop, feeling my stomach drop onto the floor. The place was full of cute couples and, honestly, it was making me a little sick. I walked right through the parlor of the little sweets shop, up a staircase behind the counter that no one even tried to stop me from, coming out on the roof. I walked to the edge and sat down firmly, hanging my legs over the edge as I just… stared.

Sometimes, all you need to do is stop the world and think.

I knew I had to get over Saïx. Sixteen months and counting. I had come out of the protective box I had hidden in- No, I burst out. I jumped out. In the past twenty-four hours, I had had sex twice. Once with a man when we were both drunk and high, and again just because the nurse was cute and wouldn't stop flirting. My whole body and soul hurt with the guilt, but I had to keep telling myself that I wasn't cheating. Saïx was dead. I wasn't. I was still alive.

That truth hurt. It stabbed me clear through and all I could do was stand there and bleed. I couldn't do anything about it other than try to smash bandages around the wound and hope I healed up immediately. Heartbreak was a waiting game and I knew it. I had to just sit here and wait for my wounds to heal. Of course, maybe I just needed to lick them better. I needed someone to help stitch up the hole that Saïx's car accident tore into me. And maybe, just maybe, that person was Demyx.

My thoughts were interrupted as my phone rang and, for a moment, I wasn't sure what to do. I hadn't gotten a call in a long time, so it took me a while before I pulled out my old phone and answered after staring at the caller ID for longer than I probably should have.

"Hey Mom," I greeted, my voice sounding more dead than what I had expected. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Hey."

"Hey, Honey, I was just wondering something. Are you going to be coming home for Spring Break?"

It took me a while to think, idly chewing on my stubby nails. I didn't know if I would stay or not. I could stay here and hang out with Demyx, or go home and play street basketball with Roxas… "Yeah."

"Alright! How are you doing? You sound tired."

"Just woke up," I mumbled, hoping she wouldn't question why.

"Long night of studying?" she teased. I could hear voices in the background. She sounded like she was at a party.

"Uh, yeah… Where're you?"

"Oh! I'm at a baby shower! Your cousin Kairi's putting it on! She wanted to know if you would be back to see the baby before she moved."

I made a noise in my throat, holding my phone at my ear with my shoulder as I fished a loose cigarette out of my pocket, along with my lighter. I lit up and began to smoke as my mother continued to rant and ramble about how cute all the little gifts were for the upcoming baby boy and how she was knitting him a pair of booties and how I would get to see the little spawn of Satan that would be coming out of my cousin's vagina in just under a month. I hated kids and, related or not, I wanted to be as far away from the little bundles of supposed joy for as long as possible.

My mom caught onto my mood and hung up with a sugar coated, "Be safe and I love you!" and I nearly threw my phone off of the roof just so she wouldn't call me again.

Since I had my phone out, I decided to put in the number of the nurse I had fucked on the table I had woken up on from my drunken unconsciousness. I programmed in little Alice's number before I dropped the tongue depressor off of the edge, watching as it fell and landed in the middle of the street.

Something tugged at my gut and told me I should jump down after it to suffer the same fate.


	3. Suicidal

I never ended up going back to my dorm. My tired legs pushed me skyward and I turned, walking away from the edge that was beckoning me with a skeletal finger to step off to the ground below. I began to wander around the downtown area, hands stuffed in the pockets of my coat as the sun rose higher and the icy wind turned to just a chilly breeze. I hadn't realized how long I had been wandering before I reached the interstate, the philosophical end of the sidewalk. I stopped with my toes just shy of the dry grass that resided after the cracked concrete sidewalk ceased to exist. I craned my neck and watched cars fly past at speeds of eighty to a hundred on the interstate beside me, my whole body eventually following the turn.

This was where he died.

This little stretch of interstate that looked completely accident-proof without a damn thing getting in the way. But on some icy night in early December, a deer and her family had the audacity to try to sprint across four lanes of high-speed traffic. Brakes had slammed and tires were sent skidding, an out of control minivan slamming into a semi carrying petroleum. The resulting crash and burn of the thing left one man dead and another severely injured, going onto a healthy life after four months of treatment and therapy.

Sixteen months later and it looked like nothing had happened here. Even the burn marks in the grass had patched up. The only thing that was still in a state of damage from the heart-shattering disaster was me. I was the only ruin left, paying tribute to such a horrible event. The grass could grow back in the spring and the street could be cleaned in an hour. A heart is something that takes much longer to patch up with bits of destroyed tissue. It takes even longer to fix a soul.

It was inevitable. One day, I was going to be as healed up as this spot. It would take a long time, I knew. All I had to believe was that, someday, I was going to be okay. It would just take time.

I stood there for a solid two hours without even realizing it, blindly watching cars shoot past without any thought or recollection of what had happened here. The drivers were blissfully unaware, stuffing their faces with fast food or singing along to the radio while the passengers in the car had a nice nap and the kids whined about the drive being too long. They had no idea that they were driving through the scene of someone's death. They dd't even notice me standing there and watching them go by, my feet bolted to the ground with invisible nails. My feet wouldn't move until my stomach gurgled with hunger tinged with a bit of nausea and, when I began to walk back towards where I came, I felt like my shoes were made of pure cement. It took so much effort to leave my post, feeling like I was leaving something behind. It was a sense that left a stinging in my gut, hissing at me that I had forgotten something. Something important.

"I haven't forgotten you," I mumbled, just barely glancing over my shoulder to look at that spot where the safety of the sidewalk ended and my sea of pain and loss continued to roll with agonizing waves.

I didn't hear his voice respond that time.

I finally stopped my mindless wanderings and returned to my dorm at no later than five in the morning, my head pounding as it begged for my legs to stop and let me sleep. I numbly unlocked my room and walked in, ignoring the snoring that came from the other two roommates that had left the conjoining door open between our rooms. I went to the bathroom first, completely on autopilot, and emptied my stomach once more before I brushed my teeth and got into bed, curling into the fetal position and trying to stop my organs from slipping out of my skin.

The bed was cold. It always was, now that Saïx and I weren't crammed into it, laying side-by-side on a twin bed and trying to make it work because we couldn't just get the top bunk down and put the two together. I had invested in a plethora of pillows since Saïx had died, needing the filler to give the illusion of another body sleeping with me. But, of course, pillows don't have heartbeats. They aren't warm and they can't hold you close when you're having trouble sleeping. They can't place kisses on your chest or run a thumb over your cheek as legs ensnare your own in an attempt to pull you closer and crush beating heart to beating heart. Pillows can't murmur words of affection or comfort, talking you gently to sleep. All they can do is take up space that had once been filled with the one person you gave a damn about.

When I woke up again, I didn't want to get out of bed. I was more than rested, but I didn't want to leave the cocoon of blankets and pillows I had wrapped myself in, not even if I was burning hot from still wearing my clothes from two days ago, along with the shoes I had been tired to kick off. I only opened my eyes to look at the green numbers on my alarm clock, glad that the dark curtains were doing a very nice job of blocking the late afternoon sunlight.

I heard my roommates talking in their room, the door still open. I closed my eyes and rolled over again, grabbing a pillow and burying my head beneath it in an attempt to block out the world around me. I made a silent vow to myself that I wasn't going to leave this bed again. I couldn't handle the social scene after only sixteen months of mourning. I needed more time. Just a couple more days though. I would be fine after a couple days. Maybe I could hang out with Demyx again. I would hang out with him next weekend.

I stayed in bed for the next month.

I acted like the shelled-out robot I had been, only leaving my dorm for class. I didn't eat unless my neighbors made me, as I had been growing dangerously thin already. I went to the games of March Madness, but the coach never let me sit on the bench. I played better than I ever had, but I was numb. I didn't feel any of the adrenaline or the excitement when we kept winning and moving on up that March Madness bracket. I called in sick to one game just because I didn't want to leave campus and there went our record. I didn't care that the whole team was pissed at me. Coach knew I had slipped back into my depression, but he still refused to let me skip another game or practice. I went through basketball and classes like I was a phantom of a being, just there to give my presence. My brain had been disconnected from my body and the suicidal thoughts began sinking back in again. What I would give just to see Saïx again...

The day before Spring Break, I found myself on the floor of my dorm in nothing but a pair of boxers with a bottle of pain pills in one hand and a liter of Mountain Dew in the other.

I had my suitcase packed to go home and it was sitting on my bed, open, but everything inside was very neatly put away. Everyone in the hall I lived in, and maybe everyone in the building, had already left on their vacations. Alice had texted me and asked if I wanted to go to Mexico with her, but my only response was to shut off my phone. I wanted to be alone.

I settled the bottle of Mountain Dew between my knees and began the battle with the lid that was screwed on with childproof accuracy on the bottle of pills, the rigid edges digging in and stinging scratches to my palm. I finally got it open with the assistance of my teeth, dumping a handful of pills into my red palm as my door opened.

"Hey! Axel, you gotta minute?"

I felt like I was stuck on slow motion as I titled my head up, staring at the man in the doorway. His goofy grin fading in an instant as soon as he put two and two together, I practically heard the gears in his brain being forced to work. He dropped his shoulder bag and ran over to me, ripping the earbuds from his head and grabbing me roughly by the wrist. I felt like a ragdoll as he twisted my arm and made the round little pills spill from my thin fingers and dance across the industrial carpet. He yanked me up to my feet and I left the Dew on the floor, but I was quick to join it. The floor rushed up to slam me in the face and I barely registered that Demyx was talking to me.

"Dude! Axel, c'mon! Stand up! Get a hold of yourself!"

I could only breathe in response, trying to get my lungs working again. I let Demyx lift me up and put me on my bed, barely registering as he left my side to clean up the pills and go next door to my other roommates to get me some food.

"Seriously, doesn't your roomie keep food in here?"

I wasn't sure when I had started crying, but I was. I was rolled over onto my concave stomach, faintly muscled arms locked tight around a pillow that I was smothering my tears in. I was gasping for air, desperate to fill my lungs, but getting the breaths interrupted by sobs that choked their way out. I felt the bed dip down, but I couldn't control my sobbing. It was like the eggshells I had been running on since Saïx 's death had finally broken. I had broken. There was nothing left for me to cling to, no life raft waiting, no vine to save me from the quicksand. I was succumbing to my depression, to the ghosts of loss and pain. I just wasn't Axel without Saïx. Without him, I was just... Nobody. Remains of someone that used to be human. Nothing but a sinking piece of flotsam. There was nothing for me to hold onto, to guide me back to shore.

But there was Demyx.

I hadn't talked to him in a month and had avoided him at any moment he tried to approach me. He had tracked down my dorm number and found me though, when I was at my lowest. I had never actually taken my suicidal dreams that far before. I had never been staring at a handful of pills, wanting to die just so I could see Saïx again. I probably didn't lock the door because somewhere inside of me, I wanted someone to walk in. I wanted someone to find me, stop me, hold me, tell me it would be okay. I wanted Saïx to walk through that door and hold me, telling me to wake up. And I would wake up, curled against his chest like some little kid to their mother. I would kiss him good morning and we would finish up any last-minute homework before leaving for class or out to breakfast.

But Saïx was gone. I had Demyx instead.

I began to calm down as Demyx began to awkwardly rub my back and I could say to thank him was a thick "I'm sorry" over and over again, as if it was some sort of chant. He kept murmuring back to me, assuring that it was okay and he wasn't mad at me for it. The thing was, I wasn't apologizing to him. I was apologizing to Saïx. I wanted to thank Demyx for stopping me, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

It was like a switch went on when I felt the weight on the bed begin to spread out and heard the thud of two custom Converse hitting the floor. His body laid down right next to me, reaching an arm around to drape on my back and play with the ends of my flat, messy, unwashed hair. He had stopped talking and, instead, he was humming a familiar tune.

That switch made the sobs stop and the tears lessen. It made my abused wall of protection slide down from its firm placement around my heart, telling me that I should do this. I needed to accept Demyx into my life, whether my brain wanted me to or not. I needed some company in the world of darkness I found myself in. I needed someone to guide me, to hold a light into the abyss and help me. I would never admit that out loud, but I knew it was true. I didn't just want Demyx's company. I _needed_ it.

After an internal war that felt like a battle with no real winner, I let go of the pillow. I turned, keeping my eyes closed, and wrapped my arms so tight around Demyx's neck that I was probably choking him. Yes, it was difficult in our position on the bed, but I didn't care. I moved closer to him and buried my face against his neck, coming down from my sobbing high. I loosened my arms after he made a noise of discomfort and allowed him to slip his arms around my chest. I just held him for a moment, focusing on his breathing. I timed mine with his and managed to completely calm myself. He didn't say anything, knowing that I needed to do this on my own.

After a while, I let him know I was okay by placing a kiss behind his ear, getting a bit of his blonde hair in my mouth. He made a small noise and began to pull himself away, but I moved my spidery legs to trap his hips down.

"Stay."

He forced a laugh, resuming his position. "Are you okay? I mean, I know that's a stupid question to ask and you were just about to fuckin' kill yourself and you're probably _not_ doing well at-"

I lightly bit at the shell cartilage of his ear, just enough pressure to get him to let out a cute little squeak and stopped his panicked rambling. "Shut up. I'm fine."

And fine I felt.

"Axel, you were just about to kill yourself," he muttered, his fingers pressing into my bare back and reminding me that I was next to nude. "I walked in to ask you about your Spring Break plans and you're holding pain meds in your hand with the expression of someone who's already dead... Shit, Ax. Don't fucking scare me like that... You've been gone for a month. What's going on?"

For a while, I didn't speak. Eventually, I found myself ripping out my heart and putting it in his chest so he could have the pain instead.

"My roommate's name was Saïx. He was my best friend since, well, ever. We turned into lovers once we came here. Sixteen months ago, he... he died. And every time I'm with someone else or I come in here and just stare at these fucking walls, I feel like I'm failing him. He wants more of me, I know. He would be ashamed. I feel like I'm cheating on him just by talking to someone and even when I'm just holding you like this. But I'm so fucking _lonely_ all the time. I don't want to let anyone in because I don't want to replace Saïx. I don't wanna lose him, but I wanna get over this feeling of being empty already. It's like someone just ripped out all my insides and let me bleed on the floor. I can feel myself dying and I really wanna be dead already. I wanna see him again. I wanna hold him, I wanna love him, I wanna hear him tell me that everything's okay. I wanna be okay. I wanna be Axel again, but I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm not allowed to be happy without him. I just- Fuck, I just want everything to be okay."

"Axel... Everything's okay. I promise."

And just like that, it was.

Demyx stayed for the rest of the day, laying with me in bed for a while before I got the willpower to finish my packing. He mentioned that he was going to Hawaii for Spring Break with his band and, personally, I couldn't help but being a little jealous. I told him I was going home to Harlem and that made him stop.

"Harlem? New York, y'mean?"

"Yeah," I muttered, picking at the granola bar he was making me eat. "Is there another one?"

He shrugged, sitting on the armchair that was squeezed between a desk and a mini fridge. "I'm just surprised."

I nodded, then went back to eating. People usually got surprised when I mentioned Harlem. Stereotypes about that place were heavy and I seemed to break all of them except the "dirt poor and good at basketball" one.

"Is that where you're gonna go over summer break?"

I groaned into sticky granola, "Yep."

"Why not stay with me?"

All I could do was keep a chocolate chip from strangling me.

"I mean, I live at a house not too far from here. It's nothing fancy, but I like it. We have a spare room, if you wanna stay. You don't have to... It's just an offer."

Slowly, I found the power to nod. "That sounds... awesome. But, shit, we barely know each other."

He gave me a look and gestured to the bathroom, where he had made me flush all the pills. "Axel, I just cuddled with you for two fucking hours after I walked in on your suicide. As far as I'm concerned, you're my best friend. I love you, man. I wanna help. If you don't wanna go home for summer, you don't have to. Shit, if you come home with me, you'll even get a summer job."

Everything was okay.

Dull and gloomy at seven in the morning was when I left for the airport jammed into a rusty Chevy pickup with my suitcase in the back and Demyx at the wheel, but my mood was a lot brighter than that. I had found a Disney mix CD in his truck, much to his shame, only to pop it in and start belting along to the lyrics. It didn't take him long to join in and, lo and behold, we were clearly having the most fun when we pulled into the airport to the tune of "Hakuna Matada" and a spring in our step. We went to our separate flights, me to graffiti hell and Demyx to sun-kissed paradise.

I never lost my smile until the plane landed in New York.


	4. Home

When you're staring right into the eyes of Death himself, beneath his hood of shadows and cobwebs, you're supposed to be scared. You're never supposed to forget how very close you were to ending your life and it's supposed to have some monumental effect on the way you live your life. You're supposed to treasure life so much more and come out a different person, as if you went through some sort of butterfly-like transformation. Suicide is almost treated like a rite of passage. Oh, you tried to blow your brains out? Well, congratulations. You're a man now. To me, staring at those pills and having them ripped away only told me one thing. It told me that I wasn't meant to die like that. Saïx would have never wanted it. But, in retrospect, Saïx didn't have much to do with the relief and guilt I felt when I was forced to flush those tablets down the toilet like I had with my own vomit. It was caused by the realization that someone actually cared about me and I had let them down. Demyx was my friend, one that I had avoided avidly for a month, and one that I had almost killed myself in front of. I had treated our relationship like it was nothing but a one-day thing, and I realized that he was going to be in my life a lot more. I wanted him to be. I didn't want to be lonely in the darkest time of my life.

I gathered up my single suitcase of luggage and started to look for my mother, knowing she would be my ride. I wasn't looking too forward to staying with my parents for the week I had for spring break, but I was a little excited at the chance to see Roxas again. He had been my best friend in high school, taking over the spot at my side that Saïx had stood in. I didn't hate him for that. Actually, I'm glad he did it. If he hadn't, I would have missed Saïx's absence in our high school years far more than I actually did. Granted, Roxas was a year younger and had just graduated from high school last year, but he was still a good friend. While he wasn't good with emotional bullshit because he was a befuddled adolescent himself, the kid knew how to make me forget what was bothering me and just have a good time. That was something that he and Demyx seemed to have in common. Or maybe I was just easily distracted, focusing on the shiny things rather than the mundane.

"What the hell happened to you?"

I turned in response to the familiar voice, finding Roxas' blue eyes narrowed and scrutinizing me as if I was a piece of shit in a fine art gallery. I only shrugged, shifting my suitcase to my left hand.

"I thought Ma was coming to pick me up," I teased, reaching forward to mess up his hair, to which he slapped my hand away, "Not some pubescent high school graduate that's making a living spitin' on burgers at McDonalds." I couldn't help but grin at the look of complete and utter confusion on his face.

"Who the fuck are you and what've you done with Axel?" he demanded, crossing his arms firmly over his chest as his head tilted to look at me properly. "You look like shit, but what's with the happy attitude?"

So I told him the truth. "I almost killed myself yesterday, I haven't eaten a real meal in a month, I fucked two people in a day a four weeks ago, and Hakuna Matada is stuck in my head."

He just stared at me. He stared in complete shock as I barked out laughter like someone who was released too early from a mental hospital. I began to walk, striding out my long legs to stretch them from how cramped the flight had been. Roxas dumbly followed me, his eyes never leaving my face, but I never looked at him. I just smiled like an idiot and hummed loudly to the tune stuck in my head.

Silence accompanied us as we left the terminal and I came face-to-face with New York City, piling in a cab with Roxas and my suitcase as we started heading for Harlem. The silence remained, making me aware of how out of touch I had been with Roxas. I had never called, never texted, never sent a postcard. It was like we were strangers.

"I haven't talked to you since last summer."

He looked out the window, but I noticed the way his cheek moved as he frowned. "You barely talked then. You were in fucking ruins."

I didn't say anything, beginning to drum my fingers on my black suitcase. I had stopped humming and my smile had finally left my face, leaving me with a blank expression.

"Y'know, you could apologize."

"Sorry for getting heartbroken over the death of the one person I fucking cared about," I snapped, angrier than I thought. I glared daggers into the back of his head, daring him to say something else on the matter. The urge to fight was suddenly roaring in my chest like a lion that had missed its dinner and, more than anything, I wanted to start a fucking fist fight in the backseat of that smelly cab.

He turned to return the glare, a hand still on his chin while his elbow rested on the edge of the window. "I know you were killed with that, Axel, but there's such a thing as having a damn soul. Just because he died doesn't give you the excuse to turn into a fucking zombie and scare the shit outta me and your parents."

My jaw tightened. "I didn't-"

"Mean to? Bullshit. If there's one thing I know about you, it's that you're stronger than that. When he ditched you in high school, you weren't upset!"

"It's different when he's never coming back!" I snapped, shouting by that point. "In high school, I knew I could just go see him at home whenever I fucking wanted! He's gone now! He's fucking dead and I can never see him again! He's _gone_, Roxas! All I wanna do is see him again!"

"Is that why you just told me with a smile on your face that you tried to commit suicide yesterday? Are you proud of that?" he muttered, his voice more in control of his anger than mine was. He almost sounded calm.

"I don't know."

"You dunno? You don't know shit, Axel." He let his words sink in before he turned to the window, directing his burning gaze at the other cars as we made our way through the clogged streets.

I opened my mouth to say something, but it only closed again. I knew that the argument was over before it had even started and pursuing it would get me nowhere. After all, Roxas had a valid point. After Saïx had died, I died as well. I curled inwards, finding myself in the fetal position as the entire world stood around me and watched. I had been a zombie, as Roxas had said. I had been a shell of a being and, if I was being honest, I still was. I couldn't be cured overnight, no matter how badly I wanted to. Spending time with Demyx had definitely helped me, but my heart still had a gaping hole in it, one that was still bleeding. While patching up that spot was what I wanted, the last thing I desired was to completely replace Saïx and forget about him. I wanted to be better, but I wanted to stay in mourning because I felt like that was the best thing to do. Hell, I was a walking contradiction. I didn't know what I wanted.

I turned to look out my own window, but I caught the glance that the cabbie gave the two of us in our post-bickering. He gave me a look of sympathy, to which I just stared out the window again at the cramped city. "Just drive," I snapped. For once in my life, I couldn't wait to get to Harlem.

The cab stopped at the end of my road, both Roxas and I getting out. I grabbed my suitcase as he began heading in the opposite direction, having paid the cabbie only with a few cents of pocket change. I paid the rest of the fare before I watched Roxas go, having the urge to actually apologize. But I didn't. Instead, I started the walk to my own house.

Walking alone through Harlem is something that a visitor wouldn't risk, but it didn't bother me at all. I still got the same old looks I used to, being a white man with flaming red hair in a predominantly black area. Roxas got the same kind of looks, but no one fucked with him. They knew he packed one hell of a punch. Me, on the other hand? I could fight enough to keep myself alive, but not enough to actually make a reputation for myself as "tough guy" like Roxas had. I was a more talented runner than a fighter. I outran half a dozen angry dogs once.

After messing with my key in the locks on the door of our little street-level apartment, I shoved the old door open and slammed it behind me. I didn't bother to announce my presence, as I could hear the loud volume of one of my mom's soap operas on. She already made Roxas go get me so she wouldn't be disturbed, so I really didn't think greeting her now was the best idea. I went straight down the hall, wrenching my bedroom door open. The smell of cigarette smoke attacked my nostrils and I couldn't help but cough, my eyes watering a bit. Apparently, my parents hadn't let my room vent out since my last visit over Christmas break. I threw my suitcase onto my bed, which was still unmade with old white sheets, and braced my hands against the window. After a fit of cussing and hissing in pain and frustration, I finally got the thing open, allowing the sound of angry drivers and police sirens to assault my ears. But at least I was getting relatively fresh air in my room. I couldn't live in nicotine forever.

Just the smell made me itch and I went straight back to my bag, snapping it open and grabbing the pack of cigarettes from the top. I grabbed my shitty Bic lighter and lit up, taking a long drag before I shuffled to the window. I took a seat on a cardboard box that was packed tight with the video games I still hadn't taken to my dorm, leaning out the window and breathing smoke into the outside world to contribute to the smog. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the window frame as I began to relax, the sound of dogs barking, sirens wailing, and horns sounding being somehow calming to me. I couldn't handle the peace that there was on campus. I needed something like this to feel in my element. I was a city boy, that was for sure.

I snapped out of my relaxed trance of blank thoughts as I felt something drop on my lap, causing me to jump a bit. A gray cat meowed happily at me through her purring, rubbing her face against my arm. I laughed softly and began to pet her as she circled up and laid down contently in my lap, meowing on and on and telling me about how much she missed me and that laser I always brought with me. Keeping my cigarette in my teeth as I pet her with one hand, I fished around in my pockets until I found the silver toy, flipping on the button and aiming it at the floor. A bad idea, considering I was wearing rather thin sweat pants. She rocketed off of my lap in an instant and I hissed in pain as I took twenty claws to the groin. I began to move the laser around the room, unable to hold back the laugh I had as she chased that damn little light with so much determination that it made me feel like I had the worst work ethic in the goddamn world.

"I thought I heard Cricket going crazy."

I turned off the laser, causing Cricket to stare around in wonder at where it had gone to. I gave a nod to my father, who was leaning in my doorway.

"Your mother's watching her show."

"I noticed." There wasn't much emotion coming from me, but I knew he was borderline furious. His eyes were locked on the smoking cancer stick in my hand and, before he could object to my smoking, I smashed it against the frame of the window and flicked it out into the alley that my window had such a wonderful outlook to. Nothing says great view like a bunch of cement.

"No smoking in the house."

"This is my room," I argued, "and I don't wanna get jumped while I'm taking a drag. It's not like it's fucking weed or somethin', Dad."

"Just as dangerous."

"Dad," I pleaded, my voice dropping an octave. "I'm a goddamn adult. Let me make my own mistakes."

"You never smoked when Saïx was around."

"Well he's not around anymore, is he?"

Cricket seemed to sense the tension that was steadily building between me and my father and took refuge under my bed, where her little blue eyes dared to watch me as I argued. It was eleven o'clock in the morning and I was already on my second argument. The happy buzz that Demyx had given me had faded.

"You need to find someone else, Axel. It's not healthy for you to be left to your own devices."

"I have Roxas," I argued, hoping he wouldn't bring up the fact that I obviously didn't have the blonde there for me since he had ditched me after the cab ride.

His gray eyebrows knitted together and I swore I saw a vein twitch on his bald head. Dad was ticking. Had I been younger, I would have been scared of getting a spanking. "Axel Samuel Knight."

"Carl Richard Knight," I countered, matching his tone perfectly.

His gray eyes narrowed. I was in dangerous territory. "Is it so much to ask for you to make the right choices?"

I knew this wasn't about my smoking anymore. "Define right choices."

He stayed out of my room, but gestured at me. "Do I really have to? You look like hell, Axel. You're thinner than a rail, the first thing you do when you come home is smoke one of your cigarettes, you look like you have a hangover, and you still look like that robot a car crash gave us."

I felt like I was arguing with Roxas again. I looked away, out the window at the cement wall of the alley as my fingers idly played over the small laser toy I held in my hand. "I don't wanna talk about this, Dad."

"If you don't talk now, you're talking at dinner tonight. Your mother wants to go out. You have more than a few hours to get ready." The door shut.

I sighed as soon as I knew I was alone, slipping off the box and leaving the laser toy on it. I army crawled over to where Cricket was hiding, nudging her out of the way as I joined her under my bed. I had to push a few porno magazines and DVDs out of the way as I did so, but I was eventually laying on my back, nearly touching my nose to the bottom of the bed as my hand began to stroke my purring cat. I eventually fell asleep there, only waking up when my phone was blasting the damn Nokia ringtone at me. I made to sit up, swearing as I hit the bed. I crawled out and looked at the caller ID, my eyes narrowing at Roxas' displayed name. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I finally decided to answer him.

"Sorry."

"There's the fucking apology I wanted."

I turned, finding that his voice was coming from two places. He hung up, placing a hand on the inside of my window before he vaulted himself inside. I just slipped my phone back into my pocket, watching him as Cricket came back in through my door, which she must have opened herself, and hopped onto the bed next to me. The rest of the house was quiet, but I didn't focus on that. Roxas was busy smirking at me.

"You were under your bed?"

I shrugged, running a hand from Cricket's nose to her tail. "It's comfy down there," I defended, my voice a bit snarky.

"Just as comfy as your closet?"

I rolled my eyes at him. He always loved to play that card, as he knew I was still hiding my bisexuality from my parents, along with the fact that the reason I was so upset over Saïx was because I fell in love with the guy. "What're doing here, Twink?"

He shrugged, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his baggy jeans with his phone. "Came to apologize for being such an ass, I guess. I shouldn't get mad at you. I mean, you've been through a lotta shit. All I've been doing is fucking around and trying to make money at McDonalds, of all damn places."

"You're not going to college?"

He sat down on the box, picking up the laser and beginning to play with Cricket as he spoke. "I ain't got the money for college. You got it easy, Ax. You got some fucking talent that earned you a full ride for four years at a state university. If I was lucky, I'd have the money for community college. I mean, c'mon. You know I'm broke as fuck. I'm practically homeless and I ain't got shit worth for talent that'll get me a free degree."

That was true. Roxas lived with eight other people in one of the shittiest homes in Harlem (which was definitely saying something) and they ate most of their food at a local shelter. If they were lucky, they could have ramen once every few weeks. Every last one of them were working, even the elderly couple, which were steadily making their way into their nineties. They made barely enough to keep rent, electricity, and keep up with medications. Roxas spent as much time as he could out of that house, crashing at mine whenever I was home. It wasn't a surprise for him to slip in through my window and to find him next to me on my bed in the morning. My mom always referred to him as my little stray puppy, but she didn't even know about half the times he had spent the night, slipping out the window again before we could even offer any breakfast. Whenever my mother did know about him staying, she would always cook up some lavish meal for him to take home and share. He rarely accepted and, when he did, he never ate any of it for himself. He was selfless to a fault, and I always joked about how that would be his downfall some day.

"Do you work today?" I asked, trying to derail the conversation from dangerous waters.

He gave a slight nod before he pulled out his phone to check the time, his other hand still moving the little red dot that Cricket was chasing so eagerly. "Yeah, I should get going…"

I didn't say anything, watching as Cricket began violently attacking the wall.

"I'll see you later," he murmured, putting down the laser. "We have a lot to catch up on, now that you're not a zombie anymore. I get off at closing, so I'll probably come by tomorrow and talk your ear off then."

I gave him a small wave goodbye and watched him leave out the window, placing the laser on the box as he jumped out. I had seen him leave like that several times, but for some reason, it seemed to bring back a wave of nostalgia to me. It reminded me of my high school years, where the only thing that mattered was keeping my head above an E and keeping my cigarettes hidden from my parents. Back then, there was no death, there was no depression. Just me and Roxas, not noticing how much the world was changing in front of us. Not noticing how old we were growing and how past relationships would come back to haunt us. It was thoughts like those that made me long for the scientific miracle of a time machine, just so I could go back and never let Saïx leave my side like he did. But this wasn't back to the future. This was the real world, and the real world is a dark place.


	5. Seventeen Months

My mother's idea of "eating out" was taking a twenty dollar bill and going two blocks down to McDonalds. I had my own money this time, saved up from some little jobs I had done here and there for professors or my other roommates. Roxas was working by the time we had gotten there and I strode right up to his register like I owned the damn place. I leaned forward, resting one arm over his register.

"When's your break?" I purred, giving a wink for good measure.

He rolled his eyes at me, pushing my arm from his screen. "Your gay is showing," he sneered.

I shrugged it off and stood aside as my parents ordered, taking way too fucking long to decide on what they even wanted. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until my stomach let out a low gurgle in need, the smell of grease-bathed food actually smelling really good for once. As soon as it was my turn, naturally, I ordered a fucking feast.

"Twenty piece nugget, three McDoubles with Mac sauce, two McChickens, two Angus deluxe snack wraps, two apple pies, two cheeseburgers, hot fudge sundae with nuts, and a large fry." Smirking, I watched as Roxas scrambled to hit all the right buttons. He looked up at me and began to ask a question, but I answered him before he could finish. "Ranch dipping sauce and a large pop."

He finally got it all down, raising an eyebrow at me. "Alright, where's the army you're feeding? That's thirty fucking dollars' worth of food, dude. I think you just broke a record."

My total was triple what my parents' was.

I paid up after bumming an extra five bucks from my dad, getting my own tray that was completely piled high in food. I followed my parents to a back booth after I got my heart attack on a tray and grabbed a handful of extra salt and ketchup packets, taking over half of the table with all my food.

My parents began to talk, asking me all about college and how I was doing and the typical parent interrogation shit. I gave them minimal answers between bites of my food, scraping the last of my sundae out of the cup just as my parents were finishing their fries. I was beginning to feel the nausea of too much shitty food twisting and turning in my stomach once I finished, but I ignored it. It was better than the nausea of the guilt I had been feeling as of late. I got three and a half refills of good ol' Coca Cola, letting the carbonation eat away at the fat I could practically feel growing on me.

"Still hungry?" my dad teased as I threw out all my trash and found myself staring at the menu, letting out a loud burp as I scanned the dollar menu.

Roxas raised an eyebrow at me, still standing at his cash register. "Dude, you're gonna have a fucking heart attack. Go home and eat some celery or some shit. Pop a dozen Tums while you're at it."

I flipped him off before I slipped out, holding the door open for my parents with my foot as I grabbed a cigarette out of my pocket, not even getting my lighter out before my dad grabbed my cigarette and tossed it into the trash. I opened my mouth to argue, but my mother gave me a look that could have killed a cockroach. I shut my mouth and grudgingly followed them as they headed back home, my hands clenched tight in the pockets of my sweatpants.

"So, Axel, how's basketball going? I saw that you lost out in March Madness because you left your team. Where were you?"

"Sleeping."

My father cocked an eyebrow at me and my mom idly pushed a bit of gray-tinted ginger hair behind her ear, looking like she didn't believe me at all. I merely shrugged at them, casting my eyes to the ground as I began kicking a pebble and pretending it was my dad's head. When my mom opened her fucking mouth to talk, I kicked the pebble so hard that it hit the back of my dad's shoe and had enough momentum to snap back at  
me and hit me in the ankle.

"Do you need to go back on your antidepressants?"

"No," I snarled in response, following them into our apartment. "I don't need antidepressants. I'm just fine. If I was still depressed, I wouldn't have eaten that fucking feast back there."

"Watch your language," my dad sighed, knowing that scolding me wouldn't stop me. He knew that, no matter how many times he scolded me or even asked politely, I would never agree with him. I was stubborn from a young age, all of which I got from my mother.

"I'm old enough to fucking swear, you fucking cunt," I muttered under my breath, going to my room.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" I slammed my bedroom door behind me and locked it before I collapsed face-down on my bed, screaming into my pillow like some pubescent teenage girl. I rolled over once I realized I was smothering myself, sitting cross-legged on my bed as I grabbed another cigarette and lit up. I pulled out my phone and found Demyx under my contacts, just staring at the number. I felt like I would be clingy, calling him so soon. I had just seen him this morning and I was already missing him. My thumb pressed on the power button and I watched as the screen turned black before I threw it to the floor. It bounced once before skittering across the thin carpet, coming to a rest a few feet away from the bed, face-up, tempting me to hit that button and turn it back on again.

This was fucking insane. I barely knew Demyx, despite having sex with him at some drunk frat party or breaking down in front of him when he walked in on my suicide. I didn't know why, but I just wanted to be by him. The thought of the fact that I was in New York and he was in Hawaii made my chest ache with the separation. It wasn't the ache I had for Saïx, not even close, but it was enough to eat away at my nerves like a little bug. Something had sunk under my skin since I looked into those ocean-blue eyes and I couldn't dig it out. It was sinking inside of me, burying itself beneath the layers of my defenseless skin. It was wrapped around my heart like a noose, just waiting to tighten and make the pain even harder on me. I knew, somewhere deep down, that this was bad. I couldn't be letting someone into my life like this, especially with the tender state that my heart and soul had found themselves in after being burned and torn by Saïx's death. I needed a needle and thread to help sew my broken self back together again. I couldn't get along in pieces. I needed someone to pick me up and help me on my way, reassembling me as we went. I wanted someone to hold at night, to keep me safe, to tell me everything would be okay. I was needy, and I knew that. I was a needy bastard, starving for attention and help. I needed help. I didn't just need someone there; I needed the emotional support. I needed help.

I wasn't about to talk to anyone about this either. How could I talk about something that I personally had no idea how it had happened? I didn't understand why or how my mind was so obsessed with that blue-eyed blonde. Somehow, a chink had appeared in my armor and Demyx had slipped his way into it.I wasn't going to tell Roxas about Demyx. I wasn't going to mention him to anyone. Maybe it was because I was still in my little antisocial bubble, unwilling to really talk to anyone, especially about the problem that Demyx was causing me. I didn't know what to do or even how the problem came about. He had broken clear through the walls I had put up-

No.

The walls were never up at all.

I had been waiting for someone, anyone, to walk into my life and make me feel whole again. As badly as I wanted that hole to remain as a reminder to the man I dedicated my life to, I didn't want to be a broken piece of machinery anymore. I wanted to be fixed, and I wanted Demyx to be the one to fix me. I wanted him around.

I looked at my phone on the ground, resisting the urge to grab it and text Demyx, or even call him just to hear his voice. I managed to resist the temptation, slipping under my covers after I stripped off my clothes and shoes and ignoring the sickness that was sinking in from all of the food I had eaten. I smashed my cigarette into the ashtray on my bedside table, taking a moment to watch the final swirls of smoke after the dying ember met its fate. After tossing and turning in bed and eventually swallowing a spoonful of Pepto and a couple Tums, I finally got to sleep around midnight. That was late for me, considering that I had been sleeping almost all the time as of late.

I didn't wake up until half past noon, when my mom began pounding on my locked door. I only groaned in response, rolling over and burying my head under my thin pillow, suffocating myself in cotton and nicotine. I curled into a ball under my sheets, having a relapse to wanting to just stay in bed, wishing the world away and hoping for my own demise. My doom came in the form of my mother finding the key to unlock my door like she would in my teenage years, stalking inside to rip up the sheets at the end of my bed to expose my feet. I curled up even tighter in response, letting out a wordless scream at her as if I was a toddler having a temper tantrum. She grabbed one of my ankles and I kicked at her, but she only grabbed that one as well. A small alarm was set off in the back of my head as soon as I registered that her fingers could wrap all the way around my bony ankles.

"Christ, Axel! Stop acting like a baby and get up! You need breakfast!"

My stomach gurgled in disgust at the mere thought of food, the grease and salt from last night still causing hell on my intestines. I gripped the top half of my mattress, refusing to give way to her tugging on my ankles to get me up. She finally gave up, letting my spidery legs hit the mattress. I curled back up in a ball again, squeezing the pillow around my head.

"Nope. Not getting up."

"Axel."

I curled tighter, locking my bare knees to my equally bare chest.

"Don't make me count, young man."

I closed my eyes, getting back to sleep. I made myself as comfortable as possible, not planning on getting up for breakfast anytime soon. After last night's binge, I felt like any food would make me vomit.

"One..."

As if. I wasn't a kid anymore. She couldn't intimidate me to get out of bed just by counting. I may have been throwing a fit over my need to stay in bed and let my body rot to dust, but I wasn't a baby. I was a grown-ass man, for fuck's sake. Nineteen going on twenty.

"Two. God forbid I get to three, Axel."

I didn't even flinch. What could she do to me? Drag me out of bed, only to have me crawl back in or kick her in the teeth? She had to come to terms that she wasn't in charge of me anymore, suicidal thoughts or not. Yeah, refusing to get out of bed probably wasn't the best way to prove it, but it was good enough for me.

"Th-"

"Mom, I'm naked under here. Do you really want me to get up?" I muttered, lifting the pillow just enough for her to hear me.

I felt the weight of my sweatpants thrown onto me and went back to smothering myself.

"Get dressed, Axel. We're going to Kairi's today to see the baby."

I groaned. "I don't wanna see that little hellspawn!"

"Get dressed, Axel!" she snapped, her tone one that I simply couldn't argue with. "If I have to come in here again to wake you up, you're gonna wish you stayed at college for break!"

I flinched as my bedroom door snapped shut with the volume of a bolt of almighty lightning coming to strike me down, giving a final groan before I rolled out of bed. I hit the floor in a cocoon of sheets and began the painstaking process of untangling myself, getting up and moving to my suitcase for some clothes. I paused after I got my clothes, still naked, catching my reflection in the mirror on the back of my door.

Staring back at me was a pale skeleton, all tan drained from his skin in malnourishment. His ribs peeked through papery skin, muscles just barely visible on his arms and his legs, taut as wire. There were bags under sunken, tired, lifeless eyes that had long lost the light in acidic green irises, making his thin face seem like that of a corpse. His hair was a total mess, having not been combed or trimmed in the longest time. A black sun resided on his bony left hip, a crescent moon of the same color and size on the right to serve as an eternal reminder, etched into exhausted skin. Over six feet of nothing but skin and bones, ready to keel over and die in an instant. If I had seen him on the side of the road, I would have picked him up and taken him to a buffet until he was stuffed to the point of exploding. While there was a small bump on his stomach, upon touching it, I discovered that it was the remains of a six-pack abdomen he had spent so long on getting. There was a fine stubble on his face, which was surprising, as his facial hair tended to grow at a slower pace than that of a snail's walk. He looked like a man that had been hiding in a box for his life, only eating the bugs that crawled through the holes.

The sight scared me, because I knew that man was me. I knew I was the one staring back, a dumbfounded look on my doppleganger's face. I could barely believe how awful I looked. In my shock and horror, I shuffled towards the mirror and pressed fingers to it, as if I was trying to touch the man inside, hoping he was just a figment of my imagination. Fingertips hit glass and my body jerked to a halt from its slow forward momentum, realization seeping through me at the speed of a rocket. Dead eyes locked together and fingers pushed against glass until they turned white with force. Seventeen months had taken its toll. Seventeen months, and I was fit to crawl into a casket and drop six feet under like the man that had taken my soul from my frail body.

Seventeen months, and I had died.


	6. Godfather

After I snapped out of the trance that my reflection had put me in, I pulled my fingers off of the mirror and began to get dressed. I slipped into the bathroom next to my room, showering in something other than a locker room for the first time in what felt like months. I could only imagine how bad I smelled. I washed my hair and scrubbed my body until the skin turned red and the water ran cold, slipping out and using one of my dad's razors to shave off the little red hairs that had grown on my chin in my unhygienic neglect. For once, I was going to put some effort into my appearance.

I grabbed the nicest looking shirt I had, which happened to be a long-sleeve black polo, and a pair of dark jeans that weren't ripped or bleached. I took the time to spike my hair up in its usual fashion, something I had dropped after the accident out of pure laziness and the knowledge that no one would be teasingly calling me porcupine. I nearly drowned myself in aftershave and cologne, emerging from the bathroom nearly two hours later to find my mother staring at me in awe, mid-knock.

"I cleaned up," I admitted with a shrug, giving her a smile. I leaned forward and pecked a quick kiss on her forehead, making my way to the dining room. I popped a few more Tums just in case, my stomach still gurgling, and grabbed the toast from my dad's unfinished breakfast plate. I slid the dishes into the sink and began to tidy up, nearly forgetting how messy my parents were. I poured the remaining coffee into a travel mug to myself, a piece of toast still dangling from my mouth as I washed my hands and turned to leave.

My mother was standing in the doorway, the same awed expression on her face.

I swallowed a bite of the toast and raised my eyebrows at her. "What?"

Her expression slowly melted into a smile as she grabbed her purse off the counter, slinging it over her shoulder. "You cleaned up," she said simply, standing on her tiptoes to press a kiss to my cheek. "And to think you were so stubborn to get up. Look at you. You almost look excited!"

"Almost," I stressed, holding up a finger. "I could never be excited or happy in any way about going to see some baby in the rich half of New York."

She laughed softly, turning and heading for the door. "I didn't think so. Be excited to see Kairi, at least. When's the last time you saw her?"

"Family reunion six years ago," I recited, finishing off my toast as I followed her out the door, borrowing her keys to lock up. I handed them back and walked down the steps to the cab that was waiting, my dad chatting up the cabbie about the latest sporting event. I slid into the very back of the van-like cab before anyone could stop me, sitting in the middle so I had plenty of room to stretch out my legs between the other two seats. My parents eventually piled in as well, my dad too busy talking to the cabbie to notice that his son had come back from the dead in a seemingly overnight transition.

My mom called Kairi and began a conversation of her own, the chatter in the car forcing me to reach in my pocket for my iPod. I sunk the buds into my ears and turned up the volume, completely blocking out the world around me. I began scrolling through my playlists, which I had way too many of, as Hollywood Undead tore my eardrums to shreds. I paused, a smile coming on my face as I found a playlist with the sole title of Disney. I began to play it, my smile growing a bit as I realized it was Demyx's own CD. I had given my iPod to Demyx before we left, telling him to put some good music on there for me. Disney tracks were definitely good music.

With Demyx fresh on my mind, I settled my iPod on the seat beside me and pulled out my phone, scrolling through my relatively short list of contacts to find Demyx's name. I sent him a good morning text after checking the clock, finding that it was already noon. It was probably six in the morning where he was. I waited impatiently for a response, but never got one. My smile didn't fade though, as I had begun humming along to the music blaring in my head. I decided to text Roxas instead, getting a rather amusing text back.

"A good morning text? What the fuck, dude? Am I your girlfriend or something?"

Smirking, I texted him back. "You're too straight for me. We're breaking up."

"I'm heartbroken. Really."

I barked out a laugh out loud, thinking I was completely alone, thanks to the music and my mood. There was a brief pause in my music, but a long enough one for me to hear my mother speak.

"You're in a good mood today, Axel."

I tugged out one of my earbuds, snapping back to reality. That stupid grin was still on my face that I didn't see leaving any time soon. My mom beamed at me, smiling to the point that I could have sworn there were tears in her eyes. My dad had turned around to stare, eyebrows risen as his only show of emotion. Of course, my mother definitely had enough sentiment for the both of them. He looked like he was about to kick me in the face to get me to stop smiling.

"Welcome back," he grumbled, eyes narrowed. "What the hell happened?"

I held out my iPod to him, showing him that I was listening to The Circle of Life. "Disney happened, Pop. Don'tcha know the power of Disney magic?"

"I'm being serious, Axel."

I shrugged, slouching in my seat and putting my iPod on my lap. "Is it a crime to be happy after seventeen fucking months of being dead?"

And with that reminder, just like that, my smile was completely gone.

"Yes, it is, in fact. What are you on?"

"I don't do drugs, Dad," I deadpanned, not counting the few parties I had gone to and gotten high at. "Why is it, every time I'm fucking happy for once, you think I'm drunk or high? I can be happy without some fucking antidepressants, and you know why? Because there's some people in this world that make me happy, and you're not one of them."

My mom turned to strike up a conversation with the cabbie, trying to diffuse the tension that was building.

"Because it's true over half the time!"

"When the _hell_have I ever been drunk or stoned, Dad? I smoke! That's it! The only thing I drink is pop and water! You know I can't do that shit because of basketball and that I never would anyway!"

"Don't lie to me!" he snapped, his tone one of warning. The color that his face was turning was telling me to back down, but I wasn't that sort of person. If a fight started, I finished it. I wasn't going to sit there, Lion King in one ear, and take my dad's accusations like I was a kid.

"You think I'm such a bad person and the worst thing I've ever done around you in pick up smoking because I was fucking depressed and it was the only thing that seemed to help me calm down! I didn't drink my problems away like you do every fucking night with a bottle of Jack Daniels that you spent your whole fucking paycheck on!"

His color went from red to purple and back again. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was having a heart attack. He reached back to hit me, but I moved, laying flat against the seat to duck, crushing my spikes in the process as my mom shouted and grabbed his arm.

"Carl!"

I stuck my tongue out at him like a child as my mom pulled him back and began to scold him, putting my feet up and twisting the seatbelt to make a nice bed for myself. I put my other earbud in and grabbed my phone, texting Roxas again.

"I'm gonna die."

"And why's that?"

"My parents are taking me to see Kairi's baby and my dad almost strangled me."

"That's ironic. I'm here right now."

My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "You're at Kairi's?" I stared at my phone, sitting up a bit in my concentration. Why was he at Kairi's? He didn't even know her, other than when I mentioned her in a discussion. When had he gotten so buddy-buddy with her?

My family wasn't very collected or in-touch, not that we were a big family anyway. My mom had a sister, who was the mother to Kairi, and that was all I knew. I wasn't sure how Roxas and Kairi had become acquainted, and that made a cold feeling sink into my stomach and settle like a stone. I began to wonder what all I had missed in the last seventeen months and realized that I hadn't even known Kairi was married, let alone pregnant. I had been completely disconnected from any and all social aspects of my life, and this was certainly no different. I kept staring at my phone, at the reflection of sunken eyes. No matter how cleaned up I had gotten, I still looked like a dead man. A dead man that didn't even know his own family.

"I gotta go. I'll explain when you get here."

I let out a sigh through my nostrils and shoved my phone back into my pocket, closing my eyes and getting transported back to my little world of Disney and thoughts centered on Demyx.

I woke up when my mom shook my shoulder, groggily getting out and turning off my iPod, blinking in the light of the day. I was barely conscious of my surroundings and what I was doing as I sleepily shuffled after my parents and into the small two-story townhouse. I kicked off my shoes and woke up as my aunt smothered me in a hug that pretty much drowned me in her beehive hairdo as she pressed her cheek to my chest.

"Axel! You've gotten so big!"

I faked a laugh, hugging back reluctantly. "Yeah, I guess I have."

She let me go, but kept an uncomfortably tight grip on my biceps. "You look so thin! Good lord, I'm really going to have to make a dinner for you!" She pinched my shallow cheeks and I flinched, to which she giggled before moving onto my mom.

I slipped away while I could, remembering the layout of the house despite having not been there in several years. i ducked into the living room and saw Roxas watching Mythbusters, sprawled out on a periwinkle couch that nearly matched his eyes, a plate of homemade nachos on his lap. He looked up at me as I flopped into a plush recliner, letting out a sigh of content before I pulled up the level for the footrest. I reached over and grabbed the glass of lemonade that I assumed was Roxas', taking a long drink before putting it back down.

"Hello to you too," he muttered, snatching his lemonade and moving it out of my reach. He sat up and looked me up and down, one of his eyebrows raising. "Well, hey. It's Axel. Where've you been?"

I flipped him off, rolling my head to look at him directly. "You have any idea that you sound like my father right now?"

He snorted, trying to unstick one of his Tostidos from the mountain of cheese, peppers, and salsa that were covering them. "Seriously, Axel. You actually look like yourself. You're still skinny as fuck, but, hey, stay here for a few hours and you'll weigh five hundred pounds in no time." As an example, he held out his plate of nachos to me.

"Like I didn't know that," I chuckled, nodding towards the entryway, where my short and stocky aunt was still greeting my parents. "That woman probably eats sticks of butter for cereal with chocolate sauce instead of milk."

Roxas pulled a face. "Okay, that's sick."

I smirked and rolled my head back over to him. "What're you doin' here anyway?"

He seemed confused, finally getting a chip free. "You really clocked out for the past seventeen months, huh? You don't remember?"

I frowned a bit, straightening up in my seat. "What?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but he was cut off as someone sprinted down the staircase on the opposite end of the room. Kairi came to a halt, beaming at me with a bundle in her arms. She looked the same since middle school, a bit taller and definitely more voluptuous. Her auburn hair was in a messy bun at the back of her head and she looked obviously tired, bags under her eyes. There was an engagement ring on one of her fingers, that being her only jewelry. She trotted over to me, clearly proud of that little _thing_she was holding.

"Oh no!" I panicked, holding up my hands and backing away in the chair. "I am _not_touching that thing!"

"He's your godson," Kairi murmured, still holding him to her chest protectively. "I know you don't like kids, but just hold him? He's asleep."

How the little brat managed to sleep through being run down the stairs and my shouting, I had no clue. I kept my hands up, shaking my head. "Fuck no. I don't care. Pick a new godfather."

"Axel, really," she huffed, clearly impatient. Roxas was just watching us, munching on his nachos in amusement at my discomfort. "Just hold him. Not for long, I swear. Just long enough for me to greet your parents. If you really have to, pass him off to Roxas. I just want him to know you."

"He's sleeping, just put him in the fucking crib."

Her blue eyes narrowed dangerously. "Axel."

I groaned and held my arms out. "I don't even know how to hold a baby."

Roxas put down his nachos and stood up, walking over to me and grabbing my arms. "Like this," he instructed, moving my arms to create a small cradle for the baby. He carefully took the boy from Kairi and placed it in my arms, smiling. "That's not so bad, huh?"

I looked down at the bundle I was cradling, reaching to pull the blanket aside so I could actually see his face. He seemed to have woken up, brilliant blue eyes staring up at me in confusion before his face distorted and he began to cry. I panicked, looking up at Roxas and Kairi. Kairi took him back and disappeared back upstairs, trying to calm him down. I kept staring at Roxas though, the gears in my head turning slow due to my sleepy state and the fact that I had been out of the loop for over a year and a half.

"Holy fuck," I breathed, watching Roxas fidget under my wide-eyed gaze. "You're the father."

He gave a small shrug. "Yeah. I told you that nine months ago, but you were too fucking depressed and out of it to hear me. Do you even remember when Kairi came to visit you?"

My head found a home in my palm, eyes peeking between fingers. "Oh my fucking hell..."

He made his way back to the couch, not touching his nachos. "We're engaged. We'll be getting married this summer, and I was wondering if you would be my best man. I mean, you're the fucking godfather, Axel... We want you involved in his life. He doesn't have much family on Kairi's side. Besides, you really mean a lot to me and Kairi. We want you to be involved in our family."

It took several attempts that resulted in little noises not unlike squeaks, but I finally got my vocal chords to work from under the heel of my hand. "Are you serious...?"

"Completely, you dumbass. Why would I joke about something like that? Axel, you're my best fucking friend, zombie state or not. We survived high school together, dude. If you're not my best friend, I seriously dunno who is. I want you to be the godfather, Axel. It was my idea in the first place."

Before I knew it, I was crying. I buried my face in my hands to find it, but I was being pretty damn obvious about it. I had neglected Roxas since I had left for college, and now he was asking me to be his best man and the godfather to his child? He was getting married to my cousin and wanted to get me even closer to my family? I had no idea what had brough that decision of his on, but it made my chest sore with the ache of emotion I hadn't felt in seventeen months. Someone thought I had the ability to be such a large part in their lives, and I hadn't done a damn thing to deserve it. I felt like I was accepting a freebie, but I couldn't stop crying long enough to argue against his decision. I just cried, having absolutely no shame for doing so in front of Roxas. I heard him chuckle softly at me as he stood up and began to rub my back, trying to get me to stop crying.

"Stop the water works, man. You should be happy."

I wiped viciously at my eyes before I looked up at him to show him my face, cheeks lifted high with the curvature of a smile that almost hurt.


	7. Space

Spring break went by in a blur. I stayed with Kairi for the most of it, trying to get over the fear of babies that I had had my entire life. Needless to say, it didn't work. By the time my aunt dropped me off at the airport, I still hadn't gotten the courage to hold little Ventus for more than a couple seconds. I didn't even go near the little guy, which pissed Roxas off to end and led him to remind me every few seconds that I used to be a baby too. Everyone had been a baby at some point in their life. Honestly, I didn't care about that. I still didn't like babies. That was just the way things were.

Over spring break, I stayed up late texting Demyx and woke up early due to Ventus and his stupid sleeping schedule. I moved my things from home to Kairi's simply because I didn't want to be around my parents any longer than was necessary. They came to see me off when I left, my mother still in a bit of shock. Her little Axel had returned, and that stupid robot was gone. It was the sight of myself that had scared me straight, knowing that I was going to kill myself if I continued. Staying in that little townhouse really helped me. Not only was I getting three meals a day shoved down my throat, but Kairi and Roxas were sure to keep me active so I didn't lose my basketball physique. They got me outside and the sun seemed to warm me down to the very core as it tinted my ghostly skin a healthy peach color. I gained a healthy ten pounds in that week, putting some meat on my narrow bones. While I was still tired, I had gotten a nudge farther from being a living corpse.

When the plane landed, I nearly sprinted to my gate. Demyx had said he would be picking me up, seeing as how his plane had landed a day earlier. My eyes were wide, scanning my surroundings for a blonde mullet of hair. I idly wondered if he would even recognize me, the light back in my eyes and my hair spiked like I was some sort of porcupine. Tan skin and actual clothes covering a clean body, although that body still smelled of nicotine and had tar in its lungs. I was Axel now, not the man that Demyx had known. I wanted to show myself off to him, prove how magnificently I had changed. I was proud, as if I had created the world's most beautiful work of art on my very skin.

I saw Demyx first, as he had his head bowed and was texting away on his phone. I decided to surprise him, walking a large circle around him and coming to his back just as he finished his novel of a text, reaching around and covering his eyes. He froze, but I saw his cheeks lift in a smile.

"Your hands smell like free peanuts, Axel."

I laughed and removed my hand as he turned, watching his eyes widen a bit. He reached a hand up and touched one of my spikes before he laughed at me, opening his arms for a hug. I graciously accepted the gesture, dropping my suitcase in favor of grabbing him around the waist and pulling him close. His arms wrapped around me and I closed my eyes, hooking my chin on his shoulder and smelling his watermelon shampoo. I relaxed instantly in his hold, only letting go when he gave me a slight push.

I was a sucker for hugs, granted that they weren't from my parents or my chubby old aunt. I just liked to be held, relishing in the contact and feeling safe from the world. Maybe it was something that Saïx's hugs had done to me, but I wasn't sure. All I knew was that I liked hugs. Kisses were nice, sex was good, but hugs and cuddles were the best thing that I could ever receive. It's just… comforting. That's really all there is to it. Pressing my body close enough to another's to the point I can feel their lungs working for air and their heart keeping them alive was somewhat of a surreal occurrence. I accepted it whenever it was offered. I was a cuddler, no matter how often I got teased for it.

"Someone's changed," he remarked, smiling proudly as he picked up my suitcase for me.

"So have you," I countered, noting his tan, which had nearly rendered him red. That really wasn't much of a difference, but I wanted to point it out nonetheless.

He shrugged, beginning to walk alongside me. "Not nearly as much as you did. I mean, just over a week ago, you were trying to kill yourself and you looked like hell! Now you're all smiley and you're not as pale, and I swear your face doesn't look as much of a skull. Not to mention the new hairdo. I like it."

I beamed, reaching up to tilt the spikes in a vain effort to get them to stick up a bit more. "Thanks! And yeah, my aunt stuffed me with food. When I wasn't eating, I was outside with Roxas."

He laughed softly, dropping his hand from my hair to stuff in the pocket of his cargo shorts. "I'm glad you're doing better."

"Oh my God!" I suddenly shouted, knowing I could talk as loud as I damned well pleased because we were in the parking lot by now. "Roxas had a fucking baby! 'member I told you Kairi had one? Yeah! Roxas is the fuckin' father! And he wants me to be the godfather of the kid! That's the stupidest fucking idea I've ever heard! I hate kids! I can't stand 'em! They're gross, they're messy, they're fragile, they're noisy, they shit, cry, and eat! That's it! And they're fucking expensive! I dunno why people have babies! It's not like we need to keep fucking reproducing! They're seriously the most fucking annoying things I have ever seen in my life! I don't care if I was a baby at one point! They-! Demyx?" I stopped in my tracks, realizing I was walking alone. Confused, I turned around to look behind me. Had he stopped to tie his shoe?

He was standing a few feet back, staring at me with a "Are you shitting me?" expression on his face. He cocked an eyebrow and forced a laugh, shaking his head and rejoining me. "You definitely have some strong feelings about that, huh?"

I chuckled, shrugging. "Yeah, I got a little carried away."

His blue eyes rolled at me as he slapped my arm. "You're lucky I'm not a preschool teacher or else I woulda killed you for that."

"Thanks for being a sane human being."

"My pleasure."

My bag was thrown into the bed of Demyx's truck and I slid in, the Disney CD being switched out to a fuzzy oldies station. I didn't mind the lack of children's showtunes, however, as I wanted to strike up a conversation with him. After all, since I had left on my plane, the only thing I wanted to do was have a conversation with the man who saved my life. Of course, I didn't want to make our relationship one of me striving to repay him or even idolizing him. I wanted to be the guy's friend.

"How was Hawaii?"

He immediately lit up, driving out of the parking lot after putting on his seatbelt. He wiggled a bit in his seat due to the excitement that made his cheeks flush, drawing a light chuckle from my abnormally melted chest. "It was awesome! We went scuba diving, then to a luau, visited some of the volcanos, and Xigbar even taught me how to swim!"

Definitely more fun than mine. Although, the name made me curious. And here I had thought Demyx had gone alone…

"Who's Xigbar?"

"Xigbar? Oh, he's my boyfriend!"

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

That words sent a chill straight down my spine, frosting over my insides and turning my blood into a slow-moving slush, choking my heart and stopping it to get a double take.

_Boyfriend._

After Saïx had died, my entire world had exploded. I was sent flying out into space, clinging to a piece of that land for dear life. I could either cling to something broken and lost or let go and drift aimlessly through the cosmos, only to search for a new world to orbit. I had found that new world in Demyx, abandoning the chuck of Saïx I had been holding onto. I began to orbit him, observing from a close range. Close enough to want to be closer, but far enough away that it was still possible for me to escape that deadly gravitational pull. I was orbiting myself closer, nearly crashing through his atmosphere and under his skin to the molten lava of his heart. I had been so close. But now, there was another drifter in my orbit. I was bumped out, pushed away. I wasn't allowed to get close to Demyx, one night stand or not. That had merely been a meteor shower of a few touches. But what I wanted, that entire entity of Demyx, was so very far out of reach. With Xigbar there, my odds of getting close to him were beyond even zero. I didn't stand a chance.

Demyx had great people skills, that was obvious with time. He noticed that I had spaced out – no pun intended – and turned to look at me in slight bright smile had faded as minutes of silence creeped over us, letting the storms rage in our heads. Mine in a heartbreak I hadn't thought would happen and his in confusion.

"You have a boyfriend," I stated dryly, my tongue suddenly feeling like an alien in my mouth.

"Yeah." His attention went back to the road, although the concern didn't disappear. "Sorry, I thought I had mentioned it. He's a nice guy. This is his truck, actually. He let me come pick you up. He's a nice guy and all, but I haven't told him 'bout… y'know. What happened at that party. He'd kill me… You too, probably."

I heard him speaking to me, but the words only nested into the pink coils of my cranium to burn and prod at me, only to explode like a land mine later on. His voice was too happy, talking about him. Well, save for the last bit. But that didn't excuse the fact that Demyx clearly cared a lot about this man. I didn't know why the news made it feel like my body was beginning to decay and die, but I blamed it on my selfishness. I wanted Demyx as a close friend, not with Xigbar in my way to keep me out.

"He made me hula dance for him, so I guess that was a little mean… But he made up for it that night."

The words in my mind exploded.

"You could have told me you were going with your boyfriend," I muttered, barely able to keep the fury out of my voice.

He gave a bit of a shrug, turning onto the freeway. "I know, but it never came up. He's the one that offered you a spot at the house this summer, by the way. He'll give you a job too, if you need one. He runs a shooting range. It's pretty easy work, but a bit physical. He's owned the place for twenty years now."

"Twenty? How old is he?"

"Erm… Promise not to laugh?"

"Yeah, sure."

"He's… he's forty-two. It's only a twenty-one year difference! It's not that big of a deal! Besides, he said we could get married once I finish college."

That was the first night in a very long time that I got so high from my dorm's dealer that I couldn't move.

I sat on my bed, back to the wall, hunched over my knees. The room was spinning through a bright vortex around me, causing my lunch of airplane peanuts to come up several times into a trash can I had retrieved from the hallway. My hair was still wet from my shower, but sweat tainted the filtered water and ran down my body, tracing over goosebumps from cold skin. I sat in the nude, finding clothes too hot for my itchy skin. The lights were off in an attempt to make the hallucinations less severe, but Oogie Boogie himself had emerged from the inky black to dance a song of macabre to my tired ears. My thoughts were mushed so much that I wasn't thinking of anything anymore, just focusing on keeping my heart beating and breaths pulling from my lungs. That in itself was quite the challenge. I couldn't multitask around that. Even when I grabbed the trash to spew more tar from my intestines, I could feel the pain of my heart stopping and the freezing feeling that settled into my chest with a lack of breath.

I had overdone it for a recreational user.

My body hideously convulsed into the bin, the putrid scent of vomit only making my head remove itself from my body in favor of watching the monsters crawl out from under my bed and drag their skeletal fingers across my body. My paper skin was torn and shadows slid inside, black blood trickling down to fill the void of nothingness that my skeleton soaked inside. The blood felt like ice, causing my skin to freeze and shatter with a single touch. In no time at all, my bones were left naked, a skeleton perched on the bed of a college student that had seemed to be doing so well less than twenty-four hours ago.

What was happening to me?

Demyx and I stayed in touch through texts, although I typically only sent him one once a day when I got up the courage. It had taken me nearly seven days to work off the state that the mystery drugs had established, setting it in my mind that I would _never_ be doing that again anytime soon. I had peeked out of the clouds just in time for the last basketball meeting of the official season, at which we would receive news on summer and fall practices, as well as pick a new team captain. Although, Hayner had been our captain since before I had come in. He wasn't about to be voted off.

The meet was simple and, just as precedent predicted, Hayner was reelected as captain. To say that someone else had been elected may have caused the whole world to flip on its axis. We got the schedules and work-out suggestions for summer to keep us in shape on a neon orange flyer as we left, but our coach held us up for a moment in the locker room, giving Hayner a small box that was unmarked.

"Drug tests. Piss in the cup, prick your finger, fill out the paperwork, and bring 'em back. I'll be calling with results when I get 'em for ya, positive or not."

I took my box with a shaking head and followed the crowd to the bathroom, choosing a stall to go into. I locked the door and placed the box on the back of the toilet, staring it down. I was out of my high by now, so I figured that the drug test wouldn't pick it up. It had nearly been a week since I had my little snap, after all. It had to be gone.

A breath rattled through my bones to help prepare myself as I opened the box, following the directions and completing the test in nearly double the time it took everyone else. I sucked idly on my pricked finger as I left, drawing blood out from the skin to suck between my teeth. I handed in the box and quickly left, proceeding to sit on my floor and stare at my phone for three agonizingly stressful days.

I answered the call halfway through the first ring, reassuring myself in a split second that I was alright as soon as I heard the bored voice of my coach.

"Well, Ax, got your results back. Hayner got kicked off the team 'cause his came back positive in marijuana and ecstasy."

I frowned a bit, a little upset that we were now missing our team captain. Although, it was a well-known fact that Hayner was high almost all the time. "He did…? Did anyone else get kicked off?"

"Just one other." Papers shuffled in the background, picking out the next number to call, most likely. "I hate kickin' people off the team, Ax, but it's gotta happen."

"Who was it then?" I asked, creating idle chit-chat now. My nerved were gone. If he had gotten positive results from me, he would have told me by now. Coach wasn't one for suspense. I was safe, thank God. If I got kicked off the team, I'd lose my scholarship. I'd have to drop college. My whole future would be fucked. "Who got kicked off with Hayner?"

"You did, Axel."

And just like that, my sun had burnt out and the stars fell out of the sky, leaving me drifting helplessly in my void of black space.


	8. Pyro

There were two things in my life that had made it worth living. Those things were basketball and Saïx.

Now, I had to admit to myself that Demyx had managed to slip under my skin and dive through my ribcage to begin fixing the hole in my heart where Saïx used to be. With the news of a boyfriend who, might I add, was _extremely_ too old for him, that little place where Demyx had nested tore a little, threatening to break away just as Saïx had. I held onto it though, having the notion that maybe, just maybe, Demyx would realize that he shouldn't be dating a man who's old enough to be his father and break up with him. Maybe then I could return to my orbit, drifting in to claim the space that Xigbar had once occupied. I finally realized that Demyx wasn't just some kid that I had become friends with after a one-night stand when we had both been drunk and high at some frat party. I finally realized that I wanted to be much more than a friend and, if I was being honest, I wanted to do that one night stand with him again, minus the "one night" part. The only thing in my way was Xigbar.

Basketball, however, was something that couldn't be replaced. It wasn't just getting kicked off the team that upset me, even though that was part of it, but it was because basketball was the only reason I was at college rather than working some minimum wage job like Roxas in Harlem. My counselor had contacted me once he found out about the drug test that revealed the near-lethal cocktail of illegal smoke and powder in my lungs with news that made my heart sink straight to my legs, making them too heavy to move. I had lost my scholarship and, if I ever wanted to come back the following year, I would have to pay. He knew, just as much as the rest of the staff, that telling me that was the equivalent of kicking me out for good. I wouldn't be coming back. I had to start packing my bags, finishing up my classes as the final bill was paid. I started to get in touch with Demyx a little more, not wanting him to start worrying about me. I never mentioned the loss of my scholarship, not even telling him that I wouldn't be coming back in the fall. He invited me out to a bonfire he was putting on the Saturday before my finals started, sort of as a stress-reducer as the both of us had been studying nearly every waking hour of the day.

We met up at McDonalds around eight, which was our meeting spot for our carpool. The restaurant was totally dead, but Demyx was easy to spot before he even got there, his outfit almost making me laugh. White basketball shorts and a V-neck that was such a shade of neon pink that he looked like a walking highlighter. His Mohawk, I was starting to learn, always looked the same, although the piercings in his ears were swapped out for neon ones.

"What's with the get-up?" I snickered as I held the door into sweet air conditioning for him to get us out of the humid night air, myself in a gray wife beater and cargo shorts. Much less… gay.

He gave a shrug, slipping under my arm and waiting for me to join his side as we went to the counter for something to eat while we waited. "I was cleaning out my closet and found this in it. Xigbar said it looked nice, so I wore it."

"Oh, it definitely came out of the closet," I teased, reaching into my pocket for my wallet.

Demyx slapped at my arm, holding up a ten dollar bill. "I got it."

I didn't argue, knowing I didn't have more than two dollars. I merely held up my hands, smiling. "Okay, fine. Dunno if you can afford me though."

Demyx finished his order off the dollar menu before he turned to me, cocking a challenging eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

"A twenty piece nugget with ranch, a large pop, and two oatmeal cookies," I told the woman behind the counter before smirking at Demyx.

He rolled his eyes at me and forked over the ten as I took my cup for the soda fountain and proceeded to fill it up with Mountain Dew. I knew I'd need the energy for the cult-like dances around the fire as we burned witches at the stake. Demyx came over and filled up his own cup, although he was sure to get one of every choice. He let out a nearly feminine giggle at the expression on my face as he capped it off and grabbed a straw.

"I like variety," he defended.

I laughed at him before I headed to grab our food, choosing a booth in the back that was relatively far from the rest of the lunch rush. I felt the smile leave my face as I realized that I wouldn't have time to think of a response for three hours if he asked me anything, like I did when texting him. So, before he could even ask, I spilled the beans.

"I won't be coming back after summer break next year."

Demyx swallowed a bite of his McChicken in confusion, lowering his sandwich. "Why not…?"

I kept my eyes down as I opened the box my nuggets were in, playing with the edges of it in nervousness. "I got kicked off the basketball team. That was the only reason I was able to come to school here and, now that I got kicked off, I lost my scholarship. I haven't got enough money to come here anymore. Not even for a day."

"So you're going back home?"

His voice made me hesitate on my response. It was soft, shaking a bit with sadness. The look on his face was nothing less than a hurt puppy that got its leg and heart equally broken. I cleared my throat and looked down again, not wanting to see that look. I felt guilt gnawing at my bones like termites, my voice speaking without my full consent.

"No. I'll move into that house with you for the summer, if you don't mind. Roxas is getting married to Kairi sometime, so I'll move back then."

He gave a small nod, picking at the bun on his sandwich. "If you don't mind me asking… How did you get kicked off the team?"

That was the part I was scared to answer, but I did anyway. Sort of. "I got caught smoking marijuana."

He frowned, looking a bit disappointed. "I thought you said you didn't do that stuff at school."

I just shrugged. "Yeah, well…"

A silence blanketed over us and Demyx pulled out a study guide that was pushed into his pocket, going over some math problems as he ate. I found myself staring as I ate my mini feast, unable to notice the way that painfully bright shirt clung tight to his body, exaggerating his thinly muscled body. The dip of the collar gave a nice view of the small hollow where his shoulder blades met his neck, his burnt skin softening into a nice tan. I watched his Adam's apple bob with every swallow of food, my own eating slowing down a bit. Whenever his eyes flashed up to look at me, I quickly pretended to be looking out of the window behind his seat. Eventually, however, he noticed I was staring.

"Does my shirt really bother you that much?" he teased, pushing his straw down in search of pop below the ice.

It took me a moment, but I eventually recovered a bit to answer. "Yeah. You look like a fucking highlighter."

He chuckled at my answer, eyes dropping back down to his study guide, pencil ghosting over the math problems and etching light graphite scars into the paper. I watched him for a bit longer, finishing off my nuggets and starting on my cookies, sipping my Dew every so often. We had nearly been there for a half hour before our ride showed up.

"Sorry I'm late."

The voice made me look up, expecting Cheech and Chong to be standing there. I was shocked when I saw someone who looked like he walked straight out of a Michael Bay movie strolling over to us, his biker boots tapping on the tile like a woman's red heels. I was staring, I'll admit, but the worker behind the counter was gaping as well. Clearly, he didn't come here often. If it wasn't for the eye patch, the elbow length and silver striped black hair that was pulled back, the yellow eye, the scars that marred his face and exposed arms, or the fact that his shirt loudly declared "I don't shoot blanks, if you know what I mean", it was that cocky grin on his face that exposed a sharp canine. The way he held himself was with lazy, ignorant, egotistical pride. Already, I hated the guy.

He laughed at my staring as he grabbed a chair and spun it next to Demyx, straddling it and grabbing the blonde's pop and pulling a face at the taste. "You have the weirdest fucking taste, Babydoll."

Yep. I definitely hated him.

Demyx's cheeks tinted a slight pink at the nickname, his hands refolding the study guide. "Xigbar, this is Axel. The friend I told you I was bringing."

That single yellow orb rested on me, silently taking in what it saw and assigning labels and stereotypes. Although his mouth showed a smile that stretched the scar on his cheek, I still felt that we were two sharks just waiting to latch onto the same injured dolphin. "Nice to meetcha, Axel," he greeted kindly, offering a worn hand to shake.

I didn't bother taking it, simply regarding it with a look of distaste. "You too."

Demyx stood to break the sudden tension that had risen, linking his arm through Xigbar's and pulling him up, coming up to the man's shoulder. "Let's just go. We're late as it is. Luxord might think we're not showing up."

"Right, right." He smiled as he stood, kissing Demyx's cheek as he stood up. They walked for the door, arms locked, leaving me to gather the trash and follow them out.

That was my competition. A lean giant who looked like a war hero that had past his violent prime. Ripped jeans with oil and grass stains and a t-shirt that was as black as his aged hair. The guy had cologne made up of engine fumes, gunpowder, and cigarettes, making the fact that he was gay a little… surprising. At least people like Demyx _looked _their sexuality. But that wasn't the problem here. The problem was that Xigbar was standing on such a pedestal of manhood and age that there was no way I could climb up the smooth marble. I saw the way Demyx leaned into him as they walked, the way they locked hands as Xigbar drove a beat up four-door Chevy truck, leaving me in the backseat to silently seethe and calculate my odds of actually getting Demyx to come to me. They laughed and talked, voices drowned in the oldies music coming from the speakers on either side of my head. Eventually, when they actually started sucking face at a red light, I had to look away in order to not lose my nuggets.

The drive was a solid fifty minutes before we pulled off of a dirt road and onto a two-track driveway to a rather shady house. In fact, it wasn't even a house. It was a trailer up on a fake porch. There were cars gathered around, confirming that there was a happening. Well, that and the fact that there was a ten-foot bonfire in the backyard with five people gathered around.

"About bloody time!"

"Shut up, Lux," Xigbar groaned as we crawled out of his truck, flipping off a rather drunk blonde that was too soaked in rum to get up and greet us from his camp chair.

Demyx was suddenly at my side as we walked towards the party, pointing to different people and mumbling explanations. "The drunk is Luxord. He's a cool guy, but don't play poker if he offers. He'll take everything you own, including your clothes on your back. The guy with his hood up on the picnic table is Marluxia. He's not gay and don't ask unless you want your face rearranged. Yes, I'm serious. Don't gimme that look. That girl on his lap is Larxene. Don't even approach her. She's a fucking bitch. Literally. She's been screwing Marluxia for a year now. The guy that's tossing wood into the fire is Lexaeus, but we just call him Lex. He's pretty quiet, but he's a really nice guy. He's worth talking to. He rarely drinks, though. Never really loosens up. And, finally, see that guy coming out the back with the hotdogs? That's Xaldin. He's alright. A little temperamental. He's not Jamaican, so don't make fun of his dreads unless you want him to run you through with one of those hotdog skewers. Got it?"

"Think I can manage," I muttered, dropping onto a stump and watching the flames, trying not to express what a damn pyro I was.

Fire made me wild. When I saw it, I just wanted to grab a flaming pinecone and throw it in someone's window to light up their house. I could sit in front of a bonfire for a little while, but that never lasted long. I would drink and start running around the fire like a Neanderthal, ripping off my shirt and sending prayers to the devil to trade my soul just to be as free as a flying ember or as strong as the flames that licked at the oversized pieces of wood. Fire made me wild. Even while sober.

So when that wild side came out, I didn't dare hide it. In fact, I was so entertaining, beers continued to be shoved at me, driving me to a new level of madness. I nearly fell into the fire several times, although I did burn my bare feet as I ran around in nothing but my boxers. More booze, more screaming and running. More down the path that I promised myself I wouldn't go on. Drinking and drowning myself in my own insanity.

When I woke up in the morning, I was on someone's couch. There was a cold compress that had gone warm under my neck, something small and furry in the middle of my bare chest. I was too tired and in pain to really process much, trying to fight back the urge to throw up with my hangover.

I did the drunk-night check on myself without moving too much and waking up the little black ball on my chest, pleased with the results. I still had my boxers on, I couldn't feel the coming bruises of any hickies and my ass didn't hurt. A good night. Although, the bottoms of my feet hurt like hell with burns, along with some parts of my legs. Oh well. I could live with that.

Finally, I lifted my hands and picked up the ball on my chest, surprised as it woke up and began wiggling its nose at me in surprised curiosity. Wondering why the hell there was a rabbit on my stomach, I rolled over to set it on the pale carpeting, letting it free. I watched it hop away before a low growl made me freeze, head turning at the speed of a tortoise to see what was baring its vicious teeth at me.

Not ten feet away, a brown pitbull was snarling and growling at me. If that wasn't bad enough, I knew the thing was tough. I mean, it was missing one ear and part of the other, a small scar on his neck that was partially covered by a leather spiked collar. Slowly, I sat up, holding my hands up innocently.

"Good dog…"

"Jaws, down!"

The dog made a small whine, plopping down on his bottom and turning to watch Xigbar slip into the room, nothing but a pair of sweat pants clinging to thin hips. He smirked at me, glancing to the clock. "Afternoon, Sleeping Beauty," he teased, bending over to scoop up the rabbit, cradling it in his arm as he crossed the room and went through another doorway into a kitchen, still in my sight. "I see you met Chester and Jaws."

I groaned, rubbing the back of my neck. It was bad enough that I had a hangover, woke up with a rabbit on my chest, and nearly got mauled by a pitbull, but now I was in Xigbar's house?

"Dem says you're a pretty crazy guy. When you do somethin', you go all out. Said you're a budding alcoholic."

My teeth gritted, glaring at the back of his head as he searched for something to eat, Chester still in the crook of his arm. "I am not."

"I dunno. You drank more than Luxord did, I think. That's gotta be a record."

Still glaring daggers at him, I managed to stand up, head spinning a bit and body swaying. I stayed vertical though, and that's all that was all that mattered. "I should get back to my dorm to finish studying…" Maybe I was asking for a ride in a roundabout way. Thing was, I had no idea where Xigbar's house was located in relation to my dorm. Even if I wasn't given a ride and decided to walk, the probability of finding my way home with a pounding hangover was not looking very promising. I was better off letting the one-eyed cretin lead me there.

"Have a safe walk, Red. Try not to throw up on my driveway."

So that's how it was going to be. _Fine_. Two could play the rude game.


	9. Bonus Chapter, String Theory

**Author's Note: This chapter is a flashback. Considering it's AkuSai day (8/7), I thought I'd write a little drabble to further explain Axel and Saïx's relationship. You'll get the real chapter soon enough, so don't worry.**

"Saïx, you've been reading for the past three hours. There is no way that thing's more interesting than I am," I muttered, hardly believing that I, Axel Knight, was jealous of a _book_ as I button mashed my way to victory against CPU players on Super Smash Bros.

Glancing up from his book, Saïx quirked an eyebrow, which I could see in the mirror next to the TV that was haphazardly leaning against the wall, waiting for one of us to finally hang it up. "On the contrary, I find it hard that this game could give you so much entertainment."

"It doesn't," I whined, pausing it to lean back until I properly saw the man sitting on the bed I was currently using as a back rest from my seat on the floor. "I'm bored!" It was weird, seeing him upside-down, but that scowl he wore still made me smile. He didn't mean to look angry. He just did. It was how he worked.

"Do your homework."

"I don't have any."

Saïx sighed, leaning forward to push a strand of hair out of my face. "Fine. What would you like to do?" he murmured, his hand still lingering in my hair as he leaned a bit closer, shutting his book in his lap.

"You, if I'm being honest," I teased, giving him a seductive grin and dropping my controller, turning around and leaning on the edge of the bed with my arms crossed over Saïx's lap. Seeing his eye twitch a little behind those horn-rimmed glasses of his just made me grin. Call me weird, but I always loved it when he got annoyed with me. He knew it, too, and now he had gotten to the point where I couldn't distinguish when he was honestly annoyed or just trying to please me.

"Do you ever think of anything besides sex?"

"I think of the string theory sometimes," I mused, pinching the bridge of his glasses and pulled them off so I could see his eyes better, "and how we could already be fucking in a different dimension."

The knee to the chin was something I had expected.

"You are such a pervert," he growled, snatching his glasses back and folding them up properly, placing them on top of his book on the little table we had next to the bunks. "Remind me again why I love you?" he muttered, his golden eyes narrowing at me to demand an answer.

I only snickered, rubbing my sore chin before I crawled onto his lap, draping my arms over his shoulders and playing with his long hair. It was still a bit damp from the shower he had taken almost four hours ago, thus proving my growing suspicions that he was actually a sponge that sucked the fun out of everything and had awesome water containment. "Because you need someone to spice up your life," I reminded, leaning forward to quickly peck at his taunt lips. "And I complete you."

His look softened a bit, although his eyes rolled at me. I just kept grinning as I felt his arms loosely wrap around my waist, his fingers beginning to play with the tag sticking out of the back of my sweats as he silently reminded me that he was the only one fully clothed. "Is that so?" he challenged, his lips relaxing and just barely lifting into a smile. It was the small things that let me know what Saïx was feeling. Small things I had been able to pick up on since kindergarten, as he had always been a bit stiff about showing his emotion. I had asked him why once, and he simply said because feelings were a personal, private thing. He truly believed in that, never answering my questions of "How are you feeling?" or "How are you?" with more than just a look that told me the answer if I could pick it up.

It was like we were tuned to the same wavelength. I wore my heart on my sleeve while Saïx's rested behind such armored walls that it was a miracle I had ever managed to get through, even if at times I felt like I was talking to a mannequin. He knew when I was joking, as I wasn't very serious that often, and we could both take accurate guesses at what the other was thinking. We never made offers out loud, or asked what the other wanted, because we just knew. We knew when we wanted to go eat, or even where. We knew when we wanted to study, relax, cuddle, pop in a movie, or in this case, have a little fun to tire ourselves out before bed. After all, it was nearing three in the morning and neither of us were tired. I could tell he was up for it as much as I was. The only difference was that tonight, I was going to have to work for it.

"Of course it's so," I purred, leaning in to place my lips just above his, murmuring against them. "I love you and you love me. Baby, we're soul mates. We-"

"Did you really just call me 'Baby', Axel?"

I grinned a little, knowing that pet names were something that turned him on, no matter how stupid they were. "Yes I did, Buttercup."

"Hn…" His fingers began to move, although I barely noticed as they slipped beneath my pants.

Point proven.

"Should I stop, my little blueberry?" I teased, giving his hair a gentle pull as I began to comb my fingers through it.

"You should. You're making a fool of yourself."

"I think those fingers on my ass beg to differ."

His lips curved a fraction more and I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't rested my own on top of his. I noticed the light in his eyes as amusement tainted his tone. "I assure you, Axel, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Shut it, Darling," I mumbled against his lips, allowing my eyes to slip closed as I felt him begin to knead the spot his hands were resting on, giving me a light slap to get a low moan out of my lips. Leaning forward until I could feel his ear with my lips, I gave the sensitive spot a light nibble before I whispered right into it. "Just fuck me already, Baby."

In the morning, it wasn't too surprising to find myself on the edge of the bed, Saïx spooning me as I felt his sleeping breaths on the back of my neck. I kept my eyes closed as my body awoke, barely registering the faint background music from the game I still had paused from last night. I slowly cracked my eyes open to see that the lights were still on, despite the sunlight that was turning our red curtains pink. The sheets were all mine, per usual, and I was cuddling them like some sort of teddy bear. I lifted my head to check the time and felt Saïx's grip on me automatically tighten, letting me know he wasn't as asleep as I had previously thought. I managed to look at the time before I dropped my head back to the pillow, closing my eyes once again.

"Saïx…?"

"Hn?"

"It's past two."

"It's a Sunday."

And just like that, we were back to the brink between awake and asleep. Neither one of us wanted to get up, and it wasn't like the light or the time bothered us. We could get up when we were hungry. For now, we just wanted to lay here, listening to each other's breathing and heartbeats. His grip loosened a bit after a few minutes and I rolled over, tangling our legs together and placing my forehead against his collarbone. My hands began to trace and count his ribs as I felt his fingers sliding down each vertebrate on my spine as if making sure they were all still there. Despite how hard, rough, and cold he was on the outside, he turned into such a gentle person when we were alone. While he kept his walls up for the most part, he wasn't the brash young man he tended to be to everyone else. It felt good to know that, to know that I was the only one that could get inside of him like that. I was his world, and he was mine. After all, there was no one else I loved to tease more than Saïx. Teasing was a sign of affection between the two of us, no matter how harsh it got. There were lines and we knew where they were, and we never dared to cross them.

I had grown up with the belief that one day, I would meet "the one". The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, raise obnoxious kids with, and lose my breath over whenever they walked in the room. It was obvious to me, in times like this, when we just laid together after such a long night that I realized that Saïx was "the one". There was no one else I cared this much about. I loved him to the point that it was painful, knowing that I couldn't even tell anyone about our relationship, other than Roxas. Everyone else believed the both of us were straight, and we were going to strive to keep it that way. It was easier for us, to avoid being cut off by our parents or shunned and teased by our friends. Keeping it a secret just… made things better.

"I love you," I murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the middle of his chest. I just had to say it, all of the emotions nearly spilling out of me. It was insane, how amazing being held by Saïx felt. It was like I was safe from anything, even the common cold. Even if I didn't get anything in response for several minutes, I never got anxious. I knew he felt the same, even if he had reservations about expression his emotion.

"We need to shower."

I smiled, accepting that as an "I love you too". I knew we needed showers, however, and now that it had been reminded, I could feel the dried mess that stuck to us and the sheets. I sighed and reluctantly moved, sitting up and swinging my legs over the edge of the bed that was too narrow to house both of us comfortably for too long. I stood after my head stopped spinning, stretching and feeling the soreness that usually followed a night like that. Glancing at the mirror, I couldn't suppress the smirk at the new hickey on my collarbone. Turning to point to it as Saïx lazily stood up, I gave him a grin.

"I need to get more V-necks to show this off, y'know."

He rolled his eyes at me, catching me by the back of the neck to pull me in for a bruising kiss that certainly caught me off-guard. Staring and panting when he finished, I saw his lips twitch briefly into an amused smirk before he turned for the bathroom. "Are you going to shower, or stand there and look at your reflection all day?"

I laughed breathlessly, shaking my head and following him. "Congratulations. I think you really surprised me just then."

"Oh?"

I nodded, smirking a little as we slipped into the bathroom, placing a hand on his chest to push him against the wall next to the sink. "Are you trying to tell me you're up for round two so soon?"

To my surprise, he simply mirrored my smirk. "Remember your string theory?"

I just gave him a blank look.

"This is a different dimension," he explained, his voice lowering to get me to lean in. "One in which I may let you top for once."

"B-but- Wha-? You- You always- I- _What_?" My blank stare turned into one of shock and his fingers gripped my chin, pulling me closer to speak against my lips.

"I told you the string theory was rubbish."

Before I could properly process what had happened, he merely pushed me into the shower, proceeding to pin me against the tiled wall and start to ravage my mouth there. It wasn't until I was clinging to the slick wall and praying for my knees to not give out as I felt him inside of me once again that he had basically told me I was never going to get inside of him. Not in this dimension, and not even another. He liked me being a bottom better anyway, since I was so loud and just felt so damn _good_. But did he really have to deny me like that?

Little bastard.

I loved him so much.


	10. Summer House

After leaving Xigbar's house and never daring to look back after I had quite politely thrown up all over his driveway, I realized that I didn't know where I was or where to go. I didn't want to go back to my dorm, knowing that would only bring me down. I didn't want to go see Demyx either, not knowing where he was or with Xigbar so fresh on my mind. So I just wandered, really. I eventually got my bearings, finding that I wasn't too far from the frat houses. I tended to stay away from those though, knowing that pressured kids staying up late to study could be very irksome. Or drunk. Often both, on top of horny and stressed. Finals were a killer amongst college students. The thought of finals in my mind, I groaned and headed for the library. I had to do one thing right, even if my migraine wanted me to curl up in my bed for the day. I wasn't going to ruin the last week of my college career.

The library was packed, as it was no surprise. It was fairly quiet, other than the sounds of pages turning, pens scribbling, and post-adolescent brains trying to figure out the secret code known as trigonometry. It was almost like walking into a funeral parlor. There were even some people crying, mourning the future death of their term grades. I looked for a familiar face, wondering if Demyx was around, but I didn't see him. So, flopping at a computer and booting it up, I began to give myself a neck massage, trying to nurse my headache. I was a bit surprised at how well I was dealing with my hangover, other than the headache, throwing up on Xigbar's driveway, and the odd feeling that I was missing my fire demon spirit.

So all was good.

I just stared blankly at the computer, still rubbing my neck as I tried to get my spinning brain to focus. It took me a while to finally get back into gear, getting a few texts from Demyx checking to check on me and tell me he was focusing on studying and we could hang out after finals. But honestly, after last night, I started to wonder if I ever wanted to do that again. The answer was yes. So many times. It had been way too long since I had that much fun, although I could do without the hangover and waking up in my mortal enemy's house. Maybe there would be post-finals parties. Oh no. There would _definitely_ be post-finals parties. High-strung college kids set free led to wild party after wild party. And after over a year of being a social hermit, I wanted to break out. I wanted to be that batshit crazy kid everyone wanted to party with.

That kid that Saïx had worked to keep me away from.

It was then that I finally made a connection as to why I had been snapping in the "bad kid" direction. Saïx was gone. I had no one around to keep me out of trouble, to keep me focused. There was no motivation to study, no motivation to really do _anything_. There wouldn't be a blue haired nerd holding out a reward of sex and cuddling for my slaving away. And, as I realized that while staring blankly at the generic green and white wallpaper on the desktop, I pulled myself out of the chair and headed back for my dorm.

Three hours later, I had everything packed up into boxes I had gotten from the student help desk, all two of them stacked by my door. I took a seat on the bare mattress of my bed and sighed, wondering if I could just skip out now. Call my mom and come home. Then I could-

And then my stomach sank to the depths of my feet. My parents didn't know I had lost my scholarships. If they found out, I was as good as dead. I was a bloody steak floating in shark infested waters, crimson tainting the salty brine as the predators decided how to break me into as many pieces as they possibly could. I was not looking forward to the time sawed teeth would be tearing flesh from bone. I would have to stay on my flotsam for now and just hope I wouldn't be spotted.

For the next few weeks of finals that I reluctantly took, I slept on a bare mattress and spent as little time in my dorm room as possible. I didn't stay in contact with many people, as finals tended to have that effect. As soon as they were over, however, I got a call from Demyx with a reminder than made my heart shrivel up and hide in a cavity of my cranium.

"If you wanna get a good room at the summer house, you should bring your stuff now. I'll be over with my truck if you need to me to haul anything for you. Xigbar's saving a room for you, too, so hopefully you won't get stuck with roommates."

Frowning, I unlocked my dorm room and stepped around the boxes. "How many people spend the summer there?"

"A hundred, on a good year."

I tripped over my own feet, flopping down on the bed and staring at the upper bunk. "You're shitting me."

"Nope. You've been at Xiggy's house. You know how big it is!"

"Uh, not really. I kept to the living room and I never looked back. Never saw the place, really."

"Oh, well it's kinda like an apartment style. Really big. Xiggy's got a lot of money."

"So that must be why you're dating that old coot, huh?"

I didn't realize I had said it out loud until I heard Demyx's voice, which made me picture him giving me a puppy dog look and I cringed away from the phone. I hoped he didn't read into my statement too much, because God forbid he find out an emotionally discombobulated "friend" had a ridiculous crush on his seductive soul.

"What d'you mean by that…?"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" I said quickly, laughing it off and quickly hopping to a safer topic. "I only got a couple boxes, so it really isn't much. When're you gonna get here?"

"Oh, uh, I can leave right now, actually. You ready?"

"Yeah, I'm all packed. I'll wait for you by the parking lot."

After exchanging our pleasantries, the call ended and I began hauling my two boxes down to the parking lot, deciding to wait by the mailbox. I watched as people began planning parties on the spot to get over the hump of finals, I overheard a few people discussing about Xigbar's summer house. That made my mood a bit lighter and easier to bear, knowing I wouldn't be so much of a third wheel. I was still a bit nervous, however, realizing that I'd be living in a house with over a hundred other people, of which I probably only knew a handful of. Believe it or not, I wasn't exactly the best at making friends. That talent had done nothing but decay as I went on. I hoped I would get a room by myself, just so I wouldn't have to go through the entire antisocial panic attack. I was used to having a room to myself, since the accident. I felt like I was walking a minefield, not knowing what was going to happen. I'd never done this sort of thing, but hey, that's what college was for, right?

Demyx showed up about ten minutes later and we managed to fit my boxes in the tiny cab of the truck with us, taking off in silence for Xigbar's. It was a bit of an awkward silence that hung between us, the music on the radio not bringing any relief. Demyx had to feel my nervousness, which was only growing like a monster in my belly, ripping me apart from the inside out. This was a bad, bad, bad idea. I should be on a plane for New York. I should not be moving in with the man who had assigned himself to the title of "mortal enemy". Because love is war, isn't it? I was going to raise a white flag at this point. But don't they say, keep your enemies close? Maybe getting in there would give me an opportunity to dissect Xigbar and Demyx's relationship with a sharp scalpel, ribbing a bloody cut between them that's destined to never come back together again. At those thoughts, the monster subsided to a pleased growling, climbing its way back into my brain to plant seeds of devious plans to get Demyx to be mine. I felt like a witch from a Disney movie, spinning ideas in my head as my fingers idly drummed against the box in my lap to the Aerosmith song filtering through static on the radio. So, so evil. But I wasn't going to win this war by fighting clean. I had to get dirty.

Turns out, Xigbar wasn't holding me a room at all. As soon as Demyx and I came through the front door, me trying to keep my eyes from staring at the size of the place that I must have missed during my hangover, the thin blonde was caught by a belt loop and was soon sucking face full-force. I didn't know why, but I was staring at the display. Demyx was shorter than Xigbar by nearly a foot, but he stood on his tiptoes and Xigbar bent down as their bodies somehow molded together perfectly, Demyx's hand reaching for Xigbar's ponytail as the old man's hands slipped past the blonde's pants and did something that made Demyx melt and moan. I was staring in both disgust and arousal, loving the sight of Demyx melting so easily as thins fingers worked under skin-tight jeans and bodies pressed desperately close, the older slowly leading them back towards a hallway. The way Demyx's body arched, squirmed, and swayed was hypnotizing, and I was staring at his ass longer than I should have, as I received a quick slap upside the back of my head to finally pull me out of it.

"If that gets you turned on, you're gonna do a helluva lot of masturbating around here."

Realizing the strain in my pants, I lowered my small boxes to cover it up, turning to see a rather interesting character behind me. Silver hair to his shoulders, aquamarine eyes, angular face with lips curled into a sneer, a Monroe piercing to match the stud on each ear and the ball on his tongue, and clothing that could easily allow me to sort him into a scene punk clique.

"Riku Kyo," I grinned, returning the sneer. "What the fuck're you doing here?"

"Looking for you, ya faggot," he teased, grabbing the sleeve of my Rob Zombie shirt to start dragging me towards a staircase. "I knew Dem was bringin' ya and I think the entire campus population knows you boned him at that party before spring break."

I stared at his back as we went up the stairs, following him like a stray puppy that had just been kicked in his very sensitive nether regions. "What're you talking about?"

"Granted everyone was stoned, drunk, or both, but Larxene hasn't shut her trap about it. Xigbar's got a fuckin' vendetta against you, dude. So 'fore he stops thinkin' about gettin' his cock up Bubble Brain's ass, let's get you moved in. You can stay with me."

I scowled, following him as we took a turn and went up another flight of stairs. "You're joking. He hasn't tried to kill me yet."

"Yet," he repeated for emphasis, taking a turn into a hallway once we reached the end of the stairs. It looked like your average dorm, but much… nicer. Plush carpet, white walls, and the occasional framed motif to set a tranquil mood.

Riku Kyo was an interesting species in himself, and I had found myself hanging out with him often, in my early college career. He was the boyfriend of Sora, the basketball team's mascot, and came to pretty much every game. He was also our unofficial water boy, who would give you a cup of water if you wanted it or not. He tended to be a quiet guy before you got to know him. After that, he wouldn't shut up. Sora's chattiness had apparently transferred to the twenty-one year old vessel of angst and self-hatred. The first thing I had noticed about him, before he had bleached his hair to such a wild shade of silver, was that he always wore long sleeves. Even with shorts in the middle of summer. Even to the beach. Now, he wore wrist cuffs with band names or spikes on leather. I had never seen him with his wrists uncovered, but it was obvious enough to assume what he was hiding correctly. After all, from what I had overheard in the locker rooms, the guy had a rough life. His parents were lost as sea when he was younger, so he grew up in foster homes. He was adopted when he was fifteen by an abusive family, no less. He ran away and, after years, found himself with a government scholarship for college and a friend named Sora to take him there.

I was so lost in trying to figure this kid out that I barely noticed him unlocking a door. I paused beside him and watched in mild amusement as he cursed loudly at the bent key, biting it between his molars to straighten it out before successfully unlocking what would soon be affectionately known as my coffin.

The room was actually nicer than I had expected. The door opened to a nice little living room, home to a futon, an easy chair, and a kitchenette that had three different brands of cereal laid out on the counter. There were three doors leading off, two of which were open to bedrooms and the third of which that had posters of post-hardcore bands and warnings to stay out. Smirking a bit, I playfully kicked at him. That was his room, he confirmed with a roll of the eyes. Pointing to a door that was wide open, leading to a rather messy room, he made an introduction to the absent patron.

"That's Xion's room. She's out right now with Sora for some shopping." His flat tone ever present, he made his way to the third room, which was perfectly clean. There was a queen sized bed already made with fresh linens, a desk with a pastel office chair, a wardrobe, and a door to my own private bathroom which, upon closer inspection, I would be sharing with a girl. After all, no guy had that much makeup stacked next to a sink. "This room's yours. You'll share a bathroom with Xion, but she's not too bad. Sora and I share a room and a bathroom on our own."

I nodded and placed the boxes down on the bed, looking out the window beside the desk. It gave way to nothing but a sight of the roof. "Nice view," I snickered, still partially hiding behind the boxes to hide my erection.

He shrugged, slipping his hands into the pockets of his Tripp pants. "You don't spend much time up here. There's a lake a couple blocks away, a pool out back, volleyball and basketball courts, a gym, and a home theater. I've also heard rumors that Xigbar recently bought the land behind his house for a shooting range."

I whistled lowly, raising an eyebrow. "That guy's fucking loaded, isn't he?"

"In more ways than one," he muttered, glancing at me and cocking an eyebrow of his own. "You wanna take care of that?"

Blushing I glanced down at the tent in my pants. "Nah. It'll go away."

He rolled his eyes, but didn't pay me much mind. He left my room, closing the door as he went and I heard him go into his own and starting up music that sounded more like screaming rape victims. Well, it could be worse, I supposed. I could be sharing a room with Demyx and Xigbar. I'd take Riku, Sora, and the mystery girl any day.

I began to unpack, but that didn't take me long. Luckily, however, I was able to get rid of my erection by the tedious work of putting my clothes away and tacking up posters on the walls with tape. I wasn't a fan of how pale everything was, but I wasn't about to complain. I could deal with plush carpet, white walls, and a light green comforter that reminded me of mint. After all, I wasn't paying for this. It seemed a bit more than generous. I opted for a nap once Riku's music stopped and I was left alone in the room. I heard him call out that he left a key for me beside the sink, to which I replied with a sleepy yawn as I cuddled down into a bed that felt like a cloud. In a matter of minutes, I was sound asleep.

This couldn't be that bad, right?


	11. Cheater Cheater

**Considering the possibility AkuDemy chapter: **Don't expect one, essentially. I mean, this whole story is about the two of them. So, yeah. I just felt like the AkuSai thing was fun. I might make a special chapter, but don't expect one. College has started, so I'm a bit more busy, unfortunately. But I hope you stick around!

* * *

Riku's note was a bit hard to read, given that decoding his short note was much like trying to read an elderly doctor's chicken scratch. I eventually figured out that he and Sora were meeting up and hanging out for the night and Xion would be back around ten. Given that it was nine thirty already and I didn't feel like waiting around for the mystery girl to show up, I decided to grab my copy of the room key and a rather abstractly drawn map, labeled in more of Riku's slanted cursive, and decided to go explore.

I stayed away from the first floor as best as I could, knowing that had the highest possibility of containing Xigbar. From the map, I discovered that the building was just a giant square with a nice beach volleyball court in the middle, along with picnic tables and a few grills. There were three stories in all, the first floor being the house that Xigbar lived in. Second and third floors were home to a majority of the rooms, although there were a few scattered on the first floor. There was also a basement, but Riku has only drawn a big square for that one. So, naturally, I headed that way.

I tried to look like I knew what I was doing with my nose in a map, but a peacock can't exactly pretend to be a chicken, can it? Lucky for me, there weren't too many people around. Although, I did walk past someone screaming about how someone stole his drum sticks to someone who was merely unresponsive for the matter. I almost got run over on the first floor, the rather beat-up dog that belonged to Xigbar chasing some poor guy on a skateboard that looked like he was having the time of his life. However, going down the stairs and into the basement, I found myself in quite a different world.

There are certain points in your life when you feel more grown up. When it finally sinks in that you're not home, you're not a kid, you're not just some student. Those moments when everything hits you in the face and you suffer from culture shock, the breath being knocked from your lungs as a million pound brick is crashed into your gut. Graduating high school, the first day of college classes, the first time you get shitfaced, having sex for the first time. It's sort of amusing, but as I walked down those stairs that seemed to be endless, I felt like I was progressing to a new chapter. Something rougher than what I had already been through. Something new.

I felt like I just walked into some sort of underground club. It was dark, but colored lights were flashing and the bass from giant box speakers were making my bones shatter. There weren't that many people, but bodies were grinding together to a rather pulsating dubstep song that I had the pleasure of never hearing before. Clearly out of my element, I just stared around and gravitated towards a table with fruit punch and munchies to watch the dancing. It shocked me that I hadn't heard this ruckus up the stairs, but I figured it had to do something with how _long_ those stairs were. Standing aside and doing my best to blend in as I nibbled at my potato chips and noticed the clothing. It was scant, ripped, torn, black, and highlighted with neon paint that had also splattered over skin, black lights lining the ceiling. I was in a rave. That was all I could think of, through the smoke of marijuana.

"Axel?"

My name was screamed in my ear and I jumped in surprise, looking over to see a rather sweaty Demyx standing there. There were stripes across his face in glowing blue paint that looked like someone had dragged four fingers over him, a glow stick snapped around his neck, and his mullet in a straight-up mohawk, actually _smelling_ of hairgel. His shirt was absent, more blue paint splattered onto his chest with a handprint over his heart. He wore plain black Tripp pants, the chains clinking under the loud music. More paint was splattered there, as well as his bare feet. He smelled of marijuana, underlying the hair gel and sweat. He looked like he was having the time of his life.

"What the hell is this?" I shouted back, ducking my head so I could yell it in his ear.

"A rave! To celebrate week two!"

I gave him a look. "Week two? Week two of what?"

"Week two of move-in! C'mon! Come dance with me!"

I just blinked. So that was why there were so many people here. It was week two of people coming here. No wonder I didn't get a room…

Any other angry thoughts were pulled away as I felt his sweaty palm grab my wrist and drag me towards the relatively small group. The song had changed, thankfully to something other than dubstep. Something I could try to dance to. Try being the key word, of course. I had no rhythm to dance like these people were. All I could do was fist pump. Of course, I was underestimating Demyx's skill.

He stood in front of me and let go of my wrist, the two of us standing in the middle of the group. He pressed his back close to the man behind him, who I had recognized from passing in a hall earlier in the day. He was busy dancing rather obscenely with a big-breasted woman in front of him, the both of them practically fucking on the dance floor. His body reacted when Demyx touched him, however, bare backs rolling against each other and hips gyrating to create friction. I focused on Demyx, eyes getting a bit wide as I noticed what he was doing.

Hands ran down his skin, smearing some of the paint before raising two fingers to the sky. His body rolled and swayed, his muscled stomach looking like a wave as he practically belly danced in front of me, grinding back against the redhead behind him and grinning at me. I didn't move, simply astounded by how he was moving, but I felt his hands on my hips as he tried to get me to match his movements. When he discovered how stiff I was, he barked out a laugh that drowned in the chorus, stepping forward and suddenly pressing tight against me. Breath catching in my throat, I searched his blue eyes for any sort of explanation, but the sudden drumming of my heart was making my head spin. And before I knew it, he was grinding against me like some sort of porn star. A _really_ talented porn star, at that.

Maybe the smoke had gotten to me, or maybe Nicki Minaj's whiney little voice was brain washing me. Maybe Demyx was pressing all the right buttons. Maybe that knowing smirk the redhead behind Demyx gave me what I needed. All I knew was that I was dancing, my body doing things I didn't even know it was capable of. At first, it was awkward grinding, but I had lost my shirt due to the building heat and allowed Demyx to slap neon pink paint onto my chest and over my concave stomach. He was grinding on me and I was grinding back and, for one demented second, I thought it could just be the two of us. I didn't know how many songs had passed, but I was drenched in sweat and my hair was sticking to the back of my neck and my forehead. It seemed to be only us, and I hadn't even noticed that we had been moving. Not just closer together, but farther from the group. Soon, we were right beside one of the speakers. By that point, I knew the smoke was getting to me and the bass of the dubstep playing was rattling the heat that was boiling in my stomach, causing it to spill out and words to shoot out of my mouth with no regard for a filter. And before I knew it, I had Demyx pressed against the flat fabric of the speaker and I was kissing him.

It was sloppy, I'll admit, and both of us were panting so heavy that we could hardly keep our lips together for more than a couple seconds. I pressed my hips into his abdomen, knee slipping forward to separate his legs. I didn't give a damn that he was obviously high, or that I was breathing in the smoke, but my brain wasn't doing my thinking for me. My other head was. I didn't even give a damn as I started to kiss down his neck, nibbling and sucking. The slamming of the speakers gave me a rhythm, my body still moving as he squirmed below me. It was so loud, I didn't hear a third member's protests or the name he was calling.

It wasn't until I was yanked back so hard by my hair that I fell to the cement floor that I noticed exactly what I was doing and snapped back to reality. The redhead stood over me, his eyes wide. Unlike most men here, he wore a shirt, although it was only a white wife beater with a pair of skin-tight jeans. He shouted something to me, which I didn't hear, but I could read his lips.

Xigbar.

Fear jolted through me as the stranger pulled me to my feet and started dragging me for a back door, the both of us stumbling into pitch blackness. All I could see were the glow sticks hooked onto his belt loops. His grip on my forearm was nearly bruising in strength, not daring to let me go. The door was practically kicked open and he threw me inside, slamming and locking the door behind us and flipping on florescent lights. No sooner than I recognized we were in a music equipment room, I got a stinging slap on my face.

"What the fuck, yo? You got a fucking death wish?" he hissed, his breath hot in my face and smelling of spiked punch.

I blinked, idly rubbing my red cheek and staring at him. His chest was heaving, pale skin covered in sweat as he gave me an incredulous look. My mouth opened and shut, but I couldn't make any intelligent sounds leave it. There was still a pulsing problem between my legs and my head was struggling with the effort of stopping its rapid spinning, all while my heart slammed adrenaline into my veins out of fear. Xigbar. He was here. He could have seen that. I had a target on my head already, but it had just gotten a lot bigger. This guy, whatever his name was, had thankfully pulled me away.

"You can't do that! D'you even know who that is? That's Xigbar's little fuck toy! You can't touch him, yo, unless you want your dick cut off and shoved up your own ass!"

I groaned and gripped my damp hair, still trying to catch my breath. "We were dancing!"

"Bullshit! You looked ready to fuck him!"

"I-"

"Just shut the fuck up," he growled at me, holding a warning finger in my face as he fished out his phone with his free hand. He hit something on speed dial and held it to his ear, waiting impatiently for whoever it was to pick up. I tried to ask who he was calling, but his hand slapped over my mouth.

"Yo, Rude? Where are you?" Aquamarine eyes dropped to the floor as he listened, his hand getting away from my mouth so I could breathe. "Thank fuck, yo. I-"

Before I even heard the rest of his conversation, I slipped away, opening the door and nearly slamming into Demyx. He seemed confused, flustered, and a little more than worried. I opened my mouth to speak, but the door had shut behind me and I was suddenly pinned against it, Demyx's lips crushing against mine as his hands desperately grabbed at my sweat-soaked locks. My eyes widened at first in the shock, but eventually eased closed as a moan growled in my throat. Because his hands were touching me, his whole body was grinding up against me, and his tongue was desperately lapping the inside of my mouth. I felt the door attempt to open, but Demyx only pushed me against it harder to keep it shut.

The kiss finally broke, both of us panting as our eyes slowly opened. The music wasn't as loud back here, giving him an opportunity as the music lulled to a softer note, my breath hitching once again as Demyx leaned forward to put his swollen lips to my ear to whisper into it, "Xigbar's out for the night. I want you to fuck me again. Like that night. Hard, messy, and rough. I want you."

For a moment there, I had forgotten how to breathe. There was no way in hell that Demyx had just said that. Although, there his hands were, hooking into the belt loops of my cargo shorts as he rolled his hips against mine, standing so close that not a single cell in my body didn't feel him. He pulled his face back and grinned at me, giving me a look that told me he was absolutely honest. I didn't care he was high anymore. All I cared about was that Xigbar wasn't here and Demyx wanted me. _Me_.

Before I knew it, he was grabbing my wrist and pulling me to another door. This room was a bit bigger, and I realized it was the men's bathroom. I opened my mouth to argue, but he let go of me and stood on top of a urinal. He started pulling a ceiling tile out of the way, looking over at me as he pulled himself up, offering only one explanation.

"I can't let anyone see us together."

I followed him through the dark, his glow stick necklace being all that led me. I felt like James Bond as we snuck through air vents, following him down through an opening into the room he shared with Xigbar. My head was still heavy and I didn't even take a look around before I shoved him down to the bed and locked our lips together as soon as the door was shut and locked. Clothes were tossed aside and, before I knew it, the air was thick with heat and our voices tangled together in moans and cries of pleasure. I had to leave him when it was over, body paint smeared and covering the both of us. I made it back to the room after getting lost a few times in my loopy post-sex mindset, but luckily the door was unlocked and I could go right in.

Sora and Riku were on one of the arm chairs, Sora perched in his boyfriend's lap as they watched Tangled together, Sora dozing off. Riku glanced up and raised an eyebrow at my appearance, but he stayed quiet as I held up a hand. I noticed Xion's door was closed, a Do Not Disturb sign hung on her doorknob. I didn't even care as I shuffled to my room, kicked my door shut, and slipped into the bathroom that stretched between mine and Xion's room. That door was closed too, but it wasn't like it mattered. I just needed a shower. As I stripped down, although, I didn't even look in the mirror. I didn't want to see those tattoos on my hips. I didn't want to see those signs of reminders.

Now that my mind had finally cleared, I was a little more than pissed at myself. As I washed off any evidence of the night, careful of the hickies I found on my collarbone and my stomach, I couldn't help but feel like all I had done was get myself into deeper shit. While I had been careful not to leave any marks on Xigbar's "fuck toy", that only made it more painful. Demyx wasn't mine. He wanted me, sure, but only because he had confessed Xigbar wouldn't fuck him like I did. Now I was helping him cheat. I didn't want to be some sort of home wrecker, but I figured I didn't have much of a choice. If I wanted to get him for me, I needed to do it myself. I had to wait.

Like hell I would wait.

I finished my shower when the water ran cold and crawled into bed without even bothering with pajamas. I didn't get to sleep as soon as I would have liked, of course, as I heard my phone buzz. Groaning and grabbing it off of my bedside table, I read the new text with tired eyes. It should have worried me that it was already three in the morning, but the context of the text and the fact that it was from an unknown number made my skin crawl.

"_Stay the fuck away from him, or you're going to get eaten alive. Meet me at the commons room at noon tomorrow. I have someone who wants to have a talk with you."_

I scowled and just threw my phone onto the other side of the bed. Of course, it buzzed again. This time, it was from a number I knew. It was from Demyx. It took me longer than it should have for me to open it, but I took a breath and read the single word.

"_Sorry."_


	12. Shaking Foundation

**Guess what? Demyx's POV. Thought I would mix it up a bit.**

* * *

When Axel left, I immediately headed for the shower. I knew it wouldn't be long before Xigbar got back, watching as the clock neared two in the morning. I showered to get rid of the smeared body paint, the sweat, and the sticky substance Axel had left behind. I made it quick, hurrying to erase all evidence that Axel had even stepped foot in the room I shared with Xigbar. I fixed the panel in the ceiling where we had climbed in, quickly changed the sheets, unlocked the door, shut off the lights, and got into my pajamas before I dived into bed a little before three.

Unsurprisingly, Xigbar came through the door no sooner than my head hit the pillow.

I pulled the childish act of pretending to be asleep, texting on my phone as Xigbar quietly moved to the adjoined bathroom. First, I sent one to Reno. I knew there were few people that wouldn't tattle, and considering Reno had seen what was going on, I assumed he was my best bet. I told him what happened and that I wanted to talk to Axel in the morning, sending it with Axel's number intact and pondering for a moment before I realized how childish that was. I sent another to Axel to apologize before the light from the bathroom bathed the bedroom, causing me to shove my phone under my pillow and go back to pretending I was asleep. I was, however, watching Xigbar through my lashes.

He was going through his usual before-bed routine, brushing his teeth and pulling his long tendrils of hair from his near-constant hair tie. I watched as he gargled mouthwash, something he had a bit of a routine of doing, as he removed his eye patch. The eye underneath was still there, although its appearance still had the ability to make my skin crawl. It was glossy white, blind from the injury it had sustained. I continued to watch as he spat out the mouth wash and washed his face, the man yawning as he left the light on and came back into the bedroom to strip. I kept my eyes on him, noticing the scars that raked all over his body. He never told me how he had gotten them, although he did tell me what had happened to his eye. I was dying of curiosity about the horrendous marks, but he claimed they were too painful to think about and the discussion would end there. Telling me that his eye was a childhood stunt gone wrong seemed to be easier. He changed into his sweatpants and shut off the light, climbing into bed next to me. I shut my eyes tighter as he laid in front of me, getting close to press a kiss to my lips.

"G'night, Demyx."

I returned the kiss, more of a subconscious reaction than anything. Doing so was nothing short of throwing a piece of bloody meat to a shark.

"You're awake," he purred, kissing me again, although a bit more provocative now. I felt his hands on my sides, pushing me to try and roll us over. I knew exactly what he wanted, and I knew he would take it unless I could figure out a way to stop him. We had sex almost daily, as Xigbar always preferred to get off before bed. As his hips pressed against my thighs, I could feel the growing erection under his sweatpants. I couldn't hold back the airy moan that escaped as he took my lower lip between his lips, finally succeeding in rolling us over so he was above me. His hands went to pull down my pajama pants, but I reacted quick. I grabbed his wrists and pulled from the kiss. I knew that if we had gone ay further, he would have noticed. He would have noticed I hadn't been sleeping so innocently.

A confused look crossed his scarred features, mouth pulling into a frown. He tried to kiss me again, but I turned my head away to deny him access. I watched as his confusion turned into repressed anger, both of his eyes staring at me. I clenched my jaw, staring right back at him. I was expecting him to roll over, give up, or maybe even go to the bathroom to take care of the ache between his legs. But Xigbar was not some dog that knew when to back off. He was used to me giving him what he wanted. He wasn't used to me refusing to have sex with him. My heart began to pound, trying to break out of my chest as his eyes narrowed at me. Suddenly, I got the sick feeling that he knew exactly why I was refusing. He knew why I was still fresh from the shower, why the sheets were different, and why I was suddenly shaking like a leaf. He knew exactly what had happened.

He abruptly got up, not heading for the bathroom like I would have hoped. He grabbed his shirt off the floor and pulled it on, not even bothering to grab his eye patch before he left, the door slamming and shaking my guilty bones as my eyesight began to blur with tears. I rolled over and buried my face into his pillow, a sob working its way out of me as I heard Xigbar punch the wall just outside the door.

What was _wrong_ with me?

When I woke up in the morning, eyelids cracking open from dried salt tears to discover light filtering through the window, lighting up the completely empty room. Xigbar hadn't come back last night. Although, I noticed his eye patch was no longer on the side of the nightstand and his pajama bottoms were discarded. He had been here. He just hadn't stayed. His pillow was too cold.

I didn't want to get out of bed. The cocktail of smoke and liquor from last night, combined with pounding dubstep, was giving me a headache. I only curled up tighter in my blankets, a dull thought returning. I had to go meet up with Reno to confront Axel… Having Reno there was a comfort, but I still felt butterflies rise in my stomach and threaten to eat me inside-out. That only made me curl in on myself more, my brain scrambling to explain that feeling.

With Xigbar, I was happy. His sex drive was huge and I was always there to sate him, but the more I thought about it… I sighed heavily, trying to expel my thoughts with it. I loved Xigbar. I knew I did. Axel was just… something new. I was just dipping my toes into forsaken waters while keeping myself dutifully close to my familiar, scarred shore. Xigbar and I had even talked about marriage. I wasn't going to leave him for Axel. That thought was just absurd. However, I did enjoy messing around with Axel… Although I had never done it completely sober yet. Maybe that was it then. Maybe I only thirsted for him when I was too drunk and too high to even think straight. Xigbar knew how crazy I could get, so maybe he had a point on leaving. He was probably trying to teach me a lesson, telling me that if I didn't clean up my act, he'd be gone.

It took nearly an hour for me to work up the willpower to get out of bed. I had told Reno to meet up in the common room a bit before noon to give us time to talk before Axel showed. I took about an hour getting ready, which I wasn't really conscious of at the time, but I wanted to look good. Freezing in front of the mirror in my tight clothes, perfect hair, and even light eyeliner, I realize that I was trying to look this good for _Axel_. Why? Why did his opinion matter? Xigbar was the only one I was supposed to look good for. When had I started dressing like a little whore anyway?

Groaning, I changed into looser pants and a t-shirt that actually fit me without clinging to me like a second skin. Given that it was Xigbar's shirt, I figured it was a pretty good warning to Axel to remind him of where my loyalty lay. I knew I was being a player, using Axel just to get sex in ways Xigbar had never had with me. Xigbar tended to be straight to the point, not spending long on foreplay. Axel, however, managed to have me moaning and squirming before I was even undressed. The way he always asked how it felt, if he was hurting me… It was caring, almost loving. Even when he was drunk. Sure, I'd only had sex with him twice… Maybe that meant I should do it-

No!

Rubbing my face viciously as I finally got to the common room, I was trying to stop my brain from comparing the two. Xigbar's urgent, almost rough hands compared to Axel's careful touch, those thin and large hands pressing in all the right spots and making sure I was completely agreeing to what was going on, making sure he was satisfying me as much as himself, making sure I finished the second he did, the way his vibrant green eyes would graze up and down my body as if he was worshipping it, his back bending to serve me and satisfy, and the way he sounded when he moaned…

"Yo, Dem!" a loud voice called, followed by tight hands gripping my shoulders. "Dude, what the fuck are you doin'? Xigbar's gonna find out and Axel's gonna be fuckin' chop liver, yo!"

I gently detached Reno from my shoulders, taking a breath and looking at the ground as I completely tuned out the rest of his lecture. Reno was a good guy, and we had actually dated once upon a time, but he was also the only voice of reason I really had. He did some pretty stupid shit, like setting of fireworks in the kitchen on the Fourth of July, but when it came to relationships, he was the best advice guy I knew. He was currently in a relationship with the ever-buxom Tifa Lockhart, who was a sweetheart in her own right. He had managed to sweet talk her into a relationship while in a competition with someone else, whose name escaped me. Sky, maybe? I didn't remember.

I sighed heavily and looked back up, silently pleading. I didn't have to tell him what the look on my face meant. I could practically hear his brain clicking with the information.

"You are not…"

I shrugged, shifting my weight awkwardly and realizing I had forgotten to put shoes on. Oh well. "I dunno, Reno… He's just so much different than Xigbar… in a good way…"

"Ya mean the sex is better," he quickly reminded me, holding up a finger. "The sex is better. That don't mean everythin's better, yo. Ya got Xigbar. Yer in a serious relationship and ya can't let some guy who gives ya a good lay take ya from that." His tone was darkly serious, something I never got from Reno much, even if his accent tended to butcher his sincere words.

I opened my mouth to respond, but all that came out was a squeak as a second shade of red entered my vision. My stomach lurched violently as Axel entered, Reno looking over curiously as I felt my whole body tremble with those violent butterflies. My head swam in the ocean of confusion Axel brought with him, the sleepy redhead regarding the scene before him with nothing short of surprise. I opened my mouth again to say hi, but another squeak worked its way out. Reno gave me a look that said to smartly shut my mouth and not open it until the bane of my existence left the room.

"Here I was expecting an ass kicking," Axel sighed, his words woven together with some degree of sorrow that made my heart ache. He shrugged lazily and slid his hands in his back pockets, focusing on Reno instead of me. "I'd prefer that, if you don't mind. Knock my lights out and convince me I'm wishful dreaming. Tie me to a post and give Xigbar a nailed bat. I wasn't prepared for talking. I forgot my brain in bed."

His voice had sent me reeling. He was obviously exhausted, his tone being a deeper and rougher than usual. My hands gripped strongly over my quivering stomach, trying to keep my guts inside. I looked to Reno for instruction, only to find that he was pointedly staring at me. I tried to get my words back, only succeeding in a weak, "I'm sorry."

To my dismay, Reno took that moment as his leave. I looked uncertainly to Axel, who apparently hadn't heard my apology. After all, we were standing on opposite ends of a rather large room. I took a breath and raised my voice, knowing that neither of us were going to take a step forward.

"I'm sorry."

It was as if a gunshot had just gone off. I watched as Axel stiffened, his Adam's apple bobbing warily and flashing me the hickey I had given him. My eyes couldn't tear away as I saw him scrambling to find a response. He seemed to be wrestling with something, maybe anger, and I began to nervously work my fingers. My entire frame was trembling by now, my sight getting blurred from unshed tears. I didn't know why I was crying, shaking, why my legs felt like Jell-o, why the room had just raised the temperature. Why was Axel not saying anything? Why wasn't he moving? What was going on?

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, he spoke.

"No you're not."

I nearly fell over right there. My knees knocked and my whole being began to crumble. "Yes I am," I pleaded, my tone becoming one of obnoxious whining. I wanted to shut up. I needed to. But my mouth just kept moving, my mind still reeling from his sharp accusation. My voice broke on occasion as tears began to race down my face, but I kept pleading. "I am! I'm so, so, _so _sorry, Axel! I shouldn't use you like that and I'm sorry! I dunno why I did it! I just wanted something different from Xigbar! I wanted something different! And you- you're different! I'm being a player, I know, and I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for this to happen! I'm sorry! I-"

"Shut up." Axel's snarl made me shut up right there, a small whimper leaving me as I stood there like some stupid leaf in a tornado of embarrassment and sympathy. He looked so _hurt_. And I had done it. I was the one doing that to him. I knew he liked me. I knew he had since the night we fucked for the first time. The way he attached himself to me. The way he secluded himself when I mentioned Xigbar. The guarded expressions, the whisperings of how bad he wanted me as we had sex, the way he would watch my every move with that longing in his eyes… And I was hurting him. I was the prey that was ever elusive and he was the predator that could never get fast enough to catch me. And I felt so sorry for that.

"I'm sorry," I whimpered, flinching as he finally walked towards me.

His face was hard as rock as he walked up to be, his pace brisk. I couldn't tell if he was angry or just sad, that sorrow contorting his once-bright eyes. There was a lot about him that made me wonder what sort of personal hell he had been through, but I never asked. It wasn't my business anyway. The tattoos on his hips, the way his ribs jutted from his skin in malnourishment, the constant bags under his eyes, the way he could be smiling one day and completely destroyed the next. There were demons in his mind, and that much was obvious. I didn't know if I could even begin to understand what he had been through.

I was still entranced with his features and the little wrinkle between his eyebrows when he closed the distance between us and cupped my face in his hands. My eyes widened as I registered how close he was, felt those chapped lips on my own. There wasn't much at all behind the kiss, other than quiet pleading. I kissed back after a moment, but his lips were already gone. Those dull green orbs were staring straight into me, begging to get any sort of response. I could only take a shallow breath.

"Was there anything?" he murmured, hands still braced on my cheeks and head bowed slightly to be at my level. His tone was pleading, desperate. I opened my mouth and I saw him prepare himself for whatever I was about to say. I swallowed before I gave up and closed my mouth. His expression fell and I could practically hear it shatter. He began to pull away, but I wasn't about to let him do that. My arms snared around his neck, pulling him down for another kiss.

I felt something.

It was electric. The second our lips met, something shot down my spine and took hold in my feet. I nearly fell at the feeling, the butterflies intensifying and causing my ribs to clatter against each other and my spine crumble. If my arms weren't around him, I would be on the floor. He broke the kiss relatively quickly, giving me that same begging look. He didn't even have to say it. I just nodded, leaning in to kiss him again. He only leaned back, however, pulling my arms off of him and pushing me back.

"Save that feeling for Xigbar. I don't wanna be the other man. I don't wanna be a homewrecker. I'm gonna pack up and leave by morning. My parents got me a plane ticket to get back home. I just… I guess I should just say bye."

My eyes widened and I reached for him, but he brushed past me and left before I had even processed what had just happened. I didn't even notice Xigbar in the doorway as he turned to follow Axel. I just sunk into the closest chair and stayed there.


	13. Changes

**And we're back to Axel's POV**

* * *

I knew Xigbar had been there when Demyx had kissed me. I knew that was like handing the noose over to my executioner, but I was feeling awful cocky. Those texts and the actions of last night had caused me to pull an all-nighter, so maybe it was my exhaustion that was causing me to stick my neck out like that. But Xigbar hadn't seen me kiss him. He had seen it the other way around. Sure, it still wasn't good, but maybe that would be enough leverage to get Xigbar to dump him. Then Demyx would come crawling back to me in that cliché state of mind and we could live happily ever after with golden castles and strong white steeds as the kingdom flourished around us.

I could dream, right?

As I took my exit after my little speech, I bumped into Xigbar's shoulder as hard as I could. Granted, the guy was practically made of stone, but it still elicited a growl and he began to follow me. It wasn't the best fight to pick, but I knew we had to get it out of the way before we started ripping Demyx in half like King Simon or a pack of hungry wolves. I needed to settle this. The guy was older, a little taller, and looked like a shark that had learned a thing or two about ripping prey apart. When I entered an empty hallway, Xigbar still on my tail about five feet back, the fight started. The old cobra struck.

I was spun around by a strong hand on my shoulder and, before I could act, a fist had found its way to my face. I stumbled backwards and put a hand over my nose, feeling pain shoot through it like an electric shock. I hardly had time to react as a hand clenched in my hair, nails scraping my scalp.

"You stay the fuck away from him," he snarled, snapping my head down and kneeing me, hard, in the chest. I was learning fast that I was shit at fights. Especially with a full-grown man taking on my scrawny build. I wouldn't be surprised if he could break me in half over his knee, because he was turning out to be stronger than I had thought. Thanks to the knee to my chest, I couldn't breathe properly. My head spun as more and more blows landed, hardly able to keep up with what they were and where they were coming from. I know I managed a good bony-knuckled punch to his jaw, but that really didn't give me much leverage as he literally pounded me to the floor. When I was laying there with every atom in my body throbbing and begging to die off, he finally stopped. He was breathing heavily and, for a split second, I was reminded of those little berserk violence attacks Saïx would have when he got angry. Except Xigbar had a damn good reason to do it. He said something to me before he walked away, but I had already passed out. Maybe it was an apology.

There's a point in your life when you realize how pathetic you are. You realize you're fighting a losing battle and staying on the field is just going to get you killed. But once you realize that, it's not as if you're about to just hang up the white flag and walk away. You're going to start scheming. You're going to rethink your strategies and try again and again until you're exhausted. Either the enemy is going to kill you, or your hard work will. But maybe it'll be worth it. Maybe, just maybe, you'll win this war. Maybe you'll be the one to step forward into new territory and claim your treasure. A pile of rubies and diamonds and gold. All for you now, and you're going to take it. It's the spoils of the war, right? It's just an item. Just a prize to be won. But… what if that prize has a name? What if it's alive? Then what do you do?

Before I knew it, May had slipped through my fingers and June was already half gone. July was right around the corner, along with Roxas and Kairi's wedding. I had been busy with working in the kitchens, trying to figure out the mystery of the roommate that never seemed to be around, and dealing with Riku and Sora's flamingly homosexual relationship and the makeout sessions (and occasional sex) that happened on the couch or even the kitchen counter. I was busy keeping my head above the alcohol I wanted to drown in, but something had changed. It took a black eye, bruised ribs, and a split lip to realize it, but I had newfound motivation. Maybe it was the fact I hadn't thought of Saïx in at least a month, but I finally felt like there was more waiting for me than just a coffin six feet under. I was surrounded by people who all seemed relatively friendly, and yet I hardly knew any of them completely. And, god forbid it, I became _social_.

One afternoon on a Sunday on a rather nice day in June, I found myself peacefully perched on a nearby picnic table as I watched two guys set up a net volleyball net in the courtyard. I had been texting Roxas at the time about pre-wedding jitters, but the scene before me proved to be a bit more amusing, as the two young men looked like they had no idea what they were doing. One was short and scrawny, probably more around my age, and kept muttering curse words under his breath every time the net didn't move the way he wanted, which was quite often. The larger, who was much more muscular and- Hell, who was I kidding? Neither of them were wearing shirts, being in swim trunks, both of them having damp hair as if they had gone swimming. Being shirtless, I couldn't help but stare. The raven was too skinny and pale for my taste (Like I had any fucking room to talk), but the brunette was… _Oh_. He had to lift weights or something. Maybe he was an ROTC kid. Whichever reason, I knew for a fact that Demyx definitely didn't have a- Wait, was that an _eight pack_?

"This fucking net is a piece of shit," the raven snarled, untangling the ropes to tie it to the pole. "I'm sure Xigbar can afford a fucking net that doesn't fucking-"

"Stop bitching, Van," the other chuckled, carefully taking the net and hanging it up rather easily, making Van huff in frustration. "After all, I'm good with my hands, right?"

Van blushed right to the line of his black hair, golden eyes darting over to see me sitting there in voyeur position. Punching the rather buff male, probably not even injuring the tank, he hissed through his teeth, "Shut the fuck up, Terra!"

"What?" Smirking, Terra glanced over at me and jerked his chin at me. "You're Axel, right?"

Confused at how my name had spread like wildfire set by gossiping tongues, I merely nodded.

"Terra," he introduced, jabbing a thumb at his own chest, "Vanitas," he continued, casually slapping the raven square on the ass.

Giving a rather unmanly squeak as his ass was grabbed, Vanitas jumped and promptly began beating on Terra's arm. "You ass!"

"Nah, that was yours."

"This place is crawling with homosexuals. Jesus fucking Christ, you two."

Glancing over, three sets of eyes settled as Xigbar stepped onto the scene, sniggering as Terra flipped him off, the old man's arm slung around Demyx's waist. I tried to make eye contact with the blonde, as I hadn't really had any contact with him other than an awkward wave in the hallways since the kiss-and-confess session we had, but his face was downcast straight down to the sand, looking very much uncomfortable around me. Not that I could say anything, of course. Trying to lessen the sudden tension between me and Demyx, I quickly looked down at my half-buried feet in the sand. Lucky for me, I was able to disappear in my seat as more people arrived, Larxene and Reno included, and everyone split into teams. Oddly enough, I found myself dragged into the game. The stakes were who would be buying who dinner, and people were shoved to teams as if they were virgin sacrifices to some heathen god that would bless them eternal fertility or some shit.

I was on a team consisting of Terra, Vanitas, Larxene, Reno's girlfriend that introduced herself kindly as Tifa, and some sulking boy that glared daggers at Reno that actually hurt me on secondhand loathing who identified himself as Cloud. Xigbar, Demyx, Reno, some guy that was acting like an over-excited Jack Russel and his girlfriend, and a rather hungover Luxord. I was placed to the front corner, diagonal from Larxene as she served, and Demyx was right on the other side of the moth-eaten screen from me. I wanted to talk to him, to ask him how things were going, but the game had erupted in nothing short of a brawl. Before that moment in my life, I never knew it was possible to break a bone during beach volleyball. But that bone jutting awkwardly out of Larxene's elbow was enough to prove that to me. So, needless to say, the game broke off at a tie when the ambulance arrived. Before the savages could even think up a tie breaker as Larxene was unwillingly led into the sling contraption her arm was submitted to, I hurried back inside to avoid any sort of bloodbath that could deem a winner on the pile of mangled bodies.

I nearly slammed into whoever was coming out as I swung the doors open and stepped in, the both of us about to apologize before we realized who the other was and how horrible we looked.

The first thing I noticed was that Demyx was wearing the exact same shirt that he had been when we went to the Waffle House lifetimes ago. Don't ask me how I remembered; I just did. The second thing I noticed was the way it didn't cling to his body like it had. He was thinner, although it was a slight difference. There were heavy bags under his eyes, yet his hair was kept like it usually was in that messy mullet mohawk. His eyes widened a bit as he opened his mouth to apologize, but my mouth was already blurting out a question before I could even dream of hearing the answer to it.

"What happened to you?"

I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed, bright eyes searching like a frightened animal looking for an escape. But we were in an open hallway. There were plenty of places for him to run and hide to. I wasn't trapping him in the least, but that look on his face still worried me. He wasn't trapped by me. He was trapped in the parameters of his own mind. Or maybe by the walls Xigbar had managed to build there. After our confrontation, I wouldn't doubt it if Xigbar had used that strong hand on Demyx. And the thought of that alone was enough to make my stomach churn and my blood to boil.

"Look, Axel, I can't… I can't be seen with you, okay?" he murmured, so quiet that I barely heard those words that were slowly sinking knives into my already bruised heart. "I can't. I'm with Xigbar, and I can't… I can't lose him. I'm really sorry, but I-"

"So you used me."

His mouth snapped shut with an audible noise, eyes immediately casting downwards. The look of guilt was so thick I probably couldn't have wiped it off if I tried. I felt like I had just kicked a puppy in its ribs, but I didn't stand down. I wasn't hurt anymore. I wasn't sad or jealous. I was just angry. He was playing me, and I knew that now. He would call me when he wanted another fuck, then shove me away and not even want to see me again, and I hated that. No, I hated _him_ for that. Demyx was treating me like a toy and all I wanted was his damn affection so I had a reason to drag oxygen into my dying lungs. I wanted to tell him that. I wanted to scream it in his face until my throat bled and he was deaf. He had used me like some whore, calling me up when he wanted to fuck, then hardly saying a word to me afterwards. I felt forgotten. Useless. A sick part of my mind wanted to do the same to him, but my heart wouldn't allow the blonde to undergo any sort of harm.

"I didn't mean to, Axel… I just wasn't thinking. I dunno why I went for you while I have Xigbar. I really don't know… So just, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you, and I'm so sorry-"

"Then stop saying sorry and fucking fix it," I snapped, my hands balling into fists at my sides. He flinched, but I had let loose now. The monster in my chest was what was speaking for me now. My brain had been shoved aside from a stampede of emotions that I had been holding in for far too long. "If you're so sorry, then do something about it. Sorry is just a word. It doesn't mean anything until you put some goddamn meaning into it instead of being so fucking _spineless_." He opened his mouth to talk, but I cut him off from spewing more of his venomous lies before they could start corroding what little I had left of my sanity. "Don't. Don't even try. Just- Fuck, just forget it. I'm moving out." Yes, I had used that threat before, but I meant it now. I meant every damn word of it. I still had that airplane ticket, and I was about to use it.

Before he could answer, I pushed past him and went straight for my room, déjà-vu hovering in my head. I didn't even think as I went back to the room, ignoring the fact that an unfamiliar black-haired girl had her hand stuck in Sora's Cheerios and was staring at me like I was about to arrest her if I noticed. But I didn't say a damn thing to her. I kicked my door open, slammed it shut, and started to pack. I could feel every nerve in my body breaking in half, tearing and insisting that I stay here. I couldn't leave. I couldn't give up. Where was that motivation now? Where was my plan? Maybe this was my plan. Maybe, if I pretended I was leaving, pretended I was quitting, he would come back. Maybe he would try to stop me. Maybe he would break up with Xigbar.

Maybe.

I was saying that a lot lately.

Halfway through my packing, the door opened and the timid girl was standing there. I didn't regard her, still throwing things quite violently into my suitcase. She stepped inside and closed the door, her voice surprisingly strong when she spoke.

"Are you going on a trip?" she asked, tugging on the short pleated skirt that she was wearing with her tank top. Her head tilted, chin-length hair shifting a bit as she did so.

I finally looked over at her, stopping with a pair of jeans wadded in my hand and a shirt in the other. I blinked at her, wondering if she was even college age. She was a very petite girl, although, due to the shortness of her skirt, her legs accounted for most of her height. Her glossy lips were tugged into a small frown, the black of her skirt and the black of her top meshing together as her painted black nails played with each. There were many bracelets on each of her wrists, hiding that portion of her pale porcelain skin. She was the epitome of innocence, and that look in her big blue eyes proved that to me.

"Uh, kinda," I murmured, a little curious at who she was as I stuffed my clothes into the already-stuffed suitcase. I made sure not to look at her too much, finding those blue eyes of hers far too probing to be comfortable. "I'm going home." Why I was telling her, I had no idea. She was quiet as I wrestled my suitcase shut, standing there and watching in curiosity as I grabbed an old box out from under the bed and started to gather up other things.

"But why are you going home?"

"Because things aren't working out here."

"Why not?"

I paused, in the middle of dumping my bathroom supplies into the box when I looked up and found her closer than I was expecting. I swallowed thickly, cursing my eyes for flickering down to see her small hand-sized breasts that were nearly falling out of her shirt, not restricted by a bra. "Because things just… Look, I don't have to tell you anything. Who are you anyway?"

"Xion. Your roommate."

Oh. So this was the mysterious Xion.

She smiled a little and grabbed my hand and, before I knew it, she had tugged me out into our living room just as Riku stepped out of the bedroom, looking like he had woken up from his afternoon nap or quite the interesting round of sex that resulted in an unconscious Sora. Little five-foot-two Xion shoved me towards him, her hands on her hips as she barked Riku's name in a tone that made me believe for a moment that she could have been his mother. He regarded her with a tired look, raising a dark, unbleached eyebrow at me as he tried to figure out what the hell was actually going on. Personally, I had the same expression on my face.

"Take him to the battle tonight!" Xion demanded, her little voice sounding nothing short of Hitler. Well, she was shorter than Hitler, but I think you get my point.

Riku began to splutter, face turning red in either embarrassment or anger, or maybe both. "I can't take him to that!" he finally choked out, taking a step forward. "He'd hate it! That's our stuff! Not his!"

"Just do it!" she snapped, quickly turning to me with the face of an angel and the tone of a concerned mother. "There's a lot of stuff going on here. If you get involved, it's not that bad of a place. Go with Riku to the Battle of the Bands tonight and have some fun!"

Pausing a moment to take a look at Xion's angelic, soft smile, as well as the way her hands were clasped as if she was praying for me to agree, then looking over at a very displeased Riku that could probably kill a rabbit while staring at it, I decided to take the higher rode. "Uh, I'll leave you two to go to that…"

Xion's face immediately fell into a pout to rival a child in a candy store without a penny in his pocket, whereas Riku soaked in his victory silently and made his way over to the box of Cheerios the girl had left out. She opened her mouth to ask for an excuse, and I made one up without even thinking.

"I'm hanging out with Terra and Vanitas." They would still be at the volleyball court, right? Probably untangling the net from the hell we had all wreaked onto it. Besides, they seemed like pretty cool guys. Vanitas was a whiney little brat that thought he was better than everyone and Terra had a nice way of ripping him back down to Earth. Even if I wasn't going to see them, which I found even more likely, I would probably just pick a cozy couch in the commons and flip on the news just so I could nap. But, unfortunately, Xion was already processing what I had said and thinking of a hole in my half-assed plan that she could wiggle into.

The raven blinked dumbly at what I had said, then lit up like a tree on Christmas morning. Attaching herself to my arm, she had already started toting me out of the room. Because, for a little girl that probably weighed under a hundred pounds, she had one killer grip and even stronger of determination.


	14. Bonus Chapter, Freshmen

**Okay, it's been forever. This is more of an apology update because I keep hitting snags in the actual chapter. So here, have some AkuSai and stupid college humor.**

* * *

"This is fucking _hopeless_."

An amused sound reached his ears, drawing the redhead's nose out of the map he was busy trying to memorize. "What? Like you know where you're going!"

The blue haired freshman beside him merely shrugged, grabbing the map and turning it in the right direction. "But I do know how to read a map, Axel."

Face flushed in embarrassment, the other spluttered and made a 180, turning in the right direction as his unlucky best friend rolled their luggage behind himself. Saïx was busy looking around at the sight of so many other confused freshmen, upperclassmen watching in amusement as parents fussed and cried. Thank god Saïx and Axel's parents had just opted for dropping them off at a random point. It sucked, being lost, but it hadn't taken long to get their bearings. And no sobbing parents either.

"It's a nice campus," Saïx idly commented, noticing the decorative plants and trees. The weather was hot and humid, causing both of them to be more sweaty than they would have liked, but the sky was cloudless and the day was just… promising. It was new to both of them, finally getting their heads out of the dank sewer that could hardly qualify as Harlem. This place was clean, kind, welcoming. Cheerleaders ran around giving welcoming shouts, Axel grimacing at the thought that he would have to listen to them during basketball games. That was the sole reason he was here, after all. Basketball. Saïx had managed to get in on a full ride as well, on academics.

"Confusing though," Axel muttered, frequently looking up from his map just to make sure that they were heading in the right direction. Theodore was the hall they would be staying in, clustered with identical buildings that were assigned to freshmen and sophomores. It was far from campus, being at a two mile walk one-way, but they would have to deal. Axel was pushing his bike, and he had already jokingly invited Saïx the nice spot on the handlebars.

"We'll get used to it."

Their conversation died then, but they didn't complain until they reached the doors of the tall dormitory building. A brunette with the clear goal of flirting had struck up a conversation with the woman behind the desk, Axel raising an eyebrow at the sight of the woman's blue hair and the way she chewed her lip as the man discussed a _private_ party she was invited to. Teasing, Axel smirked over at Saïx as he stuffed the key to his bike lock into his pockets.

"You got a lost relative?" he teased, even though he could clearly see the woman's brown roots. He got a scowl in response, only chuckling as he stepped forward when the brunette slid aside with a nod of apology.

"Registration?" she piped, flipping on a switch to call back her professional air. She pulled a pen out of her hair, causing the bun to immediately fall to her shoulders in a law-breaking way of physics that Axel could only explain as girls.

He pulled the folded forms for he and Saïx's registration from his pocket and handed them over, watching her read over them before making little marks on her computer, manicured blue nails that matched her hair tapping at the keys. She slid them a paper to sign, Axel frowning at the signatures of the roommates that would be sharing the room with them. Luckily for them, at least, they had a bathroom separating the four of them.

They signed and got their keys, the kind upperclassmen announcing herself as Aqua, the fit man chipping in to give his name as Terra. Giving their names in return, Axel and Saïx didn't stick around long. They grabbed their things and headed for the stairs, their legs already numb from all the walking.

"Fucking… floor… six," Axel wheezed, his legs shaking with effort as he dragged his rolling luggage behind him and onto floor five. Saïx had already reached the top and was watching, eyes dancing in amusement as Axel wheezed.

"I thought you were an athlete," he teased, leaning against the door that led them to floor six as Axel nearly collapsed.

"Shut the fuck up," he muttered, finally catching up and heaving himself through the door before looking down at the number on the key in his hand. "How the fuck did we get 666? We're gonna fucking die or something."

"Don't tell me you're superstitious," Saïx said with a slight condescending tone, turning down a hallway and allowing Axel to trail behind him.

"No. But c'mon. It's the devil's number. Why do they even _have_ a room numbered 666?"

Saïx didn't answer that one, finding the room and sliding the key into the lock. He twisted it open, holding it as Axel stumbled in. His suitcase hit the floor at the same time Axel hit the bare bottom bunk, a groan of exhaustion leaving his mouth.

"Dibs," he sleepily claimed, wrapping his arms around the mattress. He didn't see the roll of Saïx's eyes as the door closed, his suitcase resting securely against the wall. Axel lazily watched as Saïx opened a window with a bit of difficulty, immediately turning the supplied fan onto the high position. He sat at the foot of Axel's bed and reached for his hair, rebundling it into its ponytail high enough to leave his neck bare, almost pulling it to a bun.

The two of them sat in hot, sweaty silence for a while before Axel was tugging off his damp shirt, dropping it onto the floor and sitting up. Saïx looking over at him, quietly thankful that he had worn a tank top instead of a shirt like Axel. Of course, he also quietly approved of his half-naked friend's body, regretting that he hadn't seen it in so long. Axel had filled out past his gangly teen years, muscles causing attractive dips and planes along his skin. He was shining with sweat, his own hair pulled back as well. He eventually managed to heave himself to his feet, and Saïx didn't miss the way that those muscles moved under his skin. He realized his inappropriate staring and focused on the plain white wall, trying to crush whatever that feeling was that gnawed at his gut.

"I'm gonna test out the shower and maybe say hi to the other guys," Axel announced, rifling in his suitcase briefly before pulling out a bag holding his toiletries. He only got a noncommittal grunt in response, but that was alright. That was Saïx.

The rest of the day went by rather sluggishly, their other roommates not really being around. They complained about the heat, the shower, the stink, the heat some more… Well, Axel mostly bitched, and Saïx listened to it with slight amusement. They sat on the floor, where it was cooler against the tiles, and lazily unpacked their things into the provided closet and dresser. They didn't bother to make their beds, opting for grabbing their pillows and laying right there on the floor. They regretted it in the morning with pain searing down their spinal cords, but they didn't have time to whine.

They washed up before heading down for breakfast in the communal cafeteria, quickly learning that college food wasn't too different than high school food, except that it came in larger portions here. They ate in relative silence, comparing schedules for the thousandth time before Saïx got up to leave for his morning class, leaving Axel to wait another hour for his to start. And naturally, like any other freshman, Axel began to wander around the dormitory out of pure curiosity.

He discovered that there were only seven floors, he and Saïx nearly being at the top. The top four floors tended to be mostly freshmen, the lower and cooler floors belonging to the sophomores and occasional junior. Aqua was no longer at the desk, but a blonde woman that was angrily chewing at a pen. He decided to ignore her, not liking the harsh vibe that she gave off, but the sound of her chewing was driving him insane. So he hurried out of the lobby and outdoors, gladly being greeted with the slightest of a breeze. There were still some last-minute freshmen moving in, all looking just as flustered and scared as Axel was sure he looked yesterday. One of them caught his eye, feeling like he had just been punched in the gut as the student rushed by before he could drop the large fish tank he was wrestling with.

That was the first time he saw him.

His mulleted hair, neon clothing, and the way his zebra-print pants clung to him tight enough that the poor guy had to be suffocating. Axel knew he wasn't attracted to the blonde right away, but he couldn't help but give a delayed chuckle. He had been warned that there were all sorts of weirdos in college. He took that neon boy as his flashing warning light.

"Welcome to college," he muttered to himself, only to notice the second anomaly following the bright student. Much different. A lot of black leather, gray-streaked air running halfway down his back. But what Axel found his neck straining to keep an eye on was the fact that the man had an eye patch and a wicked scar on his cheek.

"Welcome to hell," he amended after a moment, already missing the normality of Saïx at his side.

* * *

College life took a lot of adjustment, but it was easy for Axel now that he had Saïx with him. Saïx reminded him of home, and he was really all the home he wanted. The two of them stuck together a lot, even though they only shared two of their classes. They hardly even noticed as they started to get closer, both physically and within their friendship. They undressed in front of each other shamelessly, never knowing that the other was actively watching the casual show. The tensions between them started to swell and, before they knew it, Saïx had attacked Axel as he was getting out of the shower one night, only a towel covering his damp body.

They both let loose the monsters that had been curled in anticipation in their chests, practically snarling as what started as a gentle kiss made a sharp turn for something more desperate. The towel hit the floor as Saïx's hair fell out of his usual tie. Axel broke away, just long enough to hiss, "You look way sexier with it down" before they were kissing again, harder. Axel's back was pressed against the closed bathroom door soon enough, his naked body not even chilled with so much hot, hot, hot warmth trickling down his spine and pooling into his stomach. He moaned as Saïx's tongue worked against him, teeth nipping at sensitive lips as cool, large hands began sliding through rivets of water that dripped from deflated red spikes. Touching, kissing, moaning, and soon they were both naked.

They weren't even conscious of what was happening as they fell onto Axel's bunk, the old bed creaking in protest to the weight. They ignored it, panting as they fought to keep their mouths together, growing dizzy from the lack of air. Hips fit together and hands began to stroke, touch, tease. They were so hungry for each other that that was as far as they had gotten before they released the hot coils in their gut. They collapsed, spent, but didn't stop. There were more kisses, more touches, much slower and lazy than before. Chests heaving, they tried to catch their breath as they squeezed together on the twin bed, Axel half on top of the other.

"I fucking love you," gave a growl from the redhead as he kissed along Saïx's pierced ear, hands having far too much fun with that hair that felt so smooth and silky between his digits.

"I love you too, Axel," was the soft reply, lips sealing against the other's in a quiet request for silence.


	15. Refugee

**Here we go. The real update.**

**Demyx's POV.  
**

**Think I might be alternating. Axel's POV confuses me too, guys.**

* * *

Nestled in the sheets of the ever-so-soft king size bed again, I was trying to sleep. My mind wouldn't shut up about Axel, telling me I had to stop him, but it was too late. I blew it. I was so upset, so trapped in the fence that my mind had set up, I hadn't even gone to the battle of the bands tonight. My band was missing their lead guitarist, but I didn't care. I wasn't in the mood to play punky rock music anyway. I needed the sleep. I needed time to think about what I was doing. Being with Axel, even though those moments were blurred by alcohol and drugs, were great. Better than with Xigbar, even. With Axel most likely on a plane back home, I realized how badly I missed him. I wanted to run to him, grab him, drag him back. But there was a serious roadblock in my way to keep me from doing that so easily. And that was Xigbar.

The door to the bedroom opened and I didn't even bother to pretend to be asleep as the light was flicked on so he could see. I heard him strip down to his boxers before coming over to the bed, sliding in behind me. I expected him to quietly ask why I wasn't downstairs, but I got something else that I hadn't bargained for. He had rolled over on top of me, hands pressing into the mattress on either side of me, the light still on as he just _stared_.

Speak of the devil.

"I'm not in the mood tonight, Xigbar," I sighed, not knowing if I was referring to the skipped performance or the fact that I really didn't want to have sex with him at the moment. "I actually… I need to talk to you."

"Funny. I need to talk to you too, but you first."

I knew that tone. I wasn't just in trouble, either. His face was completely blank of any expression, loose hair tickling my bare chest, but there was something brewing in that golden eye of his. He was pissed. He seemed to have a good handle on it, however. But the longer I looked, the longer I processed his tone, I realized there was something else. He wasn't all angry. There was a bit of fear in there. He knew what I was going to tell him, and he was petrified. He didn't want to watch me walk away from him and he would damn well go down fighting if I tried to simply leave. In fact, I wouldn't put it past him if he tied me to the bed. That scared me. And if that fear curling up in my stomach wasn't enough of a reason to end our relationship, I didn't know what was.

"I was thinking… about us," I began quietly, reaching up to put my arms around his neck. He allowed me to, and I relaxed. I could feel the tense muscles, and I knew from this position, he wouldn't hit me. He could get away, but I wasn't concerned about that. I needed to get this out before the train of thought left me. Before I got distracted by the muscles under his tanned skin, the soft fibers of his hair, the weight that hovered over me so perfectly, flawlessly… "I know I screwed up. I screwed up really bad, Xiggy, and I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen, but it… but it did. And, well, I guess they were right… y'know… there's too much different between us. I can't… I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. With you. We're… we're done. I'll leave in the morning. I'll sleep on the couch or someth-"

His thin, chapped lips were against mine. Hard. I grunted in both surprise and pain, feeling his teeth nip at me. His hands cupped my face as he kissed me, desperate. He was searching for a reaction, for a spark, for anything. He was trying to get me to stay. _Axel doesn't kiss you this hard. Axel doesn't taste like this. Axel doesn't know you like it._ But that was why I liked Axel better. I loved him more. Xigbar had been my whole life for… quite a while now. But this was over now. He lost me. Not on purpose, of course. I didn't want my heart to do this. But no matter how his mouth moved, I couldn't bring myself to do anything but lay there. And I didn't kiss him back.

When he finally broke away, he was panting. The look on his face made me hear the shatter of our hearts. He knew he lost, and that horrified, desperate, desolate look on his face broke my heart. I kept my arms around him and hugged, feeling him return it as his long body lightly pressed down against me.

"I'm sorry, Xigbar… I'm so sorry… Don't blame Axel for this. It-it's me. I was never loyal enough. I'm sorry, but I… I can't be with you anymore." _I'm crying? When did that start? _

A shaky exhale brushed my ear before he rolled off, standing up with his scarred back towards me. "As if you're sorry."

I flinched at that, as if I'd been slapped. I sat up, drawing my knees to my chest, and just… waited. There was more he wanted to say. I knew it. The way his muscles tensed, his voice had trailed off, and the way his hands were slowly curling into fists at his sides. After all, he said he needed to talk to me too. I was curious. Curiosity killed the cat though, didn't it?

After forever, which was really just six painful seconds, he spoke.

"I was gonna ask you if there's anything, anything in the world, that I could do to get you to stay. I know threatening him and threatening you won't work. It's stupid. It's stupid to even ask you to stay, and don't think I'm going to grovel. You're gone. You've been gone since you met that ginger prick. So just… Fuck it, Demyx. Get the hell out." And with that, no goodbye, he stomped to the bathroom and snapped the door behind him, locking it.

I knew that if I didn't get out by the time he was finished in the bathroom, I'd be dead. I quickly dressed, grabbed what I could carry while shoving some more in my backpack, and left. I stashed my stuff in Larxene's room after arguing with that damn bitch for over fifteen minutes (I was still crying, mind you) and got my ass in bed and stayed there. Damn the band performance, damn the fact I was sleeping in the wicked witch's futon, damn my heart, damn my brains, damn everything. I just wanted to _sleep_.

Which never came.

I never fully fell asleep, but my mind was tingly with numbness and dreams played out as my eyes stared hard at the back of my eyelids, body tossing and turning on the thin mattress that I rested on. The dreams were distant, like fuzzy TV reception through a storm. Hot tears leaked down my face to remind me I was awake, but I didn't dare make a sound. I didn't want to scare away though hallucinations of Axel. Axel holding me, Axel kissing me, Axel drying my tears, Axel having _sex_ with me… Xigbar still entered my mind. Nagging. Replaying the heartbroken expression that was tearing me up inside. Only outshadowed by the memory of Axel with that same look on his features. He was gone too now. I had lost the two men that had been battling in my heart since spring. I wasn't sure what to do now. I had no home here, and I had no home to return to. All of the friends I had were living here, having no homes of their own. I was stuck. Maybe I could run to the airport and catch Axel. Go home with him. Or… something. But now? Now, I couldn't move. My heart had shattered into a million pieces, all of those pieces digging sharply into my skin, tearing me apart. My dreams tried to stitch me back together, but reality only pulled them away. It was hell, surely.

When morning came, I could feel the bags under my eyes. I had cried the entire night, the trails of salty water just now drying on my skin. I knew I had to get up and get out before Larxene woke, so I grabbed my things and headed for another room. I knew Sora was a morning person, and now that Axel had left, maybe there was extra room for me to stay while I worked out my own living situation. Thankfully, the door of the room swung open shortly after I knocked, only it wasn't the brunette I had been expecting.

It was Riku. Naked, soaking wet, and pissed.

"What?" he growled, tying a towel around his waist that he had been holding, glaring up at me through our small height difference. He noticed my things, the stains from tears on my cheeks, and the fact that Xigbar wasn't attached to my hip. He seemed to piece it together and just grunted, leaving the door open and going back to the bathroom to finish up his shower. I quietly came in and put my things on the couch, glancing over to the TV to see that a game of… Was that Legend of Zelda? Glancing around, I figured no one was playing, since Riku seemed to be the only one up, so I grabbed the N64 controller and sat down, unpausing and playing.

Video games were always a nice alternative calming method from playing my guitar. Which was now sitting on the couch.

Riku got out of his shower soon enough, only to go straight back to his room and not come out. I just kept playing the game, slowly finding myself worrying less about my personal life and more about Navi shutting the fuck up because Jesus fucking Christ in the oven, she was annoying. But in no time, Riku came back out with Sora and got breakfast before leaving, Xion also ducking out, but I paid them no mind at all. I was too busy saving world one annoying "Hey!" at a time.

I didn't stop playing until almost noon, pausing the game and going to their kitchenette for food. And as soon as I put that controller down, I felt reality slam into my chest so hard that my knees buckled and I had to grip the counter just to keep my head from slamming into the tile. I dragged breath after broken breath into my lungs, choking on sobs as I finally gave up and slid to the floor, pulling my knees up to bury my face in. That was it. I was done. I didn't have a Plan B. I knew that leaving Xigbar would require me leaving this house. I just didn't think it over. I was always doing that though. Doing things without thinking about the repercussions or the future. I was reckless, and that was going to be my downfall. I didn't have a safety net, and I didn't have the money to even begin to make one. My band mates, my best friends, lived here too. I couldn't room with them. I was going to have to leave like a refugee from war, with no hope of returning.

I eventually pulled myself back to my feet, trembling as I retrieved a bowl of Sora's Cheerios and settled back on the couch. My eyes were unseeing as I stared at the pause screen on the TV, the cereal going soggy before I could eat all of it. I dumped it out and was about to gather my things and see if I could stay with someone else, but I heard a door click open and I had to turn to see who was still around. Riku, Sora, and Xion had already left, so who was…

Red hair and green eyes were the first things to process as Axel stepped out of his room, not even acknowledging that I was there. His hair stuck to his forehead and the nape of his neck, fresh from a shower, and his tank top hung off of him much like his jeans. He had bags under his eyes, like he hadn't slept in a long time, and there was the faint smell of alcohol on him. He glanced over at the TV, his eyes dull, and his lips pulled into a tight line. He finally turned to me, talking as he did so. Even his voice sounded tired.

"Sora, I thought I told you not to play on my… files…" I watched as his brain slowly pieced together what was going on. His expression went from surprise to confusion to frustration, looking rather displeased that I was there. "If you're here to try to stop me from leaving, it's too late. I already used the voucher on tickets home. My plane leaves at four. I'm on my way out." He nodded to the suitcases just inside the door of his room, along with a couple cardboard boxes. "Terra's giving me a ride and I gotta meet him out front in ten minutes. Make it fast."

I swallowed heavily, my voice slipping away from me. I stood there in complete silence as he waited, and then as he shut off the game and packed the system away into a box. He gave me a deflating look before he managed to grab everything. A knock on the door sounded before someone entered, Vanitas not even looking at me as he crossed the room and grabbed some of Axel's things.

"Let's get goin'. Terra has practice at seven, so we gotta hurry up and get you taken care of." The raven nodded to the boxes and luggage, having a box under one arm and a suitcase in the other. "This it?"

"Yeah, this is everything." His tone was flat, almost dead, as he gathered the rest and followed Vanitas for the door.

My heart was pounding with a sense of urgency as I watched him begin to leave. If he left and that door shut, he was gone. I would never see him again. He wasn't coming back to the house, let alone to college. If he walked out of that door, he walked out of my life. It was a horrifying cliché, and the horror of the matter had rooted me to my place like a statue. My lips were dry and parted, but my voice had shriveled up like a raisin and began to choke me. I found myself moving, my legs developing a mind of their own, and I felt a thin arm under my hand as two sets of eyes stared at me. I fumbled for words, for something to say, but I couldn't find any. Suddenly, I felt like a freshman again. Too scared to talk to anyone, but too scared to be alone. Juggling a fish tank as Xigbar tried to convince me to move in, and feeling hot green eyes staring at me. Green eyes that haunted me in my sleep for months. Green eyes that haunted me now, staring, so empty and flat, down at me.

It was in that moment when I realized how broken Axel was. There was no life, no humor, no… nothing, really. He was a shell filled with shadow and grieving. I could see the cracks in his armor, the blood in his veins that longed to be released from the pain, the way he shivered when I took his hand in mine. I felt the bony thinness of his fingers, the bumps of his knuckles, and I barely registered the thud as his suitcase hit the floor. I was clinging to him like a lost child, but there was nothing much to cling to. He was dust, beginning to be blown away by a horrible, horrible wind. And I was that wind. I was the one only worsening his suffering. When our lips met, I didn't even realize I had been the one to start it. I didn't even pay attention to the fact Vanitas was in the room, or that Axel was shaking so bad that he could have fallen apart. I could taste his hurt, his sorrow, and it hurt me just as much. I felt hot tears on my cheeks, and I realized that they weren't mine. Axel's defenses had crumbled. He was broken. The kiss ended, but I kept a hold of his hand. I finally found my words, my voice nearly creaking with uncertainty.

"I broke up with Xigbar last night. I wanna go with you, Axel."


	16. Thanks

I didn't remember last night, and I wasn't sure if I _wanted_ to. The last thing that flitted on my eyelids as I took a steaming shower to wash away my hangover was that Terra was going to be picking me up in a few hours to drive me to the airport for my ticket home and Xion had shoved so many drinks at me, I had practically been drowning before we even left for the Battle of the Bands event. In a way, though, thinking about last night made me glad I didn't remember. I was fairly certain that my bed smelled like sex and those panties on my floor belonged to the very roommate who had downed alcohol down my throat last night.

I groaned as I got dressed, my head pounding. I thought about other things instead, but that didn't bring me much relief. After all, reminding myself that I was giving up Demyx for good and moving back to my hellish hometown tended to be painful for more chest-centered cavities. That hole that had been blown by Saïx's death was only taking more abuse as of late. I had lost my schooling, lost my motivation, lost my nerve, my morals, values, and now I was losing Demyx too, after he had already wormed his way into the Swiss cheese that was my heart. He had set an anchor down there, and there would be no dislodging it. As much as I hated myself for it, I was still gravitating towards him. Even after getting my ass handed to me by Xigbar. Demyx was soon becoming the ground under my feet, the air in my lungs, the sun in my despair-clouded sky…

And I had to give him up.

I groaned once again as I finished dressing, pushing my packed-up things for the bedroom door after packing any last-minute things. I could faintly hear the quiet music of the Lost Woods and my brow furrowed. How many times had I told Sora to not play Ocarina of Time on my file? I walked out of my room scolding him, speaking without really hearing my voice. I turned to face the brunette culprit and paused. Since when was Sora blonde? Then smaller details registered. Tight pants, a messy mohawk, a bright orange hoodie… Demyx. Damn it. Why the hell was he here? I had finally been able to set my path in stone, my ticket all arranged, my things packed. Demyx must have had a radar to show up at the worst possible times.

"If you're here to try to stop me from leaving, it's too late. I already used the voucher on tickets home. My plane leaves at four. I'm on my way out," I announced, my tone short and clipped as I indicated my things. "Terra's giving me a ride and I gotta meet him out front in ten minutes. Make it fast."

I saw his Adam's apple bob as silence enveloped the room. There was silence, Demyx obviously scrambling for words, but not finding them. I packed away the N64 as he thought, but I kept watching him. Waiting. I got nothing from him. My eyes snapped away from him when there was a knock at the door, Vanitas letting himself in like I had told him. I was thankful for his distraction, the tension in my shoulders lessening the slightest bit at the sight of gold eyes and black hair. He gave a smile and a nod in greeting, not paying any attention to the word-choked college student in my kitchen. He crossed the room and grabbed some of my packed things, looking up at me expectantly.

"Let's get goin'. Terra has practice at seven, so we gotta hurry up and get you taken care of." He held all that he could, watching me with an expression that told me I was going to face an interrogation about the current tension in the room as soon as he could call me. "This it?"

"Yeah, this is everything," I said dryly, picking up what Vanitas couldn't carry and following him to the door. I got halfway to the door before Demyx moved, but I didn't look at him. If anything, I picked up the pace. I felt his fingers wrap around my forearm and I paused, Vanitas halting in the doorway. I didn't know what he did after that, because I was staring into a desperate ocean of blue with Demyx's hands being the only things keeping me from floating into space.

I don't know how long we stayed like that. I wasn't even sure what was happening. All I could think was _Demyx, Demyx, Demyx_… And something inside of me twisted. Like a washcloth being wrung, I felt my walls melt away and a shiver ripped down my spine when I felt fingers hold mine. _Perfectly_ fitting between mine. His fingers were calloused from playing his guitar, squeezing my fingers in return. I was trembling as he kissed me, his eyes closing before I could process. I kept mine open, trying to memorize the sight as his lips moved, mine numbly complying. He was putting his whole being into that kiss, and I could feel him trembling too. He seemed to be just as lonely and scared as I was, and he was impressing every bit of his emotions onto me before we parted, blinking at each other for a moment. I realized I was crying, still trembling in relief. I had dropped my suitcase at some point too. He was still holding my hand.

"I broke up with Xigbar last night. I wanna go with you, Axel."

My mouth opened dumbly, an odd, strangled sound coming from my throat. No way. He had seriously gotten away from Xigbar? So that meant… That meant that he liked me just as much as I liked him, right? Then all my worries… I felt the anchor in my heart sink deeper, the gravity pull me closer, and I only nodded, shutting my mouth and dropping his hand to grab my suitcase. He beamed at me at the agreement and gathered his own things from the couch. It wasn't until I heard Vanitas that I remembered we weren't alone.

"Alright, you love-struck faggots. Let's get a move on before rainbows start popping out of your asses."

We made it out to the waiting Volvo, packing my things away and Vanitas staying behind as me and Demyx squeezed into the back seat. Terra raised an eyebrow at the addition, but a look from Vanitas kept him from talking. So he sighed heavily and started to drive, occasionally darting his eyes up to look at me and Demyx. The only reason he had agreed to drive me in the first place was because he had to pick up his ex-turned-best-friend, Aqua, who was coming back from her home in France. The only catch was that I had to stay in contact with Vanitas and Terra, as well as my ex-roommates, once I got to New York. That was a deal I could afford to make.

The car was tensely silent for a long time, Demyx staring out the window as I wrestled with something to say. Terra was too occupied with the radio, turning it up so that any conversation in the back seat wouldn't be heard by his ears. We were halfway to the airport before I finally spoke, my voice weaker than I had intended.

"Why?"

Demyx turned, seeming surprised that I had spoken as he sat and thought about his answer. "Me and Xigbar… We've been drifting apart for a while now. Even before I met you. And I love you more than Xig-"

I held up a hand, eyes going a bit wide. "Whoa, whoa… Don't you think love is a bit too strong of a word to be using so soon?" Personally, I liked Demyx a lot. I was sure it would be turning to love sooner or later, but now, it was just a crippling crush that I had on the blonde. I wasn't about to go around spouting the L-word so soon. "We've had sex twice and that… is about it. And neither time we were very sober. That hardly constitutes as love, Demyx."

His shoulders fell a bit, but I saw that he agreed. "Sorry," he murmured, nervously playing with the neon strings of his hoodie. "I… I just really like you, Axel. I'd rather go across the country with you than stay with Xigbar. He… He kicked me out. And I don't really have anywhere else to go. I promise I'll get a job and help pay for bills or whatever, and you don't have to let me live with you. I just thought… maybe now that Xigbar's out of the picture, we can… y'know. Be together. But I guess this kinda thing only happens so easily in the movies. You don't have to take me with you, if you don't want. I can stay. I'll find… something…"

I had to take a deep breath, my hands falling in my lap as my whole body seemed to go boneless. He wanted to move in with me because Xigbar had kicked him out. I was his only option now, and we both knew that. I didn't really have a choice. I didn't want to leave him behind, but I knew that my parents wouldn't be happy when I told them one of my friends was going to move in. And how the hell was I supposed to hide my sexuality when the single guy I wanted to fuck was going to be sharing my room with me? I immediately thought of pushing him off to Roxas, only to remember that Roxas was going to be married at the start of August, in two weeks' time. So Demyx would be staying with me, no other option. I'd have to lay out rules for him, but I didn't see the point. He was one of those guys that you could _smell_ the gay on. His tight clothes, the way he held himself, even the way he spoke. My parents would peg him as a homosexual the second he said a hello. And that would not go over well.

He seemed to notice my hesitance, his bottom lip becoming the victim as his teeth had the urge to gnaw on something. "Like I said, I don't have to come with you. I can stay here, if it's a problem… I could just get a ticket to see my own parents. They might let me move back in."

I sighed and rubbed my face, trying to think clearly past the hangover that was still making my head buzz. I took another deep breath and let myself answer without that sane voice in the back of my head having any say. No one sane ever did something meaningful, after all. "You can stay with me," I finally blurted, not missing the way he seemed to light up like a kid on Christmas. I didn't smile back as I continued. "My parents are homophobic though, so we're gonna have to be careful. And you… no offense, but they're gonna know you're gay the second you come in. I'll try to keep them off your case though… And you know I live in Harlem, right? It's no golden city, just so you know."

He nodded, hands nervously wringing each other in his lap. "I'll do whatever I can to make it easier on you and your parents… Like I said, I'll get a job and try to help with bills and stuff. I know where you live, so don't worry… I'm sure it'll be fine."

I nodded, and that seemed to be the end of our conversation. We were at the airport, me and Demyx hauling our stuff in as Terra went off to find Aqua. I traded in my voucher for a ticket, helping Demyx pay for one of his own. We shuffled our way through security and got our seats on the plane, right next to each other, and the silence seemed to envelop us until the plane took flight. We had a brief discussion about how tired the flight attendants seemed before the conversation took a surprising turn.

"Thanks for letting me come with you, Axel. It means a lot. Thank you."

I gave him a small smile, shrugging. "Hey, it's nothing. It's the least I can do, seriously. I know what it's like to not really have anyone there for you." I couldn't hide the pain that flashed across my face at that, remembering my not-so-long-ago zombie status. I still felt the gaping hole in my chest, but it was already starting to get sewn back together. Every needle prick to guide the thread through seemed to shoot pain through my very soul, the nagging in the back of my head gnawing at my resolve. I wasn't cheating on Saïx. He would have wanted me to move on. Maybe not in the way that I did it, but he wouldn't have wanted me to remain so hung up on him that I couldn't even have a healthy relationship. Although, with me, healthy wasn't always necessarily the dictionary's definition.

I watched him light up, his face turned towards me. "So, uh, who's gonna be picking us up at the airport?"

Oops.

"Ah… I'll have to call someone when we land," I muttered, rubbing my neck and looking away in a bit of shame. I quickly went through a list of people, only to find that I didn't really know anyone that was free to pick me up. I really needed more friends.

A hum was all I got in response, Demyx redirecting his attention out of the window. I felt the urge to say something as silence lapsed over us once again, but by the time I thought of anything, Demyx was asleep against the window, snoring faintly.

When the plane touched down and Demyx reluctantly woke up, we fought through luggage and got out with our limbs still attached, although much more frustrated than before. We took a seat outside as I scrolled through my small list of contacts for someone to call. My heart let out a scream of splitting agony as I quickly scrolled past Saïx's number, which I didn't have the strength to get rid of, and quickly selected Seifer. I hit the call button and waited, knowing for a fact that Seifer owed me a favor since I dragged his ass out of the manhood-crushing horror movie that was Twilight.

"Axel? Whoa man, haven't heard from you in forever. The hell have you been?"

I sighed, rubbing my neck again. That was quickly becoming a nervous habit of mine. "Hey Seif. You busy today?"

"Why? You wanna actually hang out?" There was venom in his voice and I flinched. Clearly, my lack of contact was something of a painful reminder. He didn't like being forgotten. "You're outta luck, man. I'm over at Hayner's right now."

"Is Olette there?"

"Olette? Nah, why?"

"No reason. I'll call you later to talk."

"Pff, fine. Oh, hey! Wait!"

I paused, my finger just millimeters from the hang up button. "What?" If Seifer wasn't about to give me a ride, I didn't really want to talk to him. He was only an aquaintice of mine, a mutual one between Roxas and I, along with a good percent of my friends. Believe it or not, I wasn't exactly a social guy.

"You're Roxas' best man, right?"

"Uhh… Yeah." That's right. I was.

"When's the bachelor party?"

Another unsure noise left my throat, my stomach flipping. Right. I was in charge of that, wasn't I? Roxas hadn't exactly said he wanted one, or what he wanted if he did, so I hadn't really thought about it. Not that I had really given the looming wedding much thought in the first place.

"Ugh, dude, you're fucking hopeless."

Before I could respond, the line died, and Demyx was watching me curiously. I shook my head and quickly called Olette, knowing she was loyal to a fault. Twenty-some months of staying out of communication with her was nothing. Plus, it helped a bit that she had a not-so-secret crush on me.

"Hello?"

I paused, noticing the involuntary smile on my face. For some reason, it felt good to hear her voice. Maybe it was because she had a nice voice. Either that or she sounded happy. I needed more happy in my life, and I was hoping Demyx could help with that. The guy was lively enough, after all. Maybe things weren't so lost. I was just a shell of a guy with drug and alcohol problems that got kicked out of college and had to move back in to a house whose occupants still didn't know I had been kicked from a full-ride scholarship.

My smile fell at that reminder.

"Hey Olette. It's Axel."

"Axel! Hey, how have you been?" I could practically hear her smile.

"I'm good, thanks. Hey, uh, are you busy? I need someone to come pick me up from the airport. I'll pay for gas if-"

"I'll be there in, like, fifteen minutes! I'm at the mall now. I'll meet you by the front gates, okay? See ya!"

And again, I didn't get to say goodbye. I shook my head as I pocketed my phone, returning to the bench Demyx was sitting at. I sighed as I flopped down, the humidity of New York almost as bad as that in Michigan. Demyx was fanning himself with a taxi pamphlet, although we hadn't called. Neither of us had any cash on us, and I didn't trust cabbies with credit cards. It didn't take long for Demyx to speak, even if the two of us were getting used to the silences.

"So is Olette picking us up?"

"Yeah. She'll be here in about fifteen minutes."

The silence came back as he nodded, the both of us watching the traffic of cabs and buses. I didn't look away until I felt a hand pressing on the back of mine, fingers treading through mine as I responded almost unconsciously. I looked over at him to ask what he was up to, but a soft pair of lips distracted me. The kiss was nothing hot and heavy, just a light peck before he pulled back and smiled, his cheeks flushed a bit in embarrassment.

"Thanks again, Axel."


	17. Welcome Home

I was a clingy person. I couldn't help it. I grew up without any attention, no affection from my drunkard mother and my gamble-addict father, and few friends to hang out with. When I met Xigbar, I attached myself to him immediately. I needed his affection, his attention, and I got it. For several years, he was what I was using to keep my chin up and manage to function as a normal human being. Now Xigbar was gone, several thousand miles away, and all I had was Axel. I couldn't attach myself like I did to Xigbar, and I had to keep reminding myself of that. Axel had been though a lot and, for all I knew, he could still be suicidal and broken in way too many pieces to be fixed over night. Even as I watched him pace and talk on the phone, I knew that there was a huge piece of him that was missing. Clearly, the death of his lover had caused so much damage that Axel was nothing but scar tissue with a teeny tiny soft spot that I had to worm into.

So when he pulled back from the kiss with a look of confusion and wonder, I wasn't all that surprised. After I said my thanks, I sighed and pulled my hand away from him. Well, I tried to. His hand was still clinging to me, so I allowed it.

"I'm sorry," I murmured gently, feeling my ears heat up a bit. I sighed and looked down at the pamphlet in my hand, looking back up at Axel when I felt his hot hand leave mine. He stood up again, shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and stared very intently in the opposite direction, leaving me with the sight of the back of his head as he pulled his hair into a ponytail to bring his neck relief in the muggy heat. He didn't respond to me and didn't even try to stop me, let alone look at me, as I started to babble.

"It's gonna take me a while to adjust, being with you… I'm still used to Xigbar. So I… If I ever start doing something and you want me to stop, or if I'm being too clingy, please let me know. I don't wanna scare you off, or make you uncomfortable. I know you need someone since-"

"Demyx."

I stopped, biting my lip. I almost apologized again, but I only bit my lip harder, watching as Axel kept his back to me as he pulled a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket, lighting up and speaking in an exhale of smoke.

"I don't wanna talk about Xigbar. I don't wanna talk about Saïx either." He had to stop there, and he did a bad job at covering up how bad the pain was that came with saying that name. He was silent for a while before taking another drag, his shoulders relaxing as he blew the smoke away. "We only have the rest of the summer together before you go back to school. I don't wanna spend it talking about our exes." More pain with that word. I almost got up and hugged him, but something was telling me to sit the hell down and shut up as he continued. "We don't even know that much about each other, Demyx. We fucked twice, talked for a month, and that's it. That's not even a real relationship." I flinched, but he didn't see. He just kept talking, staring down at his cigarette. "We're not… a couple. We're not anything, I don't think. Fuck buddies, maybe. I dunno. We need to… get to know each other more." Axel then groaned, rubbing at his face. "God damn it, I don't even know what the hell I'm saying…"

I sat in complete silence, thinking about what he said. He was right, of course, and there was nothing for me to argue. Our relationship was a bit… awkward. I had thrown myself at him, not even thinking about that. So now here I was, sitting out front of a New York City airport with some man that I could only explain my relationship with as "fuck buddy". It made my stomach sink, but there wasn't anything I could do at the moment to fix that. I had to reestablish our friendship, or maybe I went for boyfriend status first. I wasn't sure, as I had never really had to worry about this before. With Xigbar, things had just fallen into place on their accord. With Axel, I was going to have to work for it. I was going to have to support him, help him, get to know him. I had to soothe the wounds he still held, and I knew that was going to be easier said than done. I had my own things to deal with, like the sudden fact that I was no longer in Michigan with Xigbar, or anywhere remotely familiar for that matter. It was finally starting to sink in, and I felt a little more than scared. I had Axel, but there was still the fact of our relationship. What if I completely ruined it? He'd leave me, and then what? I go back to college, get a dorm at the last minute, and then… Whatever happened next would happen. I was never good at thinking about the future anyway.

"Olette's here."

I hadn't realized how much time had passed while I had been thinking about everything, and Axel's voice as he grabbed our luggage seemed to snap me back to the present. I grabbed my guitar and what I could carry, watching a classic VW van, Twinkie yellow color and all, rolled to a stop in front of the sidewalk with a groan. A brunette girl dressed in a blinding orange top immediately flung herself at Axel, giving no heed to the fact that his hands were full.

I let the two of them exchange pleasantries, feeling a bit awkward as she hovered too close to him, her hand resting on his forearm and… stroking it? I packed my things into the van quietly, bringing Axel's as well because the girl wasn't about to let him out of her range. She finally seemed to notice me when I shut the rear doors, blinking big green eyes in confusion before addressing Axel.

"Who's that?" Her tone was innocent enough, but for some reason, it made my skin prickle. She was still batting her eyelashes up at him, her hand not even budging away from his arm, so close to him that it was making me sick. Did she have any regards for personal space at all?

"Him? That's Demyx. He's just an acquaintance. He needs a place to stay for the summer, so… yeah."

My stomach hit the floor and it took me a moment to smile and wave, getting my voice back. "Hey. You're Olette, right? It's nice to meet you."

I glanced over at Axel at the same time as Olette, noticing how guarded his eyes were. He dropped them to his pocket, grabbing another cigarette and his lighter again. Olette blinked, a bit confused, as she could probably feel the sudden tension. She shifted awkwardly before mumbling something I didn't quite catch, heading back for the driver's side. Axel climbed into the passenger seat, leaving me to sit in the makeshift backseat.

The van had been scraped out, carpet placed on the floor and old Hawaiian-print wallpaper on the inside that looked like someone had murdered a bunch of tacky old men and stole their shirts. The van smelled like stale marijuana smoke and fresh pineapple, which wasn't the fault of her Spring Breeze air freshener that hung from the mirror. There was a couch in the back that I was sitting on, and that was about it, other than the mini fridge that rested behind Olette's seat. I decided it was best not to assume what was done in here, as the van was already groaning and creaking as she started to drive. She started chatting immediately over the Mumford and Sons on the radio, Axel giving quick, noncommittal answers as he smoked out the crank-roll window. The thing didn't have an AC, and that much was obvious, as I found myself stifling in a matter of moments, leaning to catch a breeze. I didn't pay much mind to the conversation going on in the front seat, feeling worry knot in my stomach over the wave of jealousy that was already there.

Axel had warned me about his parents, and I had far too much experience with homophobic individuals to be calm about this. Not only would it be two people that didn't happen to like me, but it would be Axel's _parents_. I was going to have to live with them until college started up or I found a place of my own. I considered hacking into my dad's bank account for enough money for a hotel or something, but the nerves in my body turned cold at that. I didn't want to spend the rest of my summer in a Super Eight. I wanted to spend it with Axel. I had to fix that "acquaintance" issue.

The drive to Axel's house took a little over a half hour, Olette parking on a curb and letting us out. She offered to help carry our things, but Axel shot down the offer and headed into his house. It was a small thing, but I preferred being inside to being out. Just one look at the neighborhood and I felt like I was about to get shot in the head at any moment by that hobo down at the corner. Having no AC seemed to be the thing around here, but I followed close to Axel regardless. I could hear a TV blaring from somewhere, but Axel ignored it. He turned down a short hall and bumped open a closed door with his hip, the latch failing instantly.

"Just set your shit on the floor. We can figure out where you'll sleep later," he said quietly, dropping his things on his bed before returning to shut the door.

I did as he said, dropping my things on his floor and taking a look around. It was a small room, without much furniture. There were some boxes by a grimy window, a small table with a few drawers on it beside his bed, an open closet, and an old TV that looked like it had tumbled right out of the 80s. I just stood there awkwardly as Axel pried his window open, sticking his head out for a moment before he sat on one of the boxes, rubbing at his face with his palms.

I opened my mouth to ask him something, I wasn't sure what, but he cut across me.

"For now, put some of my clothes on and _try_ to act normal. I wanna avoid the shit storm for as long as I can." He stood at that, crossing over to his closet and rifling around before tossing some jeans and a t-shirt on the bed. "Those should fit."

I walked over and picked up the clothes, Olette still nagging in the back of my mind. Why had she bothered me so much? Was I really jealous over one of Axel's friends just because she was so close to him? No, I wasn't jealous… More angry, really. Was I being protective? I didn't have any reason to call him mine, so why worry about who was touching him? Besides… he called me an acquaintance. I wasn't even a friend.

"You okay?"

I glanced up, noticing that he was a lot closer than I had been expecting. He was frowning, reeking of fresh cigarette smoke as he tried to figure out why I was upset. He opened his mouth and closed it several times, sighing heavily and rubbing his neck with his hand. "Look, if this is because of Olette, I-"

"OW!"

Whatever else Axel was going to say completely avoided my attention because _holy fuck that hurt_. Kicking my leg and stumbling back, I let out a little yelp as I found the source of the pain on my leg. A hissing, spitting, furious looking little gray cat that was missing a small part of its ear. Before I could even register to get the hell away from the thing, it had launched itself again, twenty claws digging into my femur as the cat persisted in her attempt to maul me. And I was pretty sure she was succeeding, because it hurt like no other and I was pretty sure I could already feel blood leaking out through ripping skinny jeans.

"Cricket! Cricket, get _off_!"

Axel was wrenching the spitting thing off my leg, finally getting the blob of gray off, holding it firmly too his chest until the cat calmed down. It was still glaring at me, however, probably thinking of how to get more of my blood out.

"Axel? What are y-"

I turned around again, face still in pain as I lifted my leg like some kind of neon flamingo to inspect the damage. I felt my face drain of color at the man in the doorway, a vein twitching on his bald head and his eyes ready to murder. He shot a deadly look at Axel, whose demeanor had changed significantly. Axel was glaring back just as harshly, and the similarities between him and the man (his father, I was guessing) was crippling. Same nose, same angry eyes, same lips pulled back in a heavy line, same sharp chin… I found myself shaking, foot returning back to the ground as the cat broke free of Axel's hold and darted out the door. I wanted so badly to follow it, feeling the tension in the room raise to a murderous level.

"Axel."

The redhead tensed at the tone that his father had, ready to hiss and spit not unlike his cat as soon as the wrong word fell from his father's lips. The older man directed his fiery gaze at me, as if he was trying to make me combust on sight. I was actually fearing for my life, and the words he spoke next made my stomach churn.

"What the hell is some _faggot_ doin' in my _house_, Axel? Get him out before-"

"He's a friend," Axel suddenly snarled, taking a step forward as his fists balled up. "He's not staying for long, you closed-minded bigot, so-"

"So he _is_ a faggot!"

"No he's not! He just dresses different!"

"Why is he even here? We don't have any room for him!"

"He's staying in _my_ room!"

"You're _sleeping_ with him?"

"So what? My bed's big enough!"

"You're a faggot too then?"

"Roxas sleeps over all the time and you don't care!"

"Because he's not a faggot!"

The shouting match continued and I just stood there, too scared of the furious, screaming man in the doorway to so much as move. Axel hadn't been kidding when he had warned me about his parents. I was shaking, hugging myself tight so it wasn't too noticeable as I watched them shout back and forth like I was watching some kind of tennis match. Eventually, Axel's voice got even louder, which I didn't think was possible, and his bedroom door slammed shut, a cardboard box being shoved in front of it to prevent it from being open.

"And stay the _fuck_ out my room, you bigoted asshole!"

Silence settled only briefly before there was more shouting in another room as Axel's dad started picking a fight with someone else. I looked over at Axel uncertainly, who slammed his fist into the wall before turning back to me, his expression slowly dissipating from fury to sheepish apology.

"Sorry you had to endure that," he murmured, grabbing the clothes on the bed and putting them back into his closet, not bothering to put them on hangers as he let them drop to the floor. "I wasn't expecting my dad to notice I was home so fast. But I guess Cricket has it out for us." He gave me a small smile before reaching up to a spot above his closet, pulling out an extra pillow and tossing it onto the bed, which, upon further inspection, was really just two twin beds shoved together. "Welcome home, I guess."

I gave a small smile in reply, sitting on the edge of the bed as I watched him start to unpack. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, mentally kicking myself. I seemed to be doing a lot of apologizing today. "If it's too much of a burden, I'm sure I could find a hotel, or-"

"No can do. You're staying here," he said flatly, beginning to put his clothes away. "My dad can shove it up his ass. If it gets bad enough, we can go find somewhere to crash."

I was silent at that, nervously looking down and picking at a hang nail. The pain in my leg was still there, but I was too worried about the current situation to do much about that. I watched him unpack silently, not knowing if I should help or something. It was a while before he spoke again, in the process of breaking one of the boxes down flat.

"What I said to Olette… ignore it. If I told her that you were anything more than an acquaintance, she would have either smothered you with affection or smothered you with a plastic bag. She's got a huge crush on me but don't worry. She's like my little sister." He gave me a look, almost pleading me to believe him, and it worked. I felt relieved, although there was still a small thorn in my side that was telling me Olette should not be close to Axel. The possessive bit of me had already laid claim on him.

I just nodded, giving him a smile to show I understood. "It's fine." When he nodded back, I found that our short little conversation had already died and he was setting up his N64 on top of a box next to the TV. Bored and not wanting to stare, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked for any messages, scowling at what I saw. Four missed calls, two voice mails, and eighteen text messages. All from Xigbar. All within a four hour period.

I deleted all of them without looking.


	18. Talk

I am so, so sorry this update took so long. I've had writer's block since mid-November, not to mention all the shit that's been going on with my computer and my personal life. I apologize for the quality due to my MIA muse, but here's the update, in Axel's POV, and hopefully we can actually get this story rolling.

Seriously, the plot hasn't even _started_ yet.

* * *

Introducing Demyx to my parents had been everything but smooth. My father was giving me the silent treatment or yelling at me about "that faggot" whether Demyx was present or not. My mom was a bit more civil about it, but I didn't miss those dirty looks she was giving Demyx when he wasn't looking. Dinner was a silent, individual affair, me and Demyx eating Pizza Rolls and Pringles in my room as we played Mario Kart on my N64. It was a bit awkward, and I could tell Demyx was uncomfortable, but things weren't about to magically get better, and I knew that. It was going to be a long while before things got comfortable. It would only be for three weeks, when Demyx went back to college, but three weeks at home was like an eternity.

Midnight rolled around and we stopped playing video games, getting ready for bed. Demyx had left his toothbrush at Xigbar's, but luckily I had an extra, and I was already in sweatpants and a tank, tucked under my sheets when he was finally back. I shut off the light, but the light coming in from the window was enough to guide Demyx to the bed. It felt a little weird when he squeezed in, the both of us back-to-back and on the edge of the bed so we wouldn't touch. I hadn't been in a bed with him when sex had been absent before, and I wasn't sure if we were supposed to sleep like this, or cuddle, or what. I was completely confused as to what to do, but before I could worry too much, Demyx was snoring lightly and sleep was falling over me as well.

The week went by in much the same fashion, although I saw myself on the phone more often than not when Demyx was in the shower. I had caved into Seifer's questioning and arranged a bachelor party for Roxas behind his back, considering that the blonde would not allow anything to be given to him, even if it was a party. Being home, I realized that I had to snap back to the Axel that I had been before the… _accident_. Strangely enough, however, I felt myself slipping back into "Cocky Asshole" easier than it should have been. I even managed to surprise my parents, getting them to forget about Demyx's flamboyant presence long enough to see what had happened to their son without the aid of antidepressants.

As I got more outgoing, however, Demyx was getting quieter. I couldn't really blame him, honestly. If I had been in his shoes, I wouldn't say much either. My parents were ignorant bigots and didn't even like Demyx being in the room, let alone speaking. I noticed that I was seeing less and less of his smile, no matter how hard I tried. He would smile while we were playing video games or out for a walk or playing basketball in the courts down the street, but when I wasn't occupying him, that smile slipped. I felt bad, but I was just as powerless as he was. But when the next Saturday rolled around, things were looking up.

It was time for Roxas' party.

It was held in Seifer's little townhouse basement, as we were all too broke to book a proper venue. Besides, having it at Seifer's made it seem less suspicious to Roxas. Demyx and I were picked up by Olette again, who also stopped to pick up Pence and Hayner. I was wedged in the back between Hayner and Demyx, being deemed "skinny enough to squeeze my ass in" on the small couch. I rolled my eyes at the jabs to my weight, but I didn't really mind the position. My thigh was pressed against Demyx's, denim rubbing together with every bump and turn on the way.

Sleeping on opposite edges of the bed was still prominent, and it was like walking on glass. I was hoping that tonight, maybe we could all relax and just have fun. There were no stress-inducing parents, no creepy neighbors, no hyperactive cat… Just the guys (and Olette) and a twenty-four pack of beer, celebrating the last night of Roxas' pre-wedlock freedom. And maybe, just maybe, this awkward thigh-rubbing was going to turn into a bit more than awkward thigh-rubbing. We hadn't even kissed since the day at the airport. I wasn't sure where we stood with our relationship at the moment, as I had been a bit too focused on getting the bachelor party together to spend time talking about _feelings_ and _relationships_. We seemed fine where we were anyway. Swapping stories, learning more about each other over a bowl of chips and greasy N64 controllers while my parents gave us a little bubble of space. We were friends.

But, _damn_, how many times had I woken up with morning wood in the past two weeks? How many times had I caught myself staring at Demyx, just wanting to touch him or have him close? How often did I find my heart working double-time when Demyx climbed into bed?

It was like I hardly knew myself anymore. I had effortlessly snapped back to the sarcastic, troublesome, _almost_ happy Axel that I used to be. There would always be a crater in my heart, but Demyx was busy shoveling dust into it in an attempt to fix it. I wanted to be Demyx's boyfriend. That was beyond obvious. But there was some leash, some invisible pull of gravity that was keeping me back. I had reached the end of my rope, and now the rudely crafted collar was digging into my skin, forcing me to choke on bile and doubt. Another relationship was too dangerous. Another relationship was too risky. It was still practically cheating, 20-odd months or not.

And that was the second problem.

I had lost count of how long it had been since Saïx died.

I felt as if I had let him down. I could still count and figure it out, sure, but as soon as I started counting, I would lose track and be distracted by Demyx. Demyx, Demyx, _Demyx_. I couldn't stop thinking about him, not even for five minutes. He had gotten me. Hook, line, and sinker. Tendrils of his being had locked on tight to my ribs, sinking anchors into my heart and burying themselves into those preexisting holes so deep that there would never be any way to get them out. It was the scariest feeling I had ever witnessed, followed closely by a growing warmth that was making me stronger. I had a reason to live now. I wasn't just living for the sake of living, no. I was living because I wanted to be with Demyx, and that was a good enough reason for me.

The gravity was _crushing_ me.

Olette dropped us all off at Seifer's house before she left again to fetch Roxas, leaving us to get things set up. It didn't take that long, really, to get out the beer and food, giving us the excuse to warm up some Mortal Kombat before Roxas showed up. Demyx was briefly introduced to Seifer before he slipped between us on the couch, and that was it. Just like that, and Demyx was one of the gang.

Roxas showed up after about twenty minutes, and he was instantly suspicious. We had gathered in the basement and he stood at the base of the stairs, bristling.

"I told you that I didn't want a party!"

"Well tough shit," I chuckled, standing up after tossing my controller onto Demyx's lap. "We're throwing you a party to make you happy, whether you like it not."

"Guys," he groaned, his eyes finally setting on the chocolate cake Olette had made. "I didn't-"

Seifer cut in, a shit-eating grin on his face as he wagged a controller at Roxas. "And here I thought you just wanted an excuse to get your ass handed to ya!"

A challenge was the best way to get Roxas to agree to something.

Roxas' eyes immediately narrowed and he stomped forward, snatching the controller Demyx handed to him and plopping on the floor. Brief introductions happened between bouts of anger as Roxas repeatedly lost with crushing defeat, leaving the rest of us to watch the exchange in high amusement. The battle stopped after Roxas won his first round, a break being taken in honor of food and booze. I was squished in the middle of the couch again, a beer in one hand and a chicken wing in the other. Demyx and Roxas were on either side of me, Olette on the armrest as idle chitchat filled the gap. We never talked about the wedding, nor did we ever mention Kairi or Ventus. Tonight was Roxas' night, and we were going to give him one last night of being a lucky single fuck before he got married on Monday.

Pence and Demyx were busy chatting away about music, as Pence was going into music production in the fall and Demyx had more than enough knowledge to pass on. Olette was arguing with Seifer and Hayner over her feminist rules, and Roxas was babbling on to me about how he could get me a job at McDonalds since I was now sans-education. He also took that as an opportunity to throw jabs at me for being more than a little immature and getting my scholarship taken away in the first place.

"But, hey, I guess it all worked out, huh?" he teased, jabbing his elbow into my ribs with a stupid grin on his face. He nodded to Demyx, who was now grinning from ear-to-ear as he explained what band he used to be in and what kind of music he played to the ever-attentive Pence. "Got a new boyfriend out of it."

I felt my ears get a little warm at that, though I wasn't sure if it was the beer or the fact that I could never keep anything a secret from Roxas. "Yeah, we're workin' on that."

His eyebrows rose, playing with his frosting-covered fork on his lip as he silently demanded a deeper answer for what he had asked in the first place.

I sighed, tossing the bones of my chicken wing into the designated trash bucket on the floor by my feet. "It's complicated, alright?"

His eyebrows went even further up, lips sucking the last of the chocolate icing from his fork before posing his question in words laced with sharp disbelief. "You're kidding."

A lazy shrug was my answer, reaching into the other bucket for another drumstick. I was eating a lot, but fuck it. Seifer had bought more than enough, and I was hungry. Not to mention that I was stalling. I knew it was weird for me to take this much time with a relationship, when those flings in high school had been week-long ventures and Saïx had simply snapped into place with me. I was being careful with Demyx. Maybe too careful, once I thought about it.

Suddenly, I found my wrist being grabbed, my chicken falling onto the floor as Roxas hauled me up and dragged me to the back room of the basement, slamming the door closed and flipping on the light. I blinked in a whirlwind of confusion as he crossed his arm, a beer still in my hand, as he looked at me with _that_ face. For some reason, I felt scared of him right then. And it wasn't just because I knew he could have me on my ass not three minutes into a fight.

"You're still stuck on Saïx."

The accusation speared me straight through, and I lost my breath for a moment and nearly dropped my beer. I dropped my eyes to the floor, and suddenly I wasn't "Cocky Asshole" anymore. I was back to the Axel that needed antidepressants just to get out of bed again. My shoulders slumped, but my hands turned to fists, the beer bottle turning warm under my hand.

"Look, Axel…" His voice was suddenly softer, but I didn't look up. I felt his hand on my shoulder and something caught in my throat, but I flat-out _vowed_ not to cry in front of him. There wasn't even a reason to cry right now. The loss as just a numb feeling now, not like the crippling feeling it used to be.

His fingers squeezed, trying to be comforting. "You have _got_ to move on. I know he meant a lot to you, okay? I mean, fuck, you guys got tattoos together. I hadn't seen you so happy when you were with him, then he was gone and you died with him. I'm not sure what that feels like, but I'm sorry it happened. You gotta move on. All that laughing and smiling and all that other shit back there… You're lying. You have to move on. Let Demyx in. I know you want him. You look at him enough that it's obvious." He sighed heavily and stepped back, and I looked up to see that he was smirking and his arms were crossed again.

"Now get the fuck out there and go get him."

"But I—"

He reached forward, fist bumping into my chest. "Shut up already." Grinning, he opened the door and bowed, still a bit cheeky. "I don't mind if you duck outta the party for sex. Hell, it's boring here anyway. I'll see ya Monday, okay? Tonight, spend your time with Demyx. You need it."

I opened my mouth to ask _where_ to take him because, damn, I was _broke_. But then I saw the look on his face and knew he wasn't going to give me an answer. Rolling my eyes and punching at his shoulder, I let my lips curl back upward. Suddenly, my spine came back and my walls solidified. I was okay. I could do this. It was just a fucking relationship. There was nothing to hold me back except the past.

It was time to forget about Saïx.

I went back to the party, and it was obvious me and Roxas hadn't disappeared in any sort of sneaky matter. Everyone stared, but Roxas just dropped purposely back on the couch like nothing had happened. I put my beer down, shrugging at Olette's "What was that all about?" I held a hand out to Demyx, jerking my head towards the stairs.

"We gotta talk."

Those big blue eyes blinked at me, then looked over at Roxas, who was too engrossed in a sudden conversation with Hayner to really give any feedback. He looked back at me and put his plate of cake down, getting up without taking my hand. "Is something the matter?" he mumbled, not wanting to be overheard.

I shook my head, stuffing my hands into my pockets and headed for the stairs, Demyx uncertainly trailing behind me. There wasn't even a buzz in my head for the half-beer that I had drank, but I was feeling a bit warmer. The night had taken a sudden turn, and I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about it. All I knew at that moment was that Roxas was a damn mind reader and he was always right. He was practically a woman, in that aspect. And that was only one reason why he was my best friend.

Once we got back upstairs and into the living room, I shut the door and turned to him. He looked nervous, but I tried to smile and reassure him. I knew that the whole "ditch the party for sex" thing was going to be more difficult than just that. We were still on a cliff with our status, and now that my parent weren't looking around the corner and checking to make sure I was straight constantly, we had the perfect chance to talk.

"We're a couple, right?" I finally asked, my voice cracking a bit from nerves. My fists balled in my pockets as soon as I saw the surprise on Demyx's face, gripping my willpower by the throat to keep eye contact. I swallowed and tried again, my voice actually coming out clearly. "I mean… You're my boyfriend, aren't you? We're a couple. I like you and you like me, so…"

I didn't expect him to cry.

And I _hated_ tears.

He quickly rubbed at his eyes to hide it, but I had seen the moisture before he could hide it away. "Yeah." His voice was breathy, almost as if it was too hard for him to get out. He nodded, smiling as he kept blinking moisture away. "I thought… I thought you didn't wanna. But… Yeah. I really wanna be your boyfriend, if you'd have me." He took a shaky breath, nudging at my wrist with his fingers. "Thank you."

I smiled, pulling my hands out of my pockets and reaching for his waist. I pulled him forward and hugged him, hoping he would stop the tear thing. "Of course. I was just… With my parents and everything, I didn't wanna bring it up. And since the semester starts soon…" I shrugged, feeling his arms finally come up to hug me back. "But I really, really like you. And I at least wanna try this."

"Thank you, Axel… I really like you too. Let's just... try it."

Well _that_ had been an easy talk.


	19. Threat

And we have a plot!

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rushing through a few things, but I don't think you'll mind if I just launch headlong into the plot. If not, oh well.

Writer's block is still around, so more apologies for the shit quality.

* * *

The first time Axel and I had sex while we were actually sober was the night of Roxas' wedding reception, wrapped up in starchy sheets of some high-end hotel that the bride's family was paying for. The ceremony had been slow, the family had been suffocating, and Roxas had given Axel and I permission to "get the hell out" as soon as we had our cake.

I was worried, to say the least. I had been starting to wonder if maybe this whole relationship thing wasn't for us. It wasn't Axel's fault, no. It was his parents and the entire circumstance. But we got to know each other as much as possible in the past couple weeks, and we finally adopted the label of "boyfriends". And now, thanks to that and my newfound bravery, I was clinging to a red mane of hair as Axel moved inside of me, my back arching off of sweat-stained sheets as our voices filled the room. Sex with Axel was great when we had been drunk and high, but _this_… This was a totally new experience. I felt like it was our first time all over again, and I was screaming his name so much that I may as well gone hoarse, but he was still whispering in my ear, making me squirm.

Did I mention Axel was _king_ of dirty talk?

I hadn't really known it myself, but as soon as we stopped kissing enough, he laid everything out for me. I probably could have reached my climax just listening to his voice as his fingers ran over my skin, peeling off my clothes with agonizing slowness, somehow managing to touch in all the right places…

At least, that's what I wanted to happen.

Instead, we were packing up our things in the hotel room, now changed into our PJs and ready for an early check-out tomorrow. We had a two-bedroom room, and four people were in it. Myself, Axel, Olette, and Hayner. I had been sharing a bed with Olette, and Axel shared with Hayner. It was a weird arrangement, but we had other things to focus on, rather than sex. For one fact, I would be leaving tomorrow evening for a late flight back to Michigan. College was starting up on Wednesday, the day after tomorrow, and I had to get there in time to make sure my dorm roommate were hadn't destroyed all the feng sui. I didn't want to go, but I didn't have much of a choice. After this year, I would be able to graduate with a BA, thanks to all the hard work I did in my freshmen year and in high school.

Of course, that meant that Axel and I would be reduced to a long-distance relationship.

I _really_ wanted that goodbye sex.

I had already talked to him about it (well, more like attempted to seduce him, but I'm not the best at that) and his reasoning was that if we did have sex now, we would be missing each other far more than necessary when I left for college tomorrow. We didn't need to put more strain on the relationship than we already had on it, and phone calls were going to have to be enough for us. Reason number two was that he still wanted to take things slow. I still didn't understand his want to take things slow, but I had made a few guesses myself. It was obvious that he wasn't as fixed and happy as he acted. I could still see the cracks covering him head to toe, and it was a wonder he was still holding himself together. I didn't want to rush him, fearing that one day he would just shatter, and I would be forced to watch him blow away in the wind like dust. I tried to take things slow, I really did, but I couldn't help but feel the tension between us like a knife, about ready to slice through us as soon as we stepped out of line.

But, after a night with bed-hogger Olette, I was packing my things into Hayner's truck and smashing in between him and Axel on the trip to the airport. It was an awkward drive, but soon Hayner was gone and Axel was walking me to my gate, helping me carry my things. I had my guitar strapped to my back, my suitcase rolling behind me as Axel carried a gym bag full of clothes and odds and ends.

"Here you are," he announced rather abruptly, stopping at the end of the line for security. "I'll see you at spring break, right?"

For some reason, hearing the words "spring break" again made my toes curl. I looked up at him, the ghost of a frown on my lips. It had been so long since we had first met, and it seemed like we were just starting out. And for some reason, that made me… _sad_. It had been so long, but we had hardly moved forward at all. All I wanted to do was make things better, but it had been months and we hardly made any improvement at all. -Although, Axel didn't look like a dead man anymore. There was still pain in his eyes, but pain was better than that haunting emptiness that used to lurk in his pale skin and acidic eyes. It was going to take a long time for Axel to heal completely, but I was willing to help him as much as I could. I still had my own problems, sure, but I wasn't near as broken as Axel was. I was the thread and needle that had to put him back together, and it was time I stepped up my game.

"Uh, yeah. I'll see you then, I guess."

He nodded, putting down the gym bag and looking around awkwardly, as if he wanted to go so soon. "Just call whenever you wanna talk… I'll miss you." He blushed a little at that, but covered his face by rubbing his shoulder. "Be safe, okay? And get some sleep on the plane so you don't get so worn out." He sighed, dropping his arm and shrugging weakly, giving a meek smile. It was so out of character, but at the same time, it was… _cute_. "Sorry. I'm just gonna miss you, is all."

I shook my head, shrugging off his apology. I dropped the handle of my suitcase and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, successfully bringing him closer. Our height difference wasn't much, when we were this close. My lips were just under his chin, and I was glad that he tucked it down a bit so I could give him a proper kiss goodbye.

I was scared. That was it. Plain and simple. I wasn't scared of the flight, no. I was scared because I was leaving Axel behind just as soon as I had gotten comfortable around him. I was going back to college, where there was a still unresolved drama hovering around Xigbar. He had stopped calling after the first day, but that didn't mean that there wasn't a giant tangle of a mess to work out. I wasn't exactly a confrontational person, but dealing with Xigbar was something I had to get done sooner rather than later. I had never really dealt with a break-up before, as Xigbar had been my first real one. But stuff like that is a learning experience, right?

The kiss ended and I gave him a rib-crushing hug before he was gone, and I felt more lost than I was before. I numbly went through security and boarded my flight, sticking in my headphones as soon as I could and ignored the person I was seated next to on the plane. Next thing I knew, I was in a taxi on my way to campus, and soon I was checking into my room, which I thankfully shared with only one other person.

I got there around ten o'clock, by the time I had figured out where to go. I kept myself quiet as I came in, claiming the bedroom that was still free. I tried to look around to figure out who I was sharing a room with, but they hadn't decorated anything more than a black futon and a TV in the main room. Frowning, I put my things in my room and washed up, crawling into bed without bothering to dig around for my bed sheets and pillows. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, but that wasn't why I was having trouble sleeping. The fact that I was the only one in the bed was also a little off-putting, even if Axel hadn't been the most cuddle-loving person. But still, there was another element taking sleep out of my grasp.

I was thinking about Xigbar. Well, less thinking and more worrying. What was I supposed to say to him anyway?

My mind had been on Axel for a majority of the day, and it surprised me that someone else finally broke that train of thought. Instead of thinking about the last kiss I had, I was wondering if it was acceptable for me to go over to Xigbar's at this time of night. I knew he was a night owl, and it was more than likely he was awake, but I still wasn't entirely sure what to say to him. I wanted to apologize for the fight and the mess I caused, but after that, I wouldn't know what to do. I considered calling him, or maybe just sending a text, but I wanted to make sure he was okay. We had been together for a long time, and to have it end with me running off to another state with another man wasn't exactly ending on good terms.

So, after a good half hour of debating, I got dressed and went out, walking straight for Xigbar's house and arriving at nearly one in the morning.

The lights of the massive mansion were almost all on, but I knew better than to assume he was still awake. He always left the lights on in case someone broke in so that he could catch them easily enough, or if some other occupant needed to get somewhere. I knew the door was most likely locked, but after a little jumping and squirming on my part, I pulled the spare key down from above the door, pushing it into the door knob and freezing.

The door was already open.

My eyebrows knitted together in confusion, but I was probably making a big deal out of something small. Maybe he just forgot to lock it, or someone went out. I tucked the key into my pocket, stepping inside and easily making my way to the hallway that held Xigbar's bedroom and study. The lights were off here, but there was a light shining from under his door. I headed for it, but paused, knowing what I was doing was stupid. Not to mention that it was a little rude to just show up at one in the morning to apologize for breaking his heart. I should have just turned and left right then, but what I heard next was enough to keep me rooted on the other side of an oaken door, the voice drawling and rough, most likely the voice of an older man. It was completely unfamiliar to me, and it made my skin crawl.

"Demyx arrived tonight. You are to leave first thing on Saturday morning. If not, I'm afraid there are other people we could bring into this."

"Why didn't you come before tonight? I left Demyx weeks ago, and you're just now making your move?" His voice was short and clipped, and I could practically see his thin-lipped face. I was shaking, eyebrows still bunched in confusion, putting my ear against the door in order to hear the conversation better.

"I would not expect you to understand our plans, Xigbar. You have been out of the equation for some time now. Since you gained those scars, if I remember correctly."

"So why is it that you want me now anyway, you old coot?"

"Our plans are manifesting once again. Our purpose has arrived."

There was a beat of silence, and I could hear the squeak of the bed as someone sat down. My heart was slamming in my chest, telling me to get the hell out of there, but I had to stay. I had to listen, to at least figure out what was going on. My body was rooted to the spot anyway, and I highly doubted I could run, even if I wanted to. I was barely breathing for sake of being quiet, and I thought I was going to hyperventilate as the silence stretched on. After several minutes, the laborious silence was broken by Xigbar's voice, which had dropped in pitch with dread.

"You mean he got out. Both of you did. What, on good behavior?"

"You catch on quickly, Xigbar. Perhaps I underestimated you."

"Who else are you dragging into this?"

"I do not believe that is any of your concern at the moment. Show up at the airport Saturday morning at seven. If you do not show up, I hardly think it necessary to inform you that you will be taken care of."

"You mean killed."

There was another pause, and I felt all color drain from my face, my stomach dropping hard into my feet. What was going on? Who was this guy? More importantly, why was Xigbar's life at stake?

"We are men of business, Xigbar. Such inconveniences are below us."

"Cut the shit. I'll be at the airport. Don't worry about it."

There was more silence, my mind spinning far too quickly to figure out what was happening. I stepped back from the door when I heard footsteps coming, but I was frozen to the spot in complete, utter fear. I shouldn't have come in. I shouldn't have overheard what I just did, but it wasn't like I would hit rewind. I didn't know it at the time, but standing there, rooted to the carpet as someone came towards the door, but overhearing that conversation had sealed my fate right up like a pretty little envelope, burned shut with deadly black wax.

"Come, Vanitas. It's time to go."

Vanitas?

The door opened as soon as I pulled myself from my horrified roots, stumbling back into the study across the hall. I slipped behind the door, watching through the crack as the bedroom door opened, squinting a bit at the light.

Vanitas exited first, looking rather frazzled and nervous. He was pale, his hands shaking until he stuffed them into the pockets of his jeans. He looked right at me and my heart stopped for an earth-shattering moment, watching as his molten gold eyes widened. He had seen me. An old man exited behind him and he quickly looked away, heading down the hall and out of sight. I still felt like I was suffering cardiac arrest as the bald man came into view, his back hunched and hands clasped behind his back. He wore a suit, which seemed odd to me, especially because he was also wearing combat boots and a ragged black coat around his shoulders, arms underneath it. He didn't look at me, and I never got a view of his face, but his dragging steps faded, the front door snapping sharply shut as they left.

I could see Xigbar from my position, and my insides froze over at what he was doing. He wasn't sitting on the bed anymore, but pulling out a suitcase from under his bed. I had seen it before, but he had explicitly told me to never open it. And now that he was opening it, laying the contents on the bed, I felt something click into place as I put two and two together.

Of course, the first place my mind went was the mafia. That suitcase had sniper rifles in it, and there was no way in hell those were for hunting animals. He also pulled out a few paper bags, peeking at the contents of a few. They were small, and as he moved one of them, I heard the sound of pills hitting together in a bottle. Drugs and guns. A life-threatening order to board a plane. Golden eyes that had to be a family resemblance.

My train of thought was cut off as the bedroom door shut, Xigbar packing everything back into the suitcase after taking stock. The light shut off a few minutes later, and my muscles melted out of their locked stance, and I ran out. My heart was still pounding, my ears ringing, and my blood seemed to have turned to paste, making everything seem so slow as my head spun around me.

I had to get help.


	20. Panic

Demyx was damn lucky I was a night owl. He was damn lucky that at quarter to three in the morning I was still awake, spread-eagle on my bed with my laptop perched precariously on my chest, scanning through rows of porn videos like any other self-dishonored twenty year old college drop-out. Besides, I deserved a little "Me Time" after getting through two torturous weeks of nerve-induced abstinence around Demyx and his skinny jeans anyway. I was about ready to start in on my reward too, even had the lotion and Kleenex nearby, if that fucking Nokia ringtone hadn't given me a heart attack. The laptop nearly fell off my chest as I reached behind my pillow, grabbing the phone and punching the little green button, my eyes still skimming the selection of pornography. It didn't help my current situation that Demyx practically moaned my name into the phone, panting and sounding very sweaty and very out of breath. My brain took the image and ran with it before I could stop it. I had to swallow hard, replacing the image of my grandmother at the front of my mind. Something was off at the whiny tone in Demyx's voice, and I had to close the laptop so I wouldn't be too preoccupied with naked women and grossly overgrown penises.

"Demyx? What's up?"

"I'm scared."

There was a slam in the background as a door shut, and a bit of rustling as Demyx moved. A click as the phone was set down, and I was on speaker as more noises sounded. Was he pacing? I sat up straighter, pushing my laptop off of my chest and tugging the sheet onto my naked body. "Whoa, whoa… Demyx, what's going on?" The echo of my own voice coming back at me was off-putting and I heard water turn on. He was in the bathroom?

"I dunno!" His voice was thin and shrill, something that I immediately didn't like. There was a pause and the water turned up higher. Drowning out the conversation from any unwelcome ears. "I dunno what's going on and the police couldn't help me and I didn't wanna rat out Xigbar because of the guns and stuff, but I don't want him to get killed—"

"Whoa!" I rocked to my feet, a hand threading into my loose hair and yanking in an attempt to wake myself up. Police? The sudden urgency had killed my boner already, so I thankfully let go of Gram's face. Not that I was thinking about the porn anymore anyway. "One thing at a time, Demyx. Breathe. What's going _on_?"

I could barely hear him taking a breath over the water. Well, less a breath and more of hyperventilating. The phone was picked up again and he sounded much closer, his breathing slowly returning to normal. I waited, but every nerve ending in my body was coiled. Was this some kind of joke? No, no this was real. And whatever it was, the police and Xigbar were both involved. I knew that guy was bad news… "Start from the beginning, Demyx. You're not hurt, are you?"

"N-no… I'm okay. W-well, I kinda wiped out on the sidewalk, but I just scabbed up my knees, but— I'm okay."

"Are you safe?"

"Y-yeah. I'm in my dorm. The door's locked a-and my roommate's here. H-he's asleep though, I haven't really met him."

I gave another tug to my hair, not liking how shrill Demyx's voice was carrying on in. "Okay. Now explain what's going on, please."

He took a long, shaking, deep breath and then he started. The dam broke, and his words gave out in such a quick flow that all I could do was stand there, yanking at my hair and standing in the middle of my room with the lights all off, a muggy wind blowing through the cracked window, bringing in the stenches of the city as I gripped my phone like it was my only lifeline.

"I was gonna go to sleep, but then I couldn't sleep 'cause I missed you and I'm still upset 'bout what happened with me and Xiggy, so I went over to his house. It was late though, like, one, but he was awake. I-I went in, but he was talking to someone weird. So I waited outside the door, and this old guy and him were talking. And- and he sounded really uptight. The guy he was talking to, he knew my name too. I dunno, but the way they were talking made it sound like the only reason he never came around was because I was with Xiggy, and Xiggy said that the creepy guy and some other guy 'got out', but I dunno what he meant by that." His voice started to shake more by this point, and I was moderately certain that he was crying. I tugged harder at my hair at that, trying to ignore the sudden squeezing in my chest. "Xigbar's in trouble. He has to get on a plane on Saturday and if he doesn't he'll get killed, but he has all these guns and I think there were drugs too. It's under his bed in a suitcase, but he didn't get it out until the creepy old guy left with Vanitas. And I think Vanitas saw me, but he didn't say anything, so I dunno what was going on, but then I left and I ran to the police because I thought they could help, but they couldn't because I didn't get the creepy old guy's name and I didn't see his face and I didn't wanna rat out Xiggy or Vani, but-"

I wasn't listening anymore. Something had frozen and curled into the pit of my stomach. My hand fell out of my hair and I just… stood there. What he was saying wasn't making any logical sense to me, but that didn't matter. "Creepy old guy" had sent my mind back, spiraling backwards over ten years to two six year olds on an abandoned playground, and I just let the memory play.

_"Saïx, look! Lookit!" A redheaded, cheeky little boy sat on top of the monkey bars, grinning widely and showing where one of his teeth had fallen out the other day. "Betcha can't get up here!"_

_The boy on the ground frowned at him, looking down at his chalk, where he was drawing on a small patch of cracked asphalt. He looked back up before looking down again, almost remorseful for leaving his drawing. He got up, getting up and dusting off his corduroy shorts and going over to the bars, looking up at his best friend, who was currently hanging by his knees and joyfully claiming he was king of a world he created with his own fragile imagination._

_"Axel, you're gonna fall."_

_A little pink tongue was stuck out through pouty lips. "Nuh-uh!"_

_Saïx hesitated, shuffling his little tennis shoes before he started to climb the red bars, the paint chipping and flaking with age on the steel structure. "Mama said we gotta be back for dinner."_

_"Axel no want leave!" he yelled, drumming his fists on his chest and imitating Tarzan._

_But Saïx had always been the voice of reason, ever since they were four and laying quietly next to each other during nap time in day care. Saïx kept Axel in line, and Axel spent his entire existence nudging at that line, trying to get it to budge. Axel was the free spirit type. A bit of a troublemaker in school. He came from a free household, where he could do anything he wanted, within reason of his six year old body. He didn't have any fears, any doubts, anything like that. He was a big ball of positive energy._

_Saïx was the opposite._

_"Saïx!"_

_The boys stopped their playing on the monkey bars for a moment, seeing Saïx's mother hurrying over, still in her business suit and heels, blue hair pulled into a tight bun. Her lips were tight and painted with dark lipstick, like they always were, and she held out a hand. "Saïx, it's time to come home now."_

_The boys exchanged glances, Saïx slightly frightened and Axel sad to see his friend go. They didn't say goodbyes, but Saïx climbed down slowly, so he wouldn't fall._

_"Hurry! Your father's on his way!"_

_Saïx froze as his feet hit the ground, fear locking up his muscles. Axel sat up on top of the bar again to watch, head tilted in a very puppy-like confusion._

_"Running off on your own?"_

_Saïx's mother adopted the same state as Saïx, a man coming down the park path and approaching his son. He was a large man with coffee skin, white hair slicked back and handing down just past his shoulders. Saïx's head dropped at the man's sharp tone and left with him, a strong hand squeezing his shoulder much too hard to be casual or kind. Axel was left in the park alone, hearing the man's voice shouting at his son as soon as he was out of sight._

_That was the first and only time that Axel had seen Saïx's father until the man's hearing at court before he got locked away for a minimum of ten years on counts that my ten year old brain didn't grasp, but there was no forgetting those golden eyes that had pinned his very soul to the pit of his stomach in cold, childish fear._

"Axel?"

I blinked, snapping back to the present. "I'm listening."

"I-I dunno what to do," he sobbed, the sick sound of a wet sniff coming in all too clearly over the phone. "I miss you already…"

"I miss you too, Dem..."

"I just dunno wh-what t' do!" And just like that, he was in hysterics. Sobbing, sniffling, hyperventilating into the phone to give me the full nine yards.

"Demyx? Demyx, I want you to listen to me." I sat back on the bed, elbows on my knees. I didn't know what to do about the situation, honestly, because I had no idea what was going on. All I was concerned with was keeping Demyx safe and blocking out that memory that had resurfaced for god-knows-why.

"I-I'm listenin', Axel…"

"Take a shower, wash up. Just calm down. Cry some more, if you have to. After your shower, go to bed. Go to class, go about your usual business, and ignore it. Don't go back to Xigbar's place, understood? That guy might be hanging around. You said Vanitas was involved too, right?"

"Y-yeah…"

"Talk to him. See if you can get answers, but don't meet up with him alone. He might be dangerous if he's hanging around with some guy making death threats."

And that was it. That was all the comfort I could provide. Demyx hung up after a few more minutes of crying and filling in any missing details, and then I went back under my blankets with my laptop. I booted the thing up again and sighed, closing out of my browser window and going to my movie files for something to watch.

So much for my "Me Time".

* * *

The call was weighing on my mind so heavily that I didn't even have it in me to care as my parents screamed and called me every name in the book for losing my scholarship. But I honestly just didn't give a damn. I'd be fine without a degree.

I left the house around three and just walked around, needing to clear my head. I wanted to call Demyx right back again, but I knew he probably needed time to get adjusted after last night, especially since today was the first day of his classes. So I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jeans, a recently purchased cigarette between my lips as I walked around aimlessly, never crossing the invisible boundaries that would earn me a fist to the face.

It was a nice day out, considering I was sweating bullets and really regretting wearing jeans and a black tee. Cicadas were starting to make themselves known, chirping and buzzing over the sound of traffic, sirens, and general city chaos. The sky was cloudless, the August sun beating down relentlessly. I probably could have fried an egg on the sidewalk, if I was hungry or even had a damn egg to spare. There wasn't any wind, but the humidity was destroying my hair, which I had managed to wrestle into a sloppy braid, pieces frizzing out and hanging in front of my face to mock me. My flip-flops beat against the heated cement, and I hated to think what kind of fire it would feel like to be walking barefoot.

I found myself at McDonalds two cigarettes and a peeled off t-shirt later, crashing into a booth with a supersized Dr. Pepper, large chocolate shake, and a tray piled high with fries and dollar menu delicacies that would probably end with cardiac arrest.

I pulled out my phone while I ate my little ten dollar feast, not taking any attention in the news that was playing. I sent a text to Roxas instead, asking how the honeymoon was going. Lucky him. He got his ass dragged to the Bahamas for the next sixteen days on the ludicrous idea that he and Kairi would actually get along long enough for the marriage to last until Ventus turned eighteen. Their whole relationship was fucked up, but I wasn't about to point that out. Roxas probably knew the shit state of his marriage better than I did. I didn't have that sixth sense of relationship issues that Roxas seemed to have about everyone. I was just a guy who hardly knew what he was doing with his life, after all.

I rubbed at my forehead, attempting to push the fatigue out of my head as I waited for a return text. I had ended up staying awake all night, pondering that call and attempting to do just the opposite by watching my collection of pirated movies from my laptop. Unfortunately, my brain was a stubborn son of a bitch and wouldn't let me forget how upset Demyx had sounded last night.

I took a deep gulp of my shake, enough to give myself a brain freeze, just to get my thoughts to shut the fuck up already. Still munching away on fries as I waited for Roxas to reply, I decided to listen to the news, not having anything else better to do. And it wasn't like I wanted to leave the greasy little air conditioned heaven any time soon.

According to the TV, things weren't about to cool off. Record-breaking highs and clear skies for the rest of the week. _Joyful_, really. I had to look into buying a new fan for my room, because this was getting fucking ridiculous. Damn heat. It was like mother nature all of a sudden decided that we lived in Texas or something. It was hot in Texas, right? I didn't know. I'd never been there before. That wasn't even that important of a thought, but suddenly I wanted to go to Texas.

But my little train of thoughts was brutally ripped from the tracks as a picture flashed on screen, little black and white letters at the bottom of the screen giving me the subtitles. I didn't really read them though, because the world had just stopped and flung me off of it.

I didn't even finish my food or my drinks. I dumped the whole damn tray into the trash and yanked a cigarette out for the nerves, lighting it and heading to the bus stop. Thank god I still had my city bus pass, because I wasn't in good enough shape to run eleven and a half miles to my destination. I plopped down on a plastic seat, my bare back sticking grossly with the amount of sweat I had. I faintly acknowledged that my shirt had been left in the booth of McDonalds, but I didn't give a damn. My nerves were on fire, and I was puffing away on my cigarette, leg hopping in agitation. Roxas finally texted me back with a "I'm doing good, I guess, considering she keeps trying to jump my bones", but I was too busy mashing a number into my phone. I held it to my ear, tossing the cigarette out of the dirt-stained window of the bus as someone picked up.

"Ariel? Yeah, hi. I'm coming over right now. Xemnas got out."

It wasn't that big of a deal. To anyone else, it wouldn't be. But Xemnas was someone who I was honestly scared of. The _only_ person I was scared of, actually.

The guy had gone away to jail about ten years ago, finally getting busted on domestic abuse and pedophilia. That last one was what had scared me, because once I figured out what pedophilia was, everything clicked into place. That was why Saïx had been so closed-off. Xemnas was the reason why Saïx had no other friends, why our sexual relationship had gotten tense if I did anything resembling what Xemnas had done to him, and that included the reasoning behind Saïx never letting me dominate him, even if he never said it. Xemnas had torn Saïx's life apart before he was old enough to even know what happened.

I still remembered going over to Saïx's house, only to have his mother abruptly send me home around five o'clock like clockwork. Because five-thirty was the time that Xemnas got home. Because Xemnas didn't care if it was Saïx or me that he got to take his frustrations out on. Xemnas had never touched me, but that single look the man gave me the day he sat in court was more than enough to send shivers shooting down my spine violently enough to make it flip-flop.

And my cousin Ariel was the only person that knew about him.

I wasn't sure how she was supposed to help, but Ariel was always a good person to ramble too. Every fiber of my being was tangled up and jostled, and I had the feeling that Ariel would be the one to help me straighten out. Maybe I just needed to get out of town a little, too. I didn't know, but all I knew was that Ariel was who I always went running to when I had no other options.


End file.
